Ended Engagement- Update

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
1369 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve thus far disagreed with everyone on BOTH of your posts. 

In the first place, no one has considered the notion that showing people a picture of YOUR OWN body isn’t cheating. I don’t own my fiance’s body, and he doesn’t own mine. I don’t like my body much, so I’m not interested in showing it to anyone, and it’s certainly DISRESPECTFUL to my relationship to flash my tits to a bunch of guys online or for a Girls Gone Wild video or some nonsense like that, but you really need to make a logical argument with sound evidence that this can be defined as “cheating.” My body is my body. His body is his body. If my fiance were bisexual and walked around naked in front of gay and bi men in a locker room, and some lauding words were thrown around, that wouldn’t make a bit of difference to me. In fact, I LIKE knowing that / if other women think my fiance is hot. Too Much Information maybe, but that turns me on.

The point here is this: Literally, not one person (and that includes you, OP) has considered if showing pictures of your penis is “cheating.” You just said that you “believe” it is. Well, I may believe that you’re holding up 10 fingers when you’re only holding up 5 because my vision is blurry, but that doesn’t make it so. You seem to have made a HUGE, life-altering decision not merely on belief, but on a visceral, gut response. I’m not surprised that you keep coming back to “How can two people who love each other so much not live with each other in their lives?” 

Right. I’m asking the same question. Pictures. Penises. There are people being tortured in the world, babies (literally) being raped. Pictures. Penises. I can’t help but wonder if it matters that much. 

You DO have to actually examine your beliefs and be willing to let them go if they don’t hold up in the face of logical (not emotional) examination. I just don’t come to the same conclusion you do, and I wouldn’t have gotten out of a wonderful relationship with a partner such as this for penis pictures. Not a chance.

Now, with that being said, there’s more to the story than the penis pics, and those OTHER things, to me, seem like the far bigger problem (the self-esteem issues and such). But it was the penis pics that made you change your entire life. You were willing to live your life with a person who had some serious internal problems, but you got out of the life because of the SYMPTOMS of those internal problems. It’s up to you to assess that fact. 

But I’ll say this much: When people are married and have been together 20 years, and something serious happens (a child died or a parent dies, etc.), they often–and maybe for a seriously extended period of time–go through deep depressive and self-esteem kinds of problems. This can surely lead to divorce, but partners are partners. Sometimes they stick it out too. I know this isn’t the same situation at all, merely given the disparity in duration, but would the penis pics and the self-esteem been call for you to leave a 20-year marriage? Should they? Is that a relevant question to your current situation? Again, this is all for you to assess.

Finally, I notice that no one has mentioned this: He hadn’t met this girl, right? Just online? WHY did he need to MEET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME just to tell her that he COULD NO LONGER SPEAK TO HER? It’s a person online; you either send a final message with that info, or you just block them. I suspect that his motives here were of the “rebound” variety, and that when he actually found himself face-to-face with this woman, he couldn’t do it. Sounds to me like he is no different than any other good person who is having serious emotional problems, which can cause good people to do not-so-good things. And they can still be good people. 

It seems very “clear” and “obvious” to everyone here that this relationship is “toxic” and “poison,” and I just don’t think life is often that clear. No WONDER you’re having a tough time swallowing that pill, OP. 

By the way, I’m not trying to sweep under the rug his deceitful behavior, the fact that it COULD–not will, but COULD–escalate, and his need to work on himself. I’m factoring that into my response–because people can be worth keeping in your life even if they’re having serious emotional problems. Those problems, prima facie, don’t make those people either disposable or toxic. 

Good luck, OP. I really, really, really understand your suffering, and I am heartily sorry that you have to go through it. But in 20 years, either you’ll be with him or you won’t, and either way–this pain will be gone. *hug*

Post # 17
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It’s best for you to avoid him as much as possible. (I realize the work thing makes it hard.) He is untrustworthy. Meeting the girl in person is a huge red flag. You do not meet an online flirt in person to tell them the whole thing is off. You meet an online flirt for one reason only. (Let’s be realistic.) work on your own life. I swear this will get better. Although, it’ll get better quicker the quicker you stay away from him. You can’t heal while you’re still in contact. Journal a lot about it!!! Spend time with friends. Take a lot of bubble baths, walks, whatever you need. You will heal and move on. 

Post # 18
9808 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

DeniseSecunda :  Are you trying to tell her that her ex showing his dick to random people on the internet isn’t cheating even though she’s already established that by the boundaries they set up in their relationship, it is to her?

No. If per the boundaries of their relationship it’s cheating, then it’s cheating. It doesn’t matter one tiny bit what you or I classify as cheating, all that matters is that OP feels it’s a betrayal of their relationship. 

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