(Closed) Ending friendship over wedding location ?!?! (Long !)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you entertain a friends opinion of your wedding?
    No, when they get married they can do what they want. : (56 votes)
    41 %
    Yes, my friend's opinion is a very important thing to me. : (3 votes)
    2 %
    For certain things yes, other things no. : (55 votes)
    41 %
    Golly, I just LOVE answering polls! : (20 votes)
    15 %
    Other. : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1578 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

    Maybe he thinks it’s exclusionary because he thinks he can’t go to the wedding if it’s in another country? Really, that’s the only idea I can come up with as to why he’s so insistent on you not having it over there.

     

    Other than that, maybe you should just take a step back from your friendship for a little while. Don’t make it a black/white decision with no shades of gray in between. Maybe you can take a breather from John for a month or two, and things might go back to normal. If he invites you out somewhere, say that you really can’t because of x, y, or z, but let’s reschedule some other time! That way it’s not like you are blowing him off. 

     

    I don’t know. I hate to see friendships end. He seems like he’s being a baby about this, though. He just seems really jealous that you are engaged and he is not.

    Post # 4
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I know he is frustrating you a lot, but if your friendship with him is important to you, you need to react differently to how he is acting.  For example, don’t yell at him and don’t even respond when he gets sulky.  Instead, say things like, “I know you think that, but we are excited about London because…” and give a reason.  Keep it really positive.  It sounds like he wants attention.  

    Also…a few of my friends are being assholes about my wedding.  Like they couldn’t bother to care.  One friend who is a bridesmaid basically told me I shouldn’t have a diamond because it’s a blood diamond blah blah blah (it’s not — my fiance made sure) and another who told me I was “demanding” for asking her opinion of my dress (seriously…).  Friends are stupid about weddings.  But if their friendship is more important than your wedding (which it should be) you have to figure out a way to remain friends.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    12973 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt when I say, maybe he really is hurt.  Maybe he can’t attend your wedding because of the location and the travel and the expense that goes along with it.  Maybe he’s hurt he won’t get to spend your wedding day with all of your close friends celebrating.  Maybe he misses spending time with you because your school program is so intense.  I get all of this.  I think if any of these are true, then he definitely came about telling you in the wrong way, but I think they are valid emotions.

    On the other hand, he could just be acting like a jerk with no real legitimate reason.  But I think you owe it to your ten year friendship to find out why he is so hurt by whatever he’s hurt by.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2874 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @missmorganista:  i was thinking jealousy too, but rather than jealousy about being engaged, jealous that he isnt now the centre of her life. (obviously not in a romantic way since hes gay)

    when people get engaged and getting older…job and romantic ocmmittment gets prioritised way more than they would have been before. well, this is from my experience. so in my circle, whereas bithdays used to be a bit extravanganza etc…now people have so much going on its easier to have a quick drink and have done with it. for people who are single and maybe dont have much going on professionally…its disappointing and its a symptom of a failing friendship…whereas it isnt, its just growing up. So hes disappointed about the birthday thing…fair enough, but needs ot get over it

    comments about your ring – make him look like a jerk. not his business.

    comments about your wedding – eugh they just go with the territory. ive had a lot of negative comments from my london friends that im not getting married in london, but rather in mexico – where i live!! and yes, if you have family spread out internationally then realistically weddings are going to be exlcusionary. this to me is a fact of life.

    for you – if youd have had in in US, your fi’s family oculdnt come. if you have it in london, the crazy racist aunt cant come. someone cant come – so better to have the fis parents

    weddings bring out the crazy in people, its true. its good to take a mental step back and say “is any of this my fault? could i have done it differently” (and in your case i dont think you could have changed anything and i dont think its your fault) and if the answer is no…then you need to distance yourself. unless he starts with an apology and a big effort

    Post # 8
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    It sounds like what John’s really having a problem with here is losing you. Not romantically, but as a close friend. It sounds to me like his attempts to dictate your wedding planning are more because he sees this as a way to be involved in your life. And he sounds lonely to me. As a closeted gay man, he’s not exactly going to be marrying and settling down with his own family any time soon, and on some level, I think it must be hard for him to watch other people have this he basically said as much. (And I realize that not being openly gay is his choice.)

    What I think it comes down to is that a bunch of small things, like being late to his party, seeing you focus your attention on your wedding and your future, have made John feel unimportant to you. So he’s trying to get your attention.

    If this is a friendship worth saving, I think you should take John out to lunch, let him pour out his heart about all the things that have hurt him recently, without turning it into a confrontation and defending yourself (because you haven’t done anything, he’s just focused on these stupid things because the big thing, feeling like he’s losing one ofhis best friends, is too big to articulate). Just let him get it off his chest and reassure him that he’s still important to you. 

    Or he’s a self centered drama queen.

    Post # 10
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @asi2001:  When all your friends are involved in long-term relationships, and are comfortable in their lives, and you are not…that is very difficult to deal with.  He seems to be lashing out because of that.  If you care about him, I think you should see him through this time.  How old are you guys?

    Post # 11
    Member
    8883 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I don’t say this to be rude and I hope I don’t offend you since he is your friend, but he needs to grow the heck up.  He sounds like an immature, bitter person who’s very negative. This is the happiest time of your life and he SHOULD be happy for you.

    Anyone who would bring such drama and unhappiness to shomething that I am so thrilled about is not worthy of my time or love.”
    EXACTLY.
     

    Post # 12
    Member
    620 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    @Lyndzo:  This.

    John sounds like a spoiled brat or maybe like he’s a bit neurotic. When people get married their priorities tend to change. Would he understand that? Now he’s hurt that you’re putting your studies and your wedding before him. Do you think he will be more supportive and a better friend once you have a family and a new career?

    Post # 14
    Member
    2874 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @asi2001:  i have a friend who seems a bit similar in some ways. shes unable to tell when shes wrong *ever* and whenever theres a problem its me reaching out and trying to make it better, and eventually she’ll ‘let’ me fix it. and all our problems did pretty much come to a head once i got engaged. im getting to the point where im just not sure if we’ve outgorwn each other or whatever

    @peachacid:  i agree with this 100%. its not even necessarily that he wants to be in one too, its that he doesnt want his friends to be busy with their own lives

    if i were you i dont think id do anything…i think id be done unless he made a big effort to fix it. but then my view is coloured by my own experience and thats pretty much where im at emotionally

    Post # 16
    Member
    1686 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @asi2001:  

    If you’re done with the friendship, that’s okay. Sometimes people just demand too much from us. It feels like crap, but it’s completely reasonable, healthy even, to decide that you don’t have the resources to support the emotional drain that comes with this friendship and remove yourself from it.

    I’ve kept some taxing friendships in my life longer than I should because I felt bad for them because I felt, deep down, they weren’t bad people, just unhappy, and I felt like they deserved to be loved and supported. It took me a long time to really accept that it was not my responsibility to love them, and that regardless of my past friendship with that person, I do not owe them unlimited access to my time or emotional resources.

     

    The topic ‘Ending friendship over wedding location ?!?! (Long !)’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors