(Closed) Ending Enagagement over the lifestyle?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 34
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you need to ask yourself what’s more important to you–these friends of yours and the lifestyle, or your fiance?  Because it really seems to me that you CANNOT have both.  My closest friend (who happens to be a guy) also loves the same kind of lifestyle that you do but he knows that because of it, he either can’t get married or he has to find a woman who’s into the same kind of lifestyle and won’t consider it to be cheating if he continues to engage in it while they’re together.  Any woman he hooks up with is going to have to accept that this is who he is and that he isn’t going to change for anyone.  It’s truly unfortunate that your fiance misunderstood to believe that you would give this up entirely because it sounds like you’re going to have to do just that if you want to keep him even if that’s not what you actually promised to do.  You have a very difficult situation to make, but if I can offer you any advice, it’s not to think of him as being “close-minded” just because he doesn’t want to engage in this type of lifestyle because it really ISN’T for everyone and he obviously has some very strong feelings about it, but at least he doesn’t judge you for having engaged in it in the past and that’s about as open-minded as he can be expected to be about this.  It’s a similar thing with me–I would NEVER in a million years do the types of things that my friend does, but this man has been my friend for nearly twenty years and I don’t judge him for anything he does.  I know that this lifestyle is a part of who he is, but not believing in doing these types of things myself (or being comfortable with my husband doing them either) is a part of who I am.  Neither of us can change our feelings on this and it’s one of the biggest reasons why we never hooked up as a couple ourselves even though we’re as close as two people can possibly be without being in a relationship.  Instead, I married a man who believes in the same kind of lifestyle that I do because I knew that was the only way I would ever be happy in my marriage.  My recommendation is for you to do the same but I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

Post # 35
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@anoneebee:  If you don’t get anything sexual out of these parties/trips, then why would you end the engagement over the lifestyle? It sounds like you may just need to spice things up in the bedroom with your Fiance. I understand why he’d be uncomfortable re: the ‘lifestyle’ and I think he’s been very reasonable so far. If my SO wanted to go to one of these parties, I think I’d freak out. Not that it’s bad per se, but it’s so far from the realm of what either of us are used to, and I’d consider it playing with fire. Seems like the perfect place to be tempted to cheat, you know?

Post # 36
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you both need to know your own interests & limitations and be fully honest with each other about them. I see you doing a lot of self-policing for his sake. If he has said he’s fine with you going to these events, trust him and respect him enough to let him set his own boundaries for himself. It might be a good idea to have a real in-depth conversation where you share your perspective, insecurities, and hopes and he does the same. Why do you think that he’s not ok with your behavior? Has he said anything to that effect? Do you feel judged by him? These are questions to ask yourself and then share with him in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental way. It’s possible that he’s saying he’s fine with it but passive-aggressively making demeaning comments about that lifestyle and (by proxy) you for your interest in that lifestyle. But it’s just as possible that exhibitionism is just really not his thing, and you need to respect that without trying to change his sexual preferences. 

It seems like your interests and needs are not so much incompatible, as they are divergent. And I think you can both be totally fulfilled as long as you are communicating openly with each other and being honest with yourselves. A lot of people here are saying that you’re just not compatible, that you need to give up your kinks, etc. but I don’t buy that. As long as he is open-minded enough to respect your lifestyle preferences (and you his), I think you two can make this relationship work and be fulfilling for you both. Let’s not confuse being “open-minded” with “learning to get off on exactly what I get off on.”

Now, all that said, I think there must be ways for you to get your kicks that are a little less intimidating to him (at least to start with). It’s almost like you’re asking him to dive into the deep end of the pool without teaching him how to swim. Try inviting your “lifestyle” friends over for non-sexy times–dinner parties, game nights, etc. You don’t even have to tell your Fiance how you met them unless he asks. If you really want to let loose with your fiance in public, what about going to a club or carnivale party or something?

Post # 37
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I also wanted to add that even though I know you only want him to TRY this lifestyle first and are frustrated that he won’t even TRY it before dismissing it, trying something like this may in fact make him feel like he is violating some of his core values/beliefs.  If your fiance is anything like me, I’m willing to try just about anything, but not if it’s something that I’m truly against.  Being willing to try new things is one thing but you also have to stay true to yourself and your principles.  My code of conduct may not be perfect but I live by it and it sounds like your fiance lives by his too.  If you stay with him, it’s something you will unfortunately have to accept.

Post # 38
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

I’m not going to judge you or even say that what you want is wrong or absurd. In fact, as a single woman I’d say these parties sound like a lot of fun! Having said that, if your Fiance is stuffy or ultra-conservative then it is more a question of like and unlike, rather than right and wrong. You guys can opt for a compromise – counselling exists for that purpose. It might be a good idea to have a clear understanding of what is/isn’t acceptable for both of you, and if the other is willing to toe the line. If no solution comes out of it however, then I’m afraid you might need to re-evaluate your relationship. I’m having a feeling that whoever of you gets the short end of the stick is going to be mighty pissed about it. 

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@romantical:  I’m an Aquarius, by the way, and I totally get her thing Laughing. Are you one as well?

Post # 39
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I say again… don’t change who you are. Just do a watered down and slightly more considerate version of the stuff you want to do, and if he can’t compromise enough to accept that, then it’s tough. An example would be:

– before Fiance: skinny dipping with my friends in a jacuzzi.

– after Fiance: topless sunbathing, but no full nudity.

Everyone does this to an extent. I’ve cut back on my piercings and tattoos since getting with Fiance, although I did get a new one last year. I do still have my moments as well… like when I adopted two feral cats in Malaysia and brougt them back to the UK without telling him Surprised. At the end of the day, he does have to accept you, but you have to show willing as well. I think that for now, you just need to compromise and then hang in there even if he is a bit peeved. I’ve been through exactly the same sort of process with my Fiance (not with regards to swinging, but…). Eventually, he’ll just have to decide if it’s something he can put up with or not. Not much you can do about that.

Post # 40
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

If, as you say, all you want is to dance around in a sexy outfit, why not go to a club with your FH and catch up with your ‘lifestyle friends’ outside of those events?

Post # 41
Member
2296 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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@anoneebee:  when you say that you don’t want to ‘share’ him with anyone else – i don’t think he wants to ‘share’ YOU with anyone else. which to him probably means not going to parties dressed in skimpy outfits where people are having group sex downstairs!

i don’t think you’re a bad person or that the ‘lifestyle’ is bad – i just don’t think that you’re really looking at this from his perspective and respecting his boundaries.

and when you say that you’d just be hanging out playing flip cup for hours and that nudity ‘might’ be involved – well i could see how your Fiance is upset. he obviously feels that respecting your relationship (and future marriage) does not involve his fiance playing drinking games topless. i don’t see that as being unreasonable at all.

so you need to decide: do you want a lifelong commitment with your fiance, or do you want to party in skimpy outfits?

i read this back and it sounds a bit harsh – i don’t mean it to, but i look at my SO and think that i can’t imagine entertaining the idea of not spending my life with him ….for what??

Post # 42
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Aquababes:  I’m actually a Cancer, dear Wink  Sometimes really wish I had the adventurous streak of an Aquarian though!  I know quite a few and they all seem to be very open-minded individuals

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