(Closed) Ended engagement – need advice to cope =( (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@bride68: Iam sorry you are dealing with this. I kind of understand bits and pieces. It sounds like you are worried about 1.)financial security after the wedding 2.) his honesty and 3) paying for the wedding….

The honesty thing he needs to work on. It sounds like he needs to mature a bit. He sounds like my 32 year old friend who acts 16. But as for the wedding…. why not have a wedding that doesn’t cost as much? $25,000 can still be a nice wedding….

or

Have you considered postponing the wedding until you both are under better circumstances? Mend things with the family, maybe you can be out of school, and financial situations will be clearer.

Post # 4
Member
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Sorry if I came off harsh. I am just trying to understand some of the things. Like I said I understand some of what you are saying. My Fiance was really immature when we first met but has grown up and become responsible and reliable. IT CAN HAPPEN.

Post # 5
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

I’m so sorry you have to go through this.  It must be so hard on you. 

Could you sit down with your parents and work out a budget?  Maybe all of you could meet and discuss the realistic financial issues.  It sounds like everyone has different opinions when it comes to the finances.

Post # 6
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think that you are basing all of your emotions on what he could be when he isn’t much to consider right now. You don’t marry a projection of a husband, you marry the man in front of you and I think you know that he is not ready for marriage in any way given what you’ve said above. Your parents set aside all of their preconceptions about his culture and age and he was the one to mess it up with his actions. It says a lot that they were so willing to help you both out despite all of that. This is not your fault, it’s his and you have to know that in order to move on.

Someone can be a good friend to you, but not be a good husband. I think you’re doing the right thing. Try to pull it together for your exams. Your degree will be aroung long after he’s gone. Good Luck.

Post # 8
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

First of all, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this.

Second… well I am sure that $25000 is a sufficient amount for a nice wedding, so I don’t really see why it is such a big deal that his family cannot contribute more than $5000. I don’t mean to be harsh, I am just saying that I don’t think your Fiance should be punished just because his family isn’t wealthy.

Third, as a married woman, your husband should come before your parents. Always. And by not ‘allowing’ you to speak to your Fiance, they are treating you like a child, which is never okay.

I think you can work things out with him. As PPs have said, he needs to mature a bit, so it could be a good idea to postpone the wedding for a while. Maybe try counselling to work on communication skills and honesty?

Post # 9
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I’m not sure what to say, but I wish you the best,

Post # 10
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

my thoughts are relationships and marriage can be hard work but not every single day and to be honest your relationship sounds like a constant battle/draining of energy  – isnt part of you a little bit relieved to know its not going to be like that anymore?

people grow and change and sadly this means sometimes the person you love isnt the person for you going forward – try to focus on yourself for a while, take a day at a time, sometimes 5mins at a time and you will get there. i promise you wont be this upset forever

Post # 11
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

@EsqBailey: yes exactly this!  You said everything I was thinking.

It sounds like he is still very much a child and not ready to be a husband and have responsibilities towards anyone else.  His behavior seems akin to how a teenager would behave.

Post # 12
Member
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@bride68: I understand about the culture thing. It pretty much sounds like you guys are not ready to be married yet. How can you get married when financially you have no idea what he will be doing? Did he feel like he had to propose so you all might be able to live together and make it “financially” easier? I am not trying to say that he does not love you or that he does not want to marry you. But it does sound like he doesn’t realize what getting married means in all aspects. He has to man up and work! 

Post # 13
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I normally side with the you and Fiance are one person school of thinking, but I think your parents are on to something with not liking him. You’re not the youngest bee on here to get married, and 21 is not young for some people, but I think you should think about waiting.

Get your education. Its the best thing you can do for you right now.

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