- 10 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
This is my first time posting and it’ll be long, but I am just miserable, need advice, and don’t know how to cope with all of this.
I come from a very ethnic and culturally close-knit family. When my fiance and I wanted to get serious at 21, my parents made it a bit difficult. He wasn’t the same culture, he was a year younger, etc. They slowly got over that and along the way became more open to the idea.
Before we got engaged, we started running into a few problems early in our relationship. He was having depression issues and had not gone to school for a semester, but pretended he was going the entire time. He would stay up late playing computer games as his outlet for depression, and would sleep all day. He didn’t seem to care about anything, gaining weight, eating unhealthy. Once he drove my car after my permission, and when someone accidentally hit him he didn’t even offer to pay for it, or mention another way in which we could work it out.
After many months of talking, all of this changed. He stopped playing video games, he started working out, and got a wonderful job (that though doesn’t pay the best, was going to get him somewhere in his future). This all made me so happy, but I had always felt like everything before had already made a dent.
When we got engaged, he had gotten the ring from my Dad because we had a friend who was a jeweler. He didn’t have the money at the time of picking up the ring, because he forgot his check book. My Dad told him to just get him the money whenever. It took my Fiance a month. I told him that this was rude and disrespectful, considering the amount of times he saw my dad in that month but never mentioned that the money would be late. He just didn’t give it to him until a month later, and did not feel like had to give an excuse. He said, “This isn’t a big deal to me. We’re family. He said get the money to him whenever, and I did. Why is this an issue?”
Over the summer he was applying for a job within his same department. We couldn’t continue wedding planning until we knew he got the job. He called me one day telling me he got it, and it was a lie. Though he says that everyone kept dropping hints that he had gotten the job it just wasn’t “official.” I didn’t understand how a lie like that was okay, considering we started putting down deposits on wedding stuff. What if he didn’t get the job? It wasn’t responsible. He said that the reason he felt he had to lie was because I was putting so much pressure on him regarding the wedding, and he didn’t want to scare me.
My parents have grown up with the ideal that the guy and his family pay for the wedding. Knowing that in America this is not the case, they were willing to put forth around $25,000. His family? They could only contribute $5000. My Fiance was planning to come up with the rest. I just felt like he wasn’t. He had incredible opportunities to work with family on the weekends, but only took it upon himself to do that (a few hrs on the weekend) when I mentioned it. He just kept saying we would have enough for the wedding, so why work on the weeeknds too? I told him that it’s hard to start off a marriage and to have extra money would be nice. He didn’t agree. He said it would not be needed. This all just made me feel guilty, that my parents were willing to put forth so much money, but I guess I thought my Fiance wasnt putting his share of the work in by refusing to work extra on weekends.
A few months ago he bought something from my sister, handed her a check for $200, but told her not to deposit it until a few days later. My parents (and I) saw this as a flag. How are you able to buy this when you’re supposed to be saving? And the fact that he needed to wait to have my sister cash it, comes off as he doesn’t even have $200 in his bank account.
All of this was basically scaring my family and I. Not to mention I felt pretty uncomfortable around his family. They were all very different from me and mine. Two were hooked on drugs, one so immature at 35, etc etc.
Of course, I have faults in all of this. I’m never one to apologize for anything. I’m stubborn, and he does a lot to get me to talk about our problems.
My parents are wonderful to him. They do so much for him. It’s hard to explain, and try to remain somewhat anonymous.
Recently, we broke off our engagement. There were a lot of reasons. So many problems seemed to be coming up. My parents got involved, they started yelling at him. I just felt guilty. I felt guilty that I thought my parents were not happy with my wedding and Fiance. I felt guilty that my dad was working so hard to put forth so much money for the wedding, yet I didn’t feel the same from him and his family.
At this point, my parents think he is scum. They refuse for me to talk to him or marry him. This is because of all that has happened in the past, and also because he then called my Dad old-fashioned and that he needed to back off.
I think at this point, you may be asking why I was even with him in the first place. He’s absolutely amazing. I can be myself around him in ways that I can’t around others. We can do absolutely anything and it’s the best time in the world. I couldn’t wait to have a family with him, because I knew what a great father he’d be. He understood me. I’m a mess. Im currently a student and I’ve failed exam after exam this past week. I feel like my best friend has been stripped away from me. I feel like my parents have left me by saying they don’t support us. I feel like if I want to stay with him, that I wouldn’t be standing up for my parents because of the mean things he said about them (there was more).
I really need help. An outsider’s perspective. Anything. This happened the day after I bought my wedding dress. I feel like my life has completely turned upside down, and I am just living a dream. Going through the motions. I can’t believe my best friend is gone.