- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
I wasn’t sure where to put this post since it isn’t wedding related… and it might be long so I apologize in advance 🙂
I have been friends this girl since 2nd grade. She always had a lot of insecurities and jealousy issues (of pretty much everyone- my mom says including me, but I could never figure out what for.) In high school she got a boyfriend and she stopped hanging out with all of us for him. (Typical of many girls that age.) Then she broke up with him and wanted us all back again.
It was fine, we were happy to have her back. Then she was desperate for a guy. (I had met Darling Husband at this point and we had been dating a year.) She wanted to be with us all the time and was desperately seeking a guy. (She even tried to sit on DH’s lap one night after she had been drinking.) He always said she was “like a dog in heat.” Even her mom was desperate to get her a guy.
She ended up liking one in one of her college classes- (we both transferred our junior years and we commuted together)- and I was more than happy to help her talk to him. (Even when it meant she left me sitting in a cold car for 2 hours at 9 p.m. because she was working up the nerve to talk to him- not that I was pleased about that.) So they ended up getting together and moving in together within 3 months. At this point she stopped hanging out with us again and only called when she needed something. (I should have been prepared for that I guess!) She never e-mails or calls unless I initiate it, or as said, if she needs something.
Right before she met him we had gotten engaged, but had no plans for a wedding for a few years. After I graduated college we moved about 900 miles away from home. She said she wanted to come and visit- we have plenty of space for them to stay.
So anyway, I have always worked really hard to keep this friendship going. On dozens of occassions my parents, sister, grandmother and other BFF always asks why I try so hard when she only uses me when she needs something. I always say that i’d hate to throw away such a long friendship- and am always told that friendship is a two way street in response.
So, fast forward 3 years. We planned our wedding for this past June, with her being a bridesmaid. She had made tons of comments about how she didn’t have a ton of money for a dress and so when we went shopping I pretty much let her pick it out. (She was bitter and angry the entire trip and made a lot of people miserable- she always gets her way about restaurants, she’s cheap and won’t tip or will skip out on her bill so you have to pay at bars and things.) So she pretty much told me what dresses they would wear- they were $99-120- and they can wear them again so I was fine with it. The entire shopping trip she complained about how her boyfriend hadn’t proposed and tried to make everyone feel guilty for being engaged or even in a relationship. About a week later he did propose.
Then came one of my first posts to the Bee. 🙂 She picked out $300 dresses for the bridesmaids. She picked dresses that you couldn’t try on beforehand (and I will admit, I am a bigger girl so I need to try things on.) I felt so backed into a corner… it almost made me feel like she didn’t want me in her wedding. (And she is a thin girl who is always complaining about how fat she is and won’t eat- so she makes you feel like crap constantly.) It ended up being so difficult (and her wedding was a month after mine) that I had to back out. Now, I know I can be difficult sometimes- and maybe she was mad I was trying to show her other dresses that were cheaper and we could try on. When I told her I couldn’t do it she said, “That’s fine because you were stressing me out about having to try on a dress.” WTF. So her cousin (that she isn’t friends with) and her sister in law (who she doesn’t love) were her bridesmaids.
So at this point everyone told me to just stop talking to her because it would cause me stress. So I decided after her wedding was over I would just cut her out because it was starting to really hurt. She then became bridezilla. Everything she posted on FB, in e-mails was about her and her wedding. Her cousin mentioned getting a new job and moving out of state and her response “Well what about my wedding? Can you believe it was 2 months ago I found my dress?”
At my bachelorette (after many drinks) I mentioned to her that I was hurt that she made it so difficult for me to be in her wedding. She said, “Yeah I guess it would have been better if I waited a year. That way you guys would be here to help me more and I wouldn’t have to only have my bachelorette party with the SIL.”
My wedding came. She was okay. (Aside from going in my house after the wedding and taking a bunch of my stuff and asking after I got back if she could “borrow it.”) A lot of people asked who the “bitter looking” bridesmaid was (and now a bunch of people have asked me why she was such a b***** to them.) But I just knew I had to get through her wedding and I’d be set to distance myself.
