(Closed) Ended engagement – need advice to cope =( (long)

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5988 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

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@bride68:  your feelings are perfectly normal, only you can work through them at your own pace and decide whats best for you – if you decide make the break permanent the pain wont be forever, the hardest part at the beginning is the habit of being with someone

Post # 18
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

it sounds like all of this, is about money. the lying, of course, it definitely not good, but if he can fix that–other than the money, is it a big deal? I think if the situation was reversed; if his family put up 25k and he was asking you to work harder since your family was only able to put in 5k, it would be wrong. your family is better off than his, so. have you put in extra time or any money towards the wedding? I understand the world is still sexist, so it only seems ‘right’ the guy should match or pay more than the girl for these things, but is it really ‘right’? should this determine his value as a husband? isn’t it ‘for richer or poorer’?

does this really undermine your whole relationship? I’m just raising some questions, I’m not accusing you of anything. but I’d ask you to think about what a husband means to you. is being a best friend, or financial support more important? or are they both necessary for you to respect your husband? (nothing wrong with the latter of course)

in any case, one easy way to ‘save for marriage’ is to have a cheaper wedding! if money is really the issue, I would just get married in a courthouse and put the 25k towards married life. and if you were really adamant about having a wedding with friends, there are many ways to do it cheaper, under 5k. just my opinion, but then again, I don’t really buy into tradition, so it may be different for you.

Post # 19
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I got really sad reading this.. it sounds like you really do love him despite his lyings and bad treatings to your family. now Im going to be super honest with you..Him not paying your dad back right away ( in my opinion when I first read it ) wasnt that big of a deal because 1) Im sure your dad knew who he was and how he was financially before makign that descision to helping him out. your dad did say to give it when he can and he did.. but Its ok, thats over with — now on to the important thing– he should have ben honest with you no matter what, no matter how ” pressuring’ it seemed to  him– were all adults trying to get married and be with the people we love, but lying doesnt make it easier for sure. my fiance no matter how terrible things seem, is honest ( Do I hate the truth sometimes, of course! but do I respect him for being so upfront? definetly! ) — All he has to do is be honest with you and your family.. I know that where your from the man pays but this all boils down to how he held himself when it comes to the truth and your family. If he just basically ‘ spit” out ” Im really sorry, I wish I can afford giving you the weddnig of your dreams, or helping your parents as much as I can, or for my family to help with what they had” and he actually gave it a try– you wouldnt be so heart broken. You would have still felt pressured do to the fact that you want to get married ASAP but Im sure you guys could worked it out from there and either A ) postponed the wedding or B) have a smaller wedding that can accomadate the financial situation you guys are going through at the moment.

 

Im really sorrry if I in anyway upset you but lying does suck. ๐Ÿ™ If  you guys ever do talk again ( Which I reallyy really hope you guys do to try to work things out !!!) just do mention what upsets you and try to find a way for him to not lie anymore and to get things back on track. I would begin with a nice mature sit down with your parents and him and to get things straightened out.

 

Do update us though, ๐Ÿ™ I really hope things do work out for you and gets better.. ๐Ÿ™

Post # 20
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Better a broken engagement, than a divorce with children involved.

 If you were to be together again I think you should still put off the wedding for quite a bit, and due to his dishonesty he would have to be transparent with his banking. When I met my fi he couldn’t keep ten cents and was steady trying to spend a dollar. I bailed him out once and put my foot down, I have passwords to EVERYTHING. I don’t use them anymore. I trust him.

He should date your parents too, kind of owes them a few apologies.

Either way I hope that you make the best choice

Post # 21
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@BellsforHer: I second this as well. Then again, shes not married yet so her parents at this point are still in the lead lol. After  your a married woman, hes your husband which means – he comes b4 the parents. I just do think you guys need to talk a little more about this.. ๐Ÿ™

 

Post # 22
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you did the right thing by ending it.  I dated someone very much like this – he couldn’t hold a job and often lied about having jobs – even pretending to go off to work every morning until I left for work.  He also took my car out without my permission and TOTALLED it – never offered to pay for my deductible or any of the costs – in fact a week later he pretended he had hurt his neck from the accident and went to the hospital to get pain killers.  He also went through a similar depression, was a deadbeat dad, and never had any money.  Turned out he was a drug addict and had hidden it from me the entire time, I was naive and had no idea that he was high on painkillers and spending his money on drugs… Our stories are so similar I can’t help but think you dodged a bullet.

I know people think you shouldn’t let your parents get in between the two of you, but very often those that love us can see red flags and warning signs that we are blind to.  Listen to your gut – if you have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right, that this isn’t the guy – walk away.  I did and soon after met someone who I haven’t had a moment’s doubt about – and all my family and friends couldn’t agree more.  That is how it SHOULD be.

Post # 25
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@bride68: aww hun I get what you mean.. but trust me — it is very pressuring and somtimes even more so on our men lol.. For sure, he wants to be with you and if he didnt then why would he propose in the first place right? But hs not pressured abotu being married to you, but just the weddin it self..

My Fiance so many times has broughten up the idea about how pressured he feels! I feel incredibly bad when he does though and I have no idea how to lessen his burden but to just be there with him and comfort him with words..

have you guys tried talking yet?

Post # 26
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@bride68:

i don’t know whether its best for you to be with him or not. But I have some advice if you do:

I think you just have higher expectations for him. I can understand his not wanting to work on the weekend. I am a lot like your husband, my husband is a lot like you. He works on somethign every Saturday, and takes only Sunday off, but is always doing something. But, I’m not sure you are right by trying to push your traits onto him. My husband is great about not giving me too put crap about it. It actually makes me want to be more productive when he is.

 

Right now, you just have to take some time for yourself, and see if this really is what you want out of life. If you decide you need to move on, you will be so thankful that you didn’t go through with it. If it works out, your relationship will be much stronger. Good luck

 

Post # 27
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My issues with this is the lying.  If you cannot trust him with little things, how then can you trust him with the big things?

The fact that your parents have had this change of heart about this, From loaning him money to thinking he is “scum”, is a red flag for me also. The fact that your family is culturally different and they were still willing to give him a chance… and now they do not want you to speak to him… thats a problem.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable about the money issue either, He said he would come up with the rest of the money, and you cant cash  check the same day??? There is something wrong there.

Good luck my dear. It will be hard, but be strong. Talk to your professors, some will give you and extention/retest due to what you are going though. 

Post # 30
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@bride68: 

Hun, if thats how he feels, then so be it. when one gets engaged, they know who they are dealing with. He knows he would have to get in contact with ur family.. That is very immature of him to feel comfortable becuaes he no longer has to contact ur family and go over for dinner. You seem very mature and wise and do wish for him to be happy but right now you hav to look after YOURSELF. you need to make ur self happy, not him because you have already tried. Forget him ( easier said then done) but i just dont see how a mature almost married mann didnt wanna take resopnsiblity. u deserve better…

Post # 31
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think that you and your Fiance may not be ready for marriage. Your Fiance isnt ready for the reason that you mentioned, dishonesty about the smallest things. But on the flip side, when you are married, you start a new family with your husband. You shouldnt let your family tell you who you can or cannot be with. We all want someone that our family approves of. In a perfect world, our parents will always love who we love, but it doesnt always happen that way. it sounds as though you still wanna be with but youre hesitant because of what your parents think.

 

PS: $30,000 is a great budget, im only working with 5K

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