(Closed) Ending My Engagement: Need Advice, Support, Strength, and Help!

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
7802 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“Rip the bandaid” is the perfect metaphor for this. Do it ASAP. But I would be wary about jumping into another relationship. That new guy has rebound written all over him.

Post # 17
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You got this! Your Fiance is sucking the life out of you. Imagine a life where he is not weighing you down with his bullshit all the time. Where you are free to do whatever you please, including dating that guy you have a crush on or anyone else at all. Imagine a birthday where your SO doesn’t get pissed at you cause he misses a bit of his precious football game. Imagine an SO who doesn’t cheat on you.

You can do this bee. I guarantee you, your entire family and close friends are all privately praying that you do this. Do it!!! 

Post # 18
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee

Stop procrastinating! Look for a new apartment NOW!

Post # 19
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I ended an engagement several years ago.   We were less than four months out from the wedding.  He had been physically abusive on several occasions and emotionally/psychologically abusive on many others.  At the time, it felt earth-shattering…I had to leave my home, change my lifestyle pretty significantly, move to a different city, and I lost countless mutual friends.  It also completely disrupted my plans for the future…all the effort I put into planning to buy a house, have children, etc. were suddenly in jeopardy.  It was unequivocally the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  

 

All that said, it was also the BEST decision I ever made.  I met an amazing man shortly after and we’re now planning a wedding.  I thank God every single day that I found the strength to end that toxic relationship.  It’s going to absolutely suck in the short term (there’s no getting around that), but it will be the best decision you ever make.  I promise.  

Post # 20
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

So sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but do you want to spend another 7 years with him? This relationship sounds awful and you don’t sound happy at all.

The whole moving out thing, I know that will be hard living on your own with a rando. But it sounds a lot better than living with the roommate you have now honestly. My friend just moved out of her boyfriends too and is living with a new roommate. She is so much happier. I think you just need to end it and move out as soon as possible. Stay with family or friends until you can find a place.

Post # 21
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

You aren’t going to marry this guy. Get started on the details. Make a list, check things off. It will be crap for a few months. After that it will be awesome. 

Get a place further from the city, read a book on the train for an hour on the way to work. 

If you stay with this guy you are saying you are ok with being treated poorly and being cheated on in the future.  Those aren’t great wedding vows. 

Also, if you have supportive friends/family let them help you out.  Let them support you and make life easier for you. 

Post # 22
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I generally don’t comment on threads like these because I’m not very good at giving advice, however, after reading through your post, I felt compelled to type something. You are strong and clear-headed. You know exactly what it is in the relationship that isn’t working for you. That’s already a huge step towards finding your happiness.

I totally understand how tough and daunting it can be when faced with the problem of having to leave someone you’ve been with for so long, your comfrot zone, plus all the moving and all the other logistics that goes along with breaking up. Try not to think of ALL the things that you’ll need to do though, because that can make it seem like too large of a task and that will cause you to drag your feet. Take small steps, but make sure you ARE moving in that direction of leaving. I love the analogy of someone who’s stuck in the woods. You are the person who’s lost, but you know which direction to go to get out. Even if you just walk one step a day you’ll still make it out sooner or later. But, if you don’t move, you’ll always be stuck.

Just give yourself a small task everyday that’ll point you in the right direction. Like, just start looking at apartments for now and only focus on that one thing. Small steps will still eventually get you out the door and towards your new life. You might find that once you start taking little steps in the direction of leaving, you’ll gain some momentum and be able to get everything done sooner than you think. And like other Bees have said, you’ll have the support of your friends and family.

And while this new guy may or may not be the right one, imagine all the opportunities you’re passing up because you’re still stuck with your no-longer compatible fiancé. You deserve to be with someone who’s on the same wave-length and share the same interests as you. I know it’s hard right now, but as the saying goes “this too shall pass.” Years down the road when you look back, this will just be a little blip and all the trouble now will be worth it!smile

Post # 23
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Reading your story, I knew I had to leave my (first) comment. I haven’t broken off an engagement, but I broke up with my boyfriend of three years a little over a year ago. We lived together (after he moved to end our long-distance relationship). I was feeling SO MANY of the things you mentioned. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was also one of the best things I’ve ever done. Starting over sucks, but I have not regretted my decision for one minute. I had considered breaking up with him for quite a while, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I finally was able to go through with it when I told my mom and a few close girlfriends what I was planning, and that made me feel like I had to go through with it.

Also, I shortly thereafter met the most amazing man, and I know with 100% certainty that he is the man for me. Keep your chin up! You know what you need to do. And your future self will thank you for it.

Post # 24
Member
2072 posts
Buzzing bee

Start working on figuring out living arrangements and cancel the wedding venue.  This is your one life to live!

Post # 25
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I am sorry you have to go through this 🙁 Please know what I say next is not meant to be mean.

In my opinion, allowing him (and his family) to believe you are a path to marriage and commitent is just as bad as him cheating on you. I know this is hard, but if you are not ready to get married you need to be honest and tell him. If you respect yourself, and respect him, it has to be done. Compose heartfelt letters to his family and explain if it is important to you. 

Also recommend getting custody of the dog, if you are the one making it outdoors 🙂

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