- 3 years ago
Hi, Bees! I need some advice about ending an engagement, which I am absolutely distraught over. I (think I) know this is the right decision, but every time I go to do it I am absolutely paralyzed with fear of hurting him, his family, moving out, etc, and have less than 10 months until my wedding date. I feel I’m staying in things for the wrong reasons, and keep “going along” with things hurting myself because I’m scared to hurt him. I told him the other night how I was feeling, and am in a limbo period as we speak where we are living together but aren’t speaking.
A little background: about eight months ago, I wrote a post on here after discovering that my boyfriend of seven years had cheated on me by kissing someone else (to the extent that I know) while traveling for work. I discovered this because he was drunkenly texting her right in front of me the following night. This was not the first incident of this kind, and was more-or-less the icing on the cake of an otherwise unhealthy relationship, so I came here looking for some advice. You all told me that through my words, it sounded like I knew what to do and just needed the strength to do it. Well, it turns out I did;t have the strength. I told him I wanted to leave him, but left the door open to work on things. We spent about one month working on things when…he PROPOSED. WTF – wasn’t expecting that. As I mentioned, we had been together seven years, are both 29-30yrs old, live together, have a dog together, so I knew that if we stayed together a proposal would be in the future, but not 4 weeks after he cheated on me. In the seven years we’d been together I never put pressure on him to propose because I said I wanted HIM to be ready, and only propose when he felt like he couldn’t wait to marry me, not because of an ultimatum. And yet, I felt the timing of the proposal was completely inappropriate and that I got an “I’m sorry” proposal vs the one I always wanted, where I’d know he’d be ready to settle down and commit to a life together. This resulted in a rough couple of months first engaged, where I cried a lot, told him I thought we were still working on things, and felt horrible wearing a beautiful ring that doesn’t represent what it is supposed to.
He seemed to improve upon some of the other issues in our relationship, so we secured a venue in June, and since then, I have been completely paralyzed when it comes to wedding planning because my gut keeps screaming “NO!”. I love him, but feel that our relationship had it’s time and simply isn;t right anymore. We have horrible communication, and so this results in a lot of arguing, or really only ever talking about household things. We feel more like roommates than two people in love. We don’t like to spend our free time together the same way at all; he is always tired and wants to spend weekends on the couch watching football, whereas I love to go workout, be outdoors, take our dog to the dog park, try new restaurants, travel, and live a fulfilling life. We live 5 minutes from NYC and he never wants to do ANYTHING, meanwhile there are so many amazing experiences and restaurants right at our fingertips. I asked him why we even pay such crazy rent to live here if we’re never going to take advantage of it, and he agreed, but mostly said so that his commute is short. In addition, he is very disrespectful to me. He is great about managing our finances and cooks dinner for us, however he does not support me in many ways. I am a very excitable person, however he is dismissive towards me and cuts me off while I am talking because he doesn’t want to listen to what I have to say. He will not agree to do anything with me that he doesn’t want to do; he is extremely selfish. For example, he got mad at me last weekend ON MY BIRTHDAY because we didn’t finish dinner at a restaurant with my parents in time for him to get home to watch football. He never will join me on weekends, so I end up doing things alone so that I don’t spend my weekends on the couch, like I used to with him.
I shared ALL of this with him about two months ago, and he was scared. As usual, he “tried” for about three weeks, and then fell off again because this is simply not who he is. He and I are not compatible or on the same wave-length, and I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him when every day feels so forced vs easy. Things are so much harder than they should be.
On top of it all, throughout this timeline, I met someone else. I have not crossed any lines with this person, as I would never disrespect my fiancé the way he did to me, however I let myself be open to the opportunity just to see if if the type of partner/best friend I’ve been looking for is out there, and this guys turns out to be it, for all that I know. Whether this guy and I eventually end up together or not, I at least got to see that I don’t have to be treated so horribly by someone, and that there are guys out there who I am naturally more compatible with and will treat me with respect. I don’t have to settle.
With less than 10 months until our wedding date, the other night my fiancé asked why I haven’t done any planning, and I told him that it is because I’m not confident he and I should be getting married. I told him that I don’t feel we have a strong, healthy enough relationship to be committing the rest of our lives together, and that I’m not sure what it would take after 7+ years together, or if it’s simply time to recognize we aren’t right together anymore. He disagreed, got angry and stormed out. I suggested counseling, for the 20th time in our relationship, and he completed refuses. I don’t think we are capable of repairing things on our own, and maybe it’s because we shouldn’t be and should finally call it what it is.
I am devastated. I love him, but it’s one of those “love is not enough” things. My family knows everything, and expressed their concerns with me marrying someone who doesn’t treat me well, or like a priority at all. They finally spoke up with their feelings about him and all of the red flags, but won’t tell me what to do because they just want me to be happy, whatever that means.
I feel I know what to do, but am having trouble going through with it. The thought of moving out is TERRIFYING. Rent is SO expensive here, I can;t even afford a studio. I would have to find a random roommate and start over for the first time since college (I used to live alone after college, but haven;t had roommates since). I LOVE his family and am TERRIFIED of breaking their hearts. They are my family. I know these aren;t reasons to stay together, but they are the (wrong) reasons that kept me from leaving him last time when I should have (after he cheated), and are what’s keeping me in things now.
Does anyone have advice about ending an engagement and how to go through with things? I already spoke my mind to him, but now he is ignoring my words and we are living in silence together. How should I go about moving on? Moving out? I love him and don’t want to hurt him, but know that I am hurting him by not being fully in this engagement together, too.
Thank you so, so much for any advice you can give!