(Closed) Ended the Relationship: A Mix of Emotions (Long, but so desperate for help.)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@CertainlyUncertain:  First of all, BIG HUGS.

You did a very smart thing. Something wasn’t right, and it is so much better to find out now than after you marry.

What you need now is some time to process all of this. This is one of the reasons why I am so glad I didn’t marry young – it works for some, but you described exactly the kinds of things I was feeling when I was younger. Very normal.

Don’t let anyone force you into something you don’t want.

Who knows what will happen in the future. I wouldn’t worry about it (hard obviously). You just need to focus on the present. Things will feel better over time.

Post # 4
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I think you are making an extremely good mature decision.  You are having serious doubts with good reasons to back them up.  Take a year (or two) off this relationship. Date other people if you want, when you’re ready.  I’m sorry, if your friends say he was being emotionally manipulative and you were rushing the wedding due to immigration issues then he may have been using you all along.  Keep your chin up, busy yourself with your friends that are supportive of the breakup, and cut off all contact with the ex for at least 6 months to a year.

Post # 5
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CertainlyUncertain:  I know that finding a person that cherishes you is rare. I also think you sound unhappy. Maybe you should consider cancelling the wedding, but trying to work on your relationship with your fiance. Maybe something like therapy would help you work your issues out. It seems like you have problems that you are not addressing and it seems like, based on what you have said, that he loves you and would be willing to wait for you and work your problems out. I also think you need to find a way to enjoy being you. You seem like you don’t know who you are outside your relationship and you need to address this problem as well.

Post # 6
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

*HUG*

I was in your shoes a year ago. It’s hard, especially when the person is all you’ve known, but if you’re feeling doubts then trust your gut – you will thank yourself down the road. If you want to talk, PM me 🙂

Post # 9
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CertainlyUncertain:  I think if that is out of the question, you should probably be on your own for awhile and try to figure out what you want from life without contacting him. If you decided down the road that you truely wanted to be with him, then at least you would be sure about things. Right now I think you should focus on you.

Post # 10
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

First if you think it’s just cold feet and he is truely the man for you, then check out Conscious Transitions. 

But from what it sounds like, you are too young and this guy is nice, but not the right guy for you. That is the hardest decision to make, but your family and your friends cant tell what is right for you. It hurts to leave all you’ve ever known, especially when you love that person. But love isn’t enough for a long marriage. (Bad sex does not bode well for a 50+ year marriage.)

I think Dear Sugar says it best 

http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

 

 

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

Get a pen. Write that last sentence on your palm, sweet peas—all five of you. Then read it over and over again until your tears have washed it away.

Post # 11
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@CertainlyUncertain:  Of course you will feel sad.  You ended a relationship, and that would make anyone sad.  Even bad relationships when ended, cause sadness.  But you made the right decision.  If you have a little voice nagging at you not to do it, then don’t do it.  If it’s meant to be, you can get married later.  I agree with what the posters say above, work on the relationship and just drop the wedding talk for now.  You didn’t mention in your post, but I assume you are early to mid 20s?

Post # 13
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I think you did the wise thing and made a very difficult, but mature, decision.

If you know in your heart of hearts that something isn’t right, or you aren’t ready, making this decision now is the best thing.  For you and him.  

I know it doesn’t feel that way now… you are sad, heartbroken and lonely… and you regret hurting him as well as your family.

But… you deserve to be with someone you can commit to with your whole heart.  You deserve to have someone who will commit to you with their whole heart.  

Taking time for yourself is not a bad thing.  Date other people.  Finish school, travel, start your career.  Don’t let anyone else pressure you into doing something you don’t feel right about.  

When the time is right… you will meet the one who is right for you.  It might even be your ex.

You and he are so young.  You should experience life, including other relationships, before you make a commitment such as marriage.  It’s not wrong to want time for yourself or time to explore the world.  You have to know who you are before you can know who you should be with.

Good luck.  

 

Post # 14
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@CertainlyUncertain: You made an incredibly wise decision. It is painful now, but you will be so happy you did this down the road.

Post # 15
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I could have written this post…..10 years ago before I did what you have bravely chosen not to do.  I married the guy….and it was all wrong.  We didn’t make it to our 3rd wedding anniversary and to be honest it was over for about a year at least before we actually split up.  We also brought a child into our relationship and whilst I wouldn’t change anything about having my beautiful boy, it has been hard on him having to be the kid in school with the divorced parents.

We were together for 8 years before we married…mostly very happy…but we grew apart…and if I’m honest we had grown apart before we even got married.  Like you say the physical side to our relationship also just wasn’t good….it was virtually non existant and actually awkward for want of a better word.  In the end it boiled down to one thing….we just weren’t in love anymore…I still had loving feelings for him but he wasn’t ‘the one’.  I can say this with absolute certainty because now I am with ‘the one’….and when you know….you KNOW.  He is my best friend in the world, has raised my son alongside me and we have added another little boy to our family….. and I know i’ll be with him til the day I die.  The physical side is also amazing.

I guess what I am saying is that I have learnt that you know when you have it so right when you have had it so wrong in the past and that there is life afterwards.

 

Only you know what is right for you.  Whilst your mum and sister have your best interests at heart and I don’t doubt he is a wonderful man, if it isn’t right, and you can feel that it isn’t deep down, then you’ve done the right thing.  No matter how hard it is right now. 

 

Sending big hugs.  I really hope you’re ok xxxxx

 

Post # 16
Member
32 posts
Newbee

@KoiKove:  The passage you posted is perfect…..sums it all up x

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