(Closed) Ending Enagagement over the lifestyle?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t speak for your Fiance, but my attitude toward the whole thing is similar to his. I would definitely be really uncomfortable with someone I was with going to such things, and would not understand their desire to go in the least. I could not imagine maintaining such a relationship, let alone getting engaged to someone who was into such a lifestyle – it would just cause too much heartbreak for me and too much drama.

This is your relationship, not mine, but I think it’s a pretty big issue to not agree on, so I would try and talk about it more with him – maybe you both will manage to come to some agreement. Good luck!

Post # 4
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Sounds to me like you’re not a good match.  Sorry.

Post # 5
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I might be confused but what is the issue if he allows you to go but doesn’t want to participate?

He’s not saying you can’t fulfill your “playful” side in that way. He would just prefer not to join you.  I personally don’t blame him. While I don’t judge you, it’s just not for me nor is it something I could handle in my relationship. 

Also, what do you do if you aren’t hooking up with others? Sorry I just don’t really understand the whole thing…

Post # 6
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree that you should be able to maintain your friendships, but isn’t the whole idea of “swingers” and those events surrounded around sex?  Maybe I’m wrong?  I would have a hard time with my SO going to such events when the expected outcome is hooking up with others.  Even if that’s not your intention, do all the others know that and refrain from hitting on you/wanting to hook up with you? 

If I were you I would keep talking/thinking of different ways to fulfill the playful side you refer to.  There has to be a solution if you both can compromise.  Many couples have differences in their preferences/what they like to spend time doing and can still find a balance that makes them both happy.  Keep talking.  Good luck!

Post # 7
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

Your Fiance sounds like me. I would have interpreted you to mean you will no longer spend time with that group and that’s what I would want. Sexuality isn’t just about intercourse, as I’m sure you know, and those “lesser” forms of sexuality also fall under what I see as monogamy, so no swingers/orgy groups even “just to watch” or “just to hang out,” no strip clubs, no burlesque clubs, and in fact no significant participating in any subculture in which a dominant theme is non-monogamous sexuality. I just don’t share my sexuality outside my relationship with Fiance and neither does he. This may be what your Fiance is expecting from you.

I’m not sexually uptight/”vanilla,” I’m plenty playful and adventurous, but just with Fiance, that’s all. Nobody else gets to have it, or gets to see it. It’s his only. I expect the same in return.

However, if you see other “sexuality-lite” things as outside of where you would want to put the monogamy-line, I think it may be a fundamental difference in expectations that is a dealbreaker for your relationship. Because personally, I couldn’t budge on it – it would be very important to me to keep “sexuality-lite” monogamous too.

What is it that you get from this group that you can’t get from your Fiance and other friends?

Post # 8
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

We have a group like what you’re describing in my area, they’re called the impropriety society (gah what a perfect name!). My Fiance & I have talked about going to one of their events together, not to do anything sexual. Just to see what goes on, what the people are like, get ideas for our private sexy time, and make new friends. Granted, we’re both sexually playful people. I don’t think I could be comfortable in a relationship where the other person flat out refused to attend something like this together. 

I would keep talking to him about it for now. If he keeps refusing eventually you need to ask yourself if you’d be comfortable and happy giving it all up for good just to keep him happy. Hopefully he’ll get it into his head that these events are just for one night & really, nothing crazy is going to happen unless you both let it happen or invite it to happen. Maybe you could get some of the group members together in a setting that would make him comfortable like coffee or drinks. Maybe once he gets to know them &  realizes they are regular people with a dash of the wild side he’ll be more open to attending with you. Best of luck!


Post # 9
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

If you are a swinger or poly amorous then you will not be happy with someone who is vanilla and monotonous and close minded. If he can’t fulfil your sexual and intomacy needs and isn’t open to these things then I would not marry him. It sounds like these things are import ant to you. If you try to deny a need like this it will devour you from the inside out.

Post # 10
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think it’s unrealistic for you to expect his mind to change on this issue.

After 7 years of being together, my Fiance will NOT step foot in an adult bookstore, and wont watch porn with me, for his own reasons, but mainly because he DOESNT WANT TO. I used to get very upset about it because he made me feel ashamed of myself. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Wasn’t the man supposed to be a horndog and the woman supposed to be a prude? And then I realized, my Fiance is more important to me than some sexual thrill. I dropped the issue because it was pointless to argue with him and was resigned to the fact that this was one issue he just wouldn’t compromise on. 

Would it kill you to stop being friends with these people and try to make new friends that hopefully would have the same interests as you? New friends that would party wildly with you but not necessarily in a sexual way? What do you do with these friends if you’re not being intimate with them? Jack/Jill type parties? Watching others swing? If you feel unfulfilled without doing these things, your Fiance is not the right man for you. I’m sorry and I wish you luck. 

Post # 11
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

There is nothing wrong with the sort of lifestyle you are talking about but you really really need to be on the same page with your partner to live this life sucessfully. Even if you aren’t heavily involved it is still something that makes you happy. If he thinks its gross (which it is not!) then you are not a good match. You won’t be able to change him and you shouldn’t change yourself.

Post # 13
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

From what you said, I think your sexual incompatibility will be amplified after you get married – which, ultimately, will become a much bigger issue than you think it will be and it is now.

I don’t think he is being unreasonable in voicing what he is comfortable with or willing to do nor do I think you are being unreasonable.  However, if you choose to stay with him, you’d also be giving up that community.

The choice is really yours – but, again, I think it may be one of those things you are ok with for a short-while, but in the long-term will become much more of an issue (as your sexual needs are not met).


Post # 14
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Why don’t you interact with your “lifestyle” friends outside of “lifestyle” type events?
If you’re really into it primarily for the friendship and the lols, then couldn’t you just as easily set up coffee dates or something with them? I don’t think your husband would have a problem with that, and he might even go with you. If he does, he might become more comfortable with the idea of you spending time with these people, once he sees the nature of your relaitonship.

Post # 15
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@anoneebee:  I don’t really have any advice, but the party part does sound fun.  I’m way too jealous to participate, but open-minded, drama free people are the best.  I can totally see why you’d still want to stay in touch with them.

Post # 16
3340 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

I’m not sure you two really know each other well enough to be talking about marriage yet.  You say you’ve only been dating exclusively since March and that he proposed in October or November??  That’s fast!

Sex is a really huge part of marriage.  If you can’t talk about it and make each other happy in that aspect of your relationship, it’s not going to work out in the long term.  I don’t think that means you should break up entirely, but I would at least postpone the wedding.  Put the engagement on a little bit of a hiatus and get to know each other better.  If he never embraces this lifestyle that you want, will you ultimately be happy with him?

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