- 3 years ago
I replied to my last post to provide an update, but think it was a closed post (and don’t really get how the thread works), so I’m writing a new post here and hope whoever reads this can offer some advice as I face the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. You can read my older posts for background about my struggling relationship and engagement, which lead me to here.
After months & months of trying to make things work with my fiance (together 8 years, engaged since last April), on Sunday I decided to end the engagement/relationship. He did make a lot of positive changes over those months and we did make progress as a couple, but unfortunately I didn’t feel our relationship was where it needed to be six months before our wedding date (September), and my intuition was still telling me to call it off.
We had gone through the cycle of “almost” ending it so many times, cried so many times, etc that this time, I barely cried. That said, a few days later, I am really, REALLY sad and am having trouble going through with the next steps. We are still living together while we figure out how to break our lease/sublet our apartment and where we’re each going to live next, but I am not worried about this leading back into things. We are living civilly in silence and getting ready to go through with all of the life-changing next steps which are about to happen, which is where I am freaking out.
Since I ended things with him, he wants me to make the next move of cancelling our wedding venue, which I understand (although pure punishment). Since I was having doubts for so long, this is the only wedding-related task that was/needs to be done (we never sent out save-the-dates, although naturally we will need to inform friends/family; I don’t have a dress, etc). Our six month deposit is/would have been due in two weeks. He keeps asking me if/when I’m going to do it, which I know is his way of testing me to see if I will actually go through with it (in hopes of hanging on), or so that he knows for sure this is 100% over and can start facing reality. Even though things ended on Sunday, I know it won’t be real or final until the venue has been cancelled. At that point, things are officially over, without any hope of coming back.
This is where I feel paralyzed. I know that it is just a venue, but to me, once this step is done, this is really is killing the dream. Once this step is done, it is truly OVER and I am having a really hard time dealing with the finality of it all. We have been together for almost 8 years now, and so the thought of this suddenly being over for good is unfathomable. It was really hard to explain to him that I still love him and can’t imagine him not being in my life tomorrow or the next day, but that at the same time, I don’t feel confident marrying one another for the rest of our lives. We simply didn’t have a healthy relationship and I was not happy; yet not waking up next time him for the first time in 8 years is something I can’t even wrap my head around, let alone that being my reality starting as soon as tomorrow.
I know I need to go through with canceling our venue, which I told him I would do today, but can’t seem to bring myself to pick up the phone and have that conversation. As I mentioned, our six month deposit (50%) is/would be due in two weeks. On top of that, this weekend I have two events where I will be seeing all of my friends from college and high school, and I know they will ask me why I am not wearing my ring, how wedding planning is going, etc. I know that I don’t owe anyone any explanation and can keep things as private as I’d like until I feel ready to share, but this is also creating what might be a necessary pressure to go through with things because otherwise, I may keep dragging them out.
I know that I hurt him on Sunday when I told him things were over, which also killed me. I’m really, really terrified of the pain he will feel once the venue has been cancelled. I still love and care for him, but am having trouble putting my own feelings before his. I know I can’t stay in things or put them off any longer for the wrong reasons, as that’ll do more damage, but I can’t even explain how much it hurts to still be and love, and have to tell the person who is 100% confident they want to marry you that you don’t want to marry them. After 8 years together. It’s killing me, too. He caused me a lot of pain this the past, a lot of which led us to this point, but this isn’t about revenge. I don’t WANT to feel like this; I just do. I feel like I’m freaking, stuck, and could use some words of wisdom/advice from anyone who has some to share.
Thank you xoxo