(Closed) Ended the Relationship: A Mix of Emotions (Long, but so desperate for help.)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CertainlyUncertain:  GIANT HUGS. 

I’m sorry my dear. You need to do what is best for YOU. And it sounds like you know what to do.

Post # 18
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@CertainlyUncertain:  I’m sorry you’re going through a painful decision, but it also sounds like a natural one. If you don’t respect your partner, you can’t marry him. I always think my bf is the smartest, funniest guy in the room. He has his flaws (and lord knows I have mine), but at the end day, we’re partners and we’re a team not just because we love each other deeply, but because we respect each other.

You deserve that. You deserve someone who is your equal, someone you would be proud to call your husband. It sounds like the immigration issue was forcing things to a head before their natural time period. If your family doesn’t support your decision to end the relationship, then turn to other friends or use this to make new friends through new hobbies/activities. But you absolutely deserve better.

Post # 19
Member
1654 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Wow. I’m amazed at the courage you have. I would have done the same. My parents were planning my arranged marriage since I was 16, but I left home at 17 because I had a high school boyfriend they found out about and disapproved of. Almost three years later and we’re engaged now, and my parents couldn’t be happier.

I would have done the same as you, if I knew in my heart he wasn’t right for me. I sincerely hope you’re doing alright and that your mother and sister ease up on this. They aren’t marrying him, you are. And you need to know what’s best for you. 🙂

Post # 21
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

View original reply
@CertainlyUncertain:  I don’t know the whole details of your LDR, but if someone really loves you and wants to be with you, they don’t say “it’s between getting married and staying broken up.” Yes, you have been together for a number of years, but you are both young and just starting out in your careers. It sounds like he is pressuring you to get married. If you made it clear to him that you need more time, then he should be willing to give it to you, no matter the distance between you. And if he’s not, then he should be willing to let you go.

I can’t say when or how clarity will come to you. After my first significant break up, it just took time. I know you’re going through more pain now than you ever imagined possible — the morning after I broke up with my first bf, I physically felt like I had been hit by a truck. But I promise it will get easier.

I would really recommend that you cut off contact with him, as hard as that might seem. If you continue to talk with him, it will just make you doubt your decision and torture yourself. Clarity will not come from remaining in contact with him — it will only confuse you and keep you stuck in a purgatorial emotional space where you can’t move on.

Here’s the most important  thing: getting married should never, ever be a stressful decision. I’ve been with my bf for five years and we know we want to get married. When he asks me, it will be the easiest question I will ever have to answer. That’s how you should feel about your future Fiance. It shouldn’t be a tortured, difficult decision; you shouldn’t be weighing the pros and cons. If someone is really is right for you, you’ll know for certain. And it sounds like you are not certain, that you have some serious and valid reservations about your relationship. This doesn’t just sound like cold feet.   

You’ve been with this person for 7 years. Most of your adult identity is tied to him. So it’s natural that you would be confused and questioning your decision to end the relationship. But your history together is not a strong enough reason to base the rest of your life around him. You shouldn’t marry someone just for what you kind of past you’ve had together, but for what kind of future you will make for each other.

And, just based on what you’ve written here, that future doesn’t sound very bright. It sounds like you give more to the relationship than he does; it sounds like you don’t have great physical chemistry; it sounds like you are not intellectually stimulated by him. To be honest, these all seem like big reasons not to marry someone.

The really brave thing to do is make the decision you’ve already made, even if it causes pain to your Fiance. The cowardly thing would be to stay in a relationship which you find unsatisfying just because you’re scared of change.

So, if you decide to move on, then move on. Try to keep busy. Throw yourself into your schoolwork. making new friends, finding new hobbies or activities. Volunteer at an organization you’re passionate about. Do things your bf would never do with you, whether that’s taking a day trip somewhere, trying a new restaurant, going to a local concert venue you’ve always wanted to check out, etc. Read new books and listen to new music. Get rid of many of the things that remind you of him. I promise this will get easier, even if it seems right now like it never will.

 

Post # 22
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I was in a similar situatio before except that we weren’t engaged. If you are miserable it’s the number one sign to stay out of the relationship. You’re not going to feel happy about yoru decision for a long time. But time is a healer and a revealer. If its supposed to be it will be, everything happens for a reason. If God wants you guys to be together then you will get back together and it will happen naturally without any force, guilt or begging. Use this time on your own to learn about yourself, travel, hang our with friends, discover life. Marriage is a great life but so is being single. That is the only time its all about you where you have so much freedom to explore and discover yourself and the world on your own terms. You want that when you do find that person and youre ready to get married that youre ready for that step and not wishing you could do other things in life still. Every day, week and month will get easier. I was in serious depression for 6 months but I finally got over him. The best advice is do not talk to him during this time. You both need separation and talking or communicating at all just makes it harder. Completely cut communication for now until all the hurt, pain etc is gone. And in about 6 months you can if necessary reach out to him to discuss your past and perhaps your future. As soon as I got over my ex, the next month I met my now husband and I am soooooo much happier than I was with my ex so that very low period in life was worth it. You need to learn to stand on your own, be an independent woman complete and whole in herself. Only then will you be able to move forward and have a successful marriage. Hang out with your friends, do fun stuff, travel, do something that scares you, do something new. You will get over this. Wishing you all the best!

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