I offered to make programs for her (I am a freelance designer) so she said yes. I made some fun programs that were cootie catchers- they took me a long time. And then she had me edit them about 6 times because this wasn’t right, or this color isn’t right and this and this and this… everyone I worked with asked me who the bridezilla was that I was making it for (they all loved it the first time.) Then she told me that I needed to print off 1 for all 160 guests and I had to fold them all because she couldn’t remember how. (I wanted to say, “It’s called Google.”) But I did it because I knew that it was a stressful time, and I offered.
So her wedding came- I drove all night and got there the day of her rehersal. (I was reading in the wedding.) I was exhausted but tried to do whatever I could to help her family get ready. After the rehearsal we went out to the bar, but I said I was exhausted and wouldn’t stay late. She said that was fine because she had to get her sleep and I was to be her driver. Then she ignored me all night and talked to her new friends- it was like they didn’t even have any idea I had been her friend for 19 years. It was as if they just thought I was her driver and they acted as if they had known her forever. I told her I was tired, but she wasn’t ready yet. Eventually I had to go home otherwise I wouldn’t be able to make it through the next day and she had to find another ride.
Fast forward to the wedding day. She ignored all of her other friends and only hung out with her new ones. She took a lot of ideas from my wedding and pretended she never saw them at my wedding. (It’s fine to use them, but don’t act as if you were the one who came up with them.) She acted as if we were all below her (and all of our friends had traveled quite a bit to come to her wedding- but all she did was say hi.)
So at this point, I was extremely fed up, but hey, weddings are stressful. I came home though and was a little upset as to how I was treated. I was really seeing what everyone had been telling me for years. And maybe I am at fault for never really having a heart to heart.
When we got home I had taken a lot of pictures (I am trying to start my own photography business) so I edited them and made a nice album in addition to her gifts and sent it to her a few months later. (I debated doing it for a long time whether to even bother.) I got a text saying she loved it and that she was sorry she wasn’t always the greatest friend. I didn’t know what to say, so I just said “Glad it made it there.” At this point I stopped talking to her and she made no effort to contact me.
Fast forward to Christmas. She sent me a bunch of messages saying, “You are coming out dancing with me. I need a girls night.” I decided I wasn’t going to jump at that. I said “I will be pretty busy when I’m home.” She kept at it saying that she needed a girls night. (She really only has one friend- all the people at her wedding were co-workers who are at least 15 years older with kids.) I told her that I couldn’t but that she was welcome to come to my parents Christmas party. So she showed up (and of course later people commented on how she was snotty because she ignored them- people who have known her since she was a kid).
Over the last 4 years I have been asking her to come visit us and she always says, “It’s too expensive.” (Flights are $140 RT. She has told me before that she spent $300 at banana republic on clothes for her husband, even though she knew he would hate them but she wanted him to have the labels in his closet.) So that night at the Christmas party she said that she was going to Disney World with her new friends. Now, we had been planning a group vacation a few years ago with a bunch of other couples- she told us where we could go- we booked it and she backed out. So I confronted her and asked her why she wouldn’t come visit us, but she would go to Disney. She said she couldn’t afford to come see us. I told her flights were cheap. She said she didn’t know how to book a flight. (Her husband responded that she needed to be a grown up because it wasn’t hard.) I was very hurt. My mom then mentioned to her friends about renting a house at the beach near us and having her friends come down for my husband’s masters graduation- she said, “Oh if your mom is renting a house I will come for that.” WTF?
Everyone told me that she wouldn’t book the flight or go to Disney because it is so expensive ($90/ticket for the park). So I kept telling her she needed to visit me and go to Disney later. She just laughed. Then I logged onto Facebook the other night and saw “Yeah, I booked out flight to Disney with so and so and so and so this will be awesome”
My heart fell to the ground. I felt like I had been stabbed. Everyone has visited me that can, but her. I feel like she could care less about what my new life is like. I really wanted her to come down and meet my friends (well some flew up to the wedding so she did meet them) but I wanted her to see what my life is like.
Now to be honest, I have been a little immature since seeing that and made statuses about friendship being a two way street (well a quote by Malcolm X) and mentioned the other 2 friends who came to visit these past 2 weeks. I am a coward. I don’t know whether to say anything to her or just to stop talking to her like I had been doing for a few months. The thing that really hurts is she might not even notice. Am I talking this too personally? I feel really hurt and I hate that I have put all this work into a friendship… but it’s a lot of work with no return!
What would you do Bees?