(Closed) Ending My Engagement: Need Advice, Support, Strength, and Help!

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

You know what you need/want to do. Break it off and move on.

Post # 3
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

 I’m so sorry, Bee. I understand the fear or “starting over” in your late 20s, but believe me, there are tons of great people going through the same realization right now and leaving relationships that are “fine” in search of a great fit. 

Of everything you said, this stands out to me the most “my gut keeps screaming “NO!”. I can’t think of a clearer sign that you should move on. If you need a way to make it final, give him the ring back. But since he cheated, you’re just as right to go on and sell that thing! Use the money for a getaway or a deposit on your own place. In the meantime, find a way to go stay with family and friends for a little while so you aren’t on edge at home. Recruit them to come over and help you pack your things. 

You’re actually quite lucky to be near NYC, as you have alot of options for short-term leases or communal living, so you can ease your way into an apartment of your own or a place with the right roommate. So many women stay in shitty relationships because they fear the financial repercussions, but you don’t have that holding you back! Check out https://www.common.com, it’s a co-living space where you rent a bedroom but share a living room and kitchen, and I believe they have a gym too. My bff lived here for a few months when she first moved to NYC and absolutely loved it. 

Post # 4
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You are blessed that you figured it out before you take the plunge. He may be upset over it, but keep in mind that the ending of a relatoinship often impacts us like the death of a loved one, he will have to go thorugh all of the stages of grief but will eventully get to acceptance. As far as your family they will be ok, do what is best for you before you say I Do. If you feel that way now, imagine how magnified it will be after the nuptuils and children.

God Bless you and you will be ok, dont be a statistic in marriage be a thriver in marriage and wait for the one that is for you.

Post # 5
76 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
lana0731 :  Oh honey, I am sorry you are going through this. 7 years is a long time, but I know the feeling you are going through – I felt the same with my ex. We never did make it to getting engaged, but I LOVED his family, even though he was explosive and manipulative and just a lazy jerk. The good news is, it gets better. The hardest part for me was confronting him (which sounds like you’ve already done), and telling my family (which you’ve already told yours). From what you’ve written here, you definitely want out. Have you considered writing an email to his family, after you have made your final decision? That’s what I did, after I knew my ex had told them. I said I had hoped they knew how important they were to me, and how they feel like family and were a big part in not wanting to break up at all, but knew that wasn’t fair to either myself nor my ex. They were so kind and loving and understanding, and we do remain in contact to this day, though over time we have not stayed AS close as we were, but that makes sense to me.

Wishing you lots of strength – you are almost there! Stay strong to your convictions. You know what it is you want and what you deserve.

Post # 6
3740 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Just pull off the Band-Aid!! You know what you need to do. It is really hard at first but it does get better. It sounds like the first thing you need to do is secure housing. It’s obvious that you shouldn’t marry him—your guy is telling you what to do. You’re just scared of life without him which is understandable. I’ve been in a similar situation. It was really painful at first but then my life got so much better. 

Post # 7
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

Listen to your gut…98% of the time its right. 

Divorce is a lot of work… so consider this a “saved” marriage. (Panic at the Disco- I Write Sins Not Tragedies..)

Post # 8
7991 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

where do you see yourself in 5 years?  

or  if you stayed in this relationship, how do you think you would feel in 5 years?  resentful? miserable? happy?

i think you know the answer.

Post # 9
2130 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

He’s right about one thing; you should be making plans. Not for a wedding, for a departure.

I think it can be easy to become paralyzed by the enormity of what is in front of you. You’ve lived your life with this person at the center for the last 7 years. Most of your adult life has included him. So, it’s terrifying to realize you have no idea what it might look like without him.

So, instead of focusing on the implications of those changes, or how he might feel about it, or if you think this new person you’ve met is someone who might be in your future – start focusing on practical matters right in front of you. You know this needs to end. Make a list of things you need to do to end it.

You will need a new place to live. You will need a way to get your things moved. You will have to decide who will keep the dog. You should consider finding a counselor for yourself. Even if he won’t join you, it can be incredibly helpful to have some objective support as you make what will no doubt be a major life transition.

When the emotional weight of what you are facing is too much, try to identify the practical things you can do to ensure the outcome you know is best for you both. It can help to calm the panic and guilt you may feel, with the clear reality of what must be done.

This is hard. You are brave and strong enough to do the hard right thing. Don’t let the fact your life has been this way for so long make it mean it has to stay this way forever.

Good luck.

Post # 10
3939 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Just rip the bandaid! You are doing Future You an huuuuuge kindness by ending this relationship. It’ll be hard but may as well do the hard part now, so you can move on to healing and a better future.

When I was going through my divorce, this quote really helped me: “The only way past it is through it.” Just start going! Hugs.  (Oh and I’m a BILLION times happier now despite the heartache at the time!  You will be too!)

Post # 11
515 posts
Busy bee

have everything set up before you drop the bomb. new place, new roomate, savings, etc. be ready to walk out the day you break up.

Post # 12
1033 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I was in a VERY similar situation and thought I’d either marry the cheater or die sad and alone. Stupid, right? Now I’m in a great relationship that is literally perfect. It’s hard to see past this obstacle but believe me, you’re going to be soooo much better off without the cheater. 

The line once a cheater, always a cheater resonated with me. I pictured my future life with the cheater and couldn’t imagine having his kids or questioning who he would be texting for the next 50 years. 

Post # 13
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

I haven’t ended an engagement but I have had a breakup after a four year relationship.  It’s completely normal to be terrified. This is a big life change.  As with any life change, can you break it down into smaller steps to make it less overwhelming?  Think about all the things that are freaking you out and break it down into little, concrete steps.

Post # 14
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your gut is right and you just need to rip the band aid off and do it. I know it’s hard, I really do. But the quicker you do it the easier it will be.

I will caution you will also have to lose his family as well. I’ve gone through this myself and it was harder than the actual break up itself because I LOVED his family, they were my family for almost a decade. But until I cut them out of my life I couldn’t cut him out of my life. A clean break is best.

Post # 15
4517 posts
Honey bee

Don’t be afraid of the future. Think of what could happen if you decide to do this.

Yes it will be a little painful in the short-term (I am in NYC too and I know how hard it is to make it work when single but it’s possible – do whatever you do, in the short-term, to get cheap rent. it’s only a few years!)

You might have 7 years with this guy but with the right guy you could be together for 30 to 50 years!!!! That’s way too long of a future to throw it away on the wrong one.

Imagine someone who goes out with you. Someone who doesn’t cheat. Someone who doesn’t cut you off when you talk. Someone who travels and tries new restaurants. (Girl I found someone like that, my husband is SO fun, they exist!) Someone who doesn’t put football above your birthday (um, hello, priorities).

Take comfort in knowing that others have done this before you. You are not alone.

DO IT DO IT DO IT. And since I’m in NYC DM me if you need emotional support and practical advice.

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