- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
I’ve just gotten engaged and whilst