- 1 month ago
Hi all, I know that I should really not post my entire life online but I am really struggling. DISCLAIMER: I struggle frequently with anxiety and depression, and have extremely low self esteem. I have been working on it for a very long time.
i got engaged about a month ago to a man I’ve been with for 5 years since we were 17. He is everything I could ever want or dream of in a husband; he is kind, loving, smart, very attractive, faithful, spiritual, deep, and a true natural leader. I literally could not be more blessed. But, we have been through a LOT over those 5 years; we struggled with extreme codependency through years 2-3 that caused almost irreparable damage between families. We both suffered from depression in this time, especially myself, and clung to each other for dear life because it was the only thing that could quell the constant anxiety.
Luckily, we were able to mend that and move forward for the next two years. However, as we started to become individuals and grow up, our relationship suffered some more major tolls. My fiancé had become so tired of my emotional needs from when I was struggling with mental health so greatly(I needed constant deep emotional connection, he tends to avoid deep connection on a day to day basis) that when I became very close with one of our mutual guy friends he was elated. This new person became my very best friend and my center for emotional support. I learned so many new things about myself and became a true individual through my friendship with this person; it was the first time I was happy in a very long time. Unsurprisingly due to the level of depth our relationship held, this other guy really wanted a relationship with me. I knew #1 that I was still committed to my boyfriend and #2 that if I wasn’t, I would need much more time to grow as an individual before dating someone else. So I stayed with my boyfriend (who eventually grew to deeply dislike this friendship of mine, understandably so, but only after 8 months of not caring a bit) and I continued my best friendship with this person because it was what made me the happiest and I understand this was probably not the best course of action so I don’t need someone to tell me about that lol.
I tried quite often to break up with my boyfriend over the last two years, but we have grown up together and our families now love each of us, so we fell consistently back into our dating patterns easily. We have fun together and have strengths/weaknesses that greatly compliment one another. He has been set on me since day 1, that has been made very clear. I really don’t understand why because I feel we have had so much turmoil and it appears that I constantly make him feel like he is not good enough etc even though I try so hard to make him feel special.
we decided to move forward when things had been going especially well for a while and give it all we got, therefore the engagement. The actual day before he proposed I was crying all day saying I thought I didn’t want to move forward and needed more time, which he was there for, but proceeded to propose that night anyways. Honestly when it happened, I was elated and was for a few weeks after. I felt so much joy for having finally done the “right” thing and finally having been able to make my fiancé feel special and loved by me.
But now here we are, with me having the same doubts I’ve always had. I miss my best friend dearly as we stopped talking months before the engagement and I Look at the wedding with mixed emotions; relief that the drama is possibly coming to a close but also dread that I am locking myself into something when I clearly have so many issues. I know that postponing the wedding is absolutely unavoidable; I guess my next question is what now? I have grown up with this person and he feels that he is undoubtedly my soulmate. There are days I feel that way as well, but not often enough. I just really need some support and guidance. No one knows about these issues except my best friend, who thinks that I need to grow on my own. Everyone else thinks we have the perfect relationship (high school sweethearts). How could I end things with someone who is so perfect, and truly thinks we are soulmates? Am I really just that messed up? Someone please help. Thanks so much