Post # 1
these have beent he hardest 2 days of my life. But it was a mutual desicion. We love each other, but our values are different. What we look for in a marriage is different. I think…there were too many cracks in our foundation for us to build upon it. He had cheated in the past andI am ashamed to say, I had too. But the fact is, if we were in love, if we felt completel, we would have never cheated. I would never wonder what if this or that…. It’s so difficult. I returned the ring. I’m currently at a friend’s house. The ex and I will continue to live together but in different rooms until I can find a place this Fall. We have another roommate. Honestly, the past few months he and I felt more like roommates than soon to be married head over heels in love. I had gone to therapy over all of the issues and swore to my therapist if this that I wanted to marry him…even when she asked me “are you sure you’re not settling because you’ve been together so long?” Something in my gut was telling me that I was… and yesterday, with absolute heartache, I called him and said I just wasn’t ready. He didn’t sound surprised… I spoke to his brother today who said that he always felt that we weren’t ready. Friends have been very supportive. Although I haven’t spoken much about it. I deactivated my FB so people would just not ask too many questions. I’m not ready to answer any of them. I feel so ridiculously guilty. He moved out for me, stood up to his mother for me…he’s great…but so many things were missing. I felt that I kept asking him to change this or change that. A few nights ago he said “why do you want to marry me? You keep asking me to change so much”. He had a valid point. Whoever he marries should love him for who he is. And I deserve to be fully happy too. This is the first time I have ever put myself first. I still cry. This morning I woke up at my friend’s place and was so used to having my ex sleeping with his arm around me that as soon as I woke up I started to cry. It’s going to be a long hard road… but I truly believe it’s for the best. Not only for myself, but for him as well. Now I just need to stop crying every 5 minutes. Habit. 5 years creates a lot of habit, a lot of memories. Any advice on how to cope would be greatly appreciated… I deleted our website, we divided our savings, took down photos… I feel like the more we delay these things the more it will hurt.
Post # 3
I am sorry for you but was the best decision for ur relationship ! Sending a lot hugs !
Post # 4
Wow you’re really strong and it does sound like it was mutual 🙁 i’m so sorry – I dont have any great words of advice but I hope things will start looking up for you soon!
Post # 5
I am so sorry. I hope you feel better soon. I know it doesn’t help now, but time will lessen the pain. I wish you the best in figuring everything out.
Post # 6
Ure very brave for making that decision! I’m sorry ure going through pain but u saver ure self from a painful divorce down the road. My advice is to find a new habit. Maybe a hobby or sign up for a race n train.
Post # 7
I can’t imagine how hard that would be! But it is a very mature and smart decision to end it now rather then 5 years down the road. You sound like a strong woman and I’m sure you’ll get through it! Good luck!
Post # 8
So sorry you are going through this. But it is always nice to have something like this happen before the wedding.
Post # 9
I am sorry you have to go through this. I can share this briefly. I was in a 8yr relationship where I was settling and came to the same conclusions as you. It sent me into a depression that wasted 6 more years of my life. It took until 43yrs old to meet my perfect man. Through the years I thought maybe I was just too picky. I am now thankful for that experience. The difference when you are with the right person is indescribable. Good for you for being so strong. Hugs.
Post # 10
I´m so sorry you´re going thru such hard times. But it is incredibly mature of you to come to accept this difficult reality. Especially after being with this guy for so long- that usually encourages you to stay put, and let things continue…even if they´re not “great”…just to stay inside the confort zone….but you´re brave not to settle. Life is too short to settle and you´ve done yourself good. The hurting will heal in time, (i´m sure you can´t see this, but i promise it will) and you´ll find what you´re looking for..and when you find it you´ll KNOW….THAT´S EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED. i KNOW THIS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS. I´ve never been engaged but i once was in a relationship for 7 years and it was extremely hard to end it eventhough i KNEW it wasn´t good enough for me. It took me months to quit crying even though i ended it in the first place. My friends got me though that. DON´T EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP.
Then i found just what i wanted and NOW….i understand the value of this person i had been looking for, and i treat him with so much love and respect. Because i know how hard it would´ve been if i hadn´t given myself the chance to meet him. I´m so gratefull i was corageous in the past…i´m so proud of myself.
Remember reason is a choice, wishes and whims are not facts nor are they a means to discovering them. Reason is our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking, but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss we refuse to see.
You did well. CONGRATULATIONS MY FRIEND.
Post # 11
wow, i’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. you are both very brave for deciding to end your engagement. sometimes people go through with weddings they don’t want (or stay in unhappy marriages) because they’re too embarrassed about having to tell people that it didn’t work out. even though you feel guilty and sad, take comfort in the fact that it is for the best and it was something you both wanted. and keep in mind something better lies ahead for both of you.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry you are going through this. But you sound tough (even though I can feel the hurt and sadness from your post). I truly think from all that you said in your post that you are making the right decision. I was in an 5 year “comfortable” relationship too, and ended up just feeling like great friends or roommates with my ex. We never made it to the engagement point, but did talk about it, and finally I was brave and told him I thought we were just friends. We divided our things, he helped me pack, we cried, and I moved out. Hardest few months of my life. But a few years later I’m in absolute love with my Fiance (adore the crap out of him), and know I made the right decision. You are strong, brave, honest, and caring….for yourself and him. That is very admirable. You will come out ahead! Hang tough! Sending lots of hugs and best wishes your way.
Post # 13
If you need to talk, msg me. I’ve been there.
Post # 14
I’m so sorry to hear about what happened. Loads of e-hugs coming your way sweetie.
As to how to cope – relax and take it easy for a while. And spend time with friends and family if you can. But don’t forget ‘me-time’. It will take a while to recover from, but always remember that this is NOT the end, and that it was for the best. For now, take it one day at a time. And don’t force yourself into doing anything you don’t want to do. And it’s ok to be emotional – if you want to cry, cry. You want to yell? Yell at something. Feeling emotional now is not a sign of weakness, it is totally and utterly normal.
You made the best, smartest and mature decision that you could. And that is already the first step. 🙂
Post # 15
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this but just know that you did the right thing for you.
Take this time to grow and some time with friends and family – you will get through this.
Post # 16
I would like to thank each and every one of you for being so kind and showing support <3.
We finally sat and talked and both agree that it was the best desicion for us. For the past year we have been more as best friends and roommates than a couple… I will continue to live there until the Fall (thank goodness we had an extra bedroom) and we continue to be the best of friends. Neither of us regret anything. As he called it “it’s just an expensive lesson”. A leson well learned. Now to look forward to other things in life, including someday being with the person who is meant for me :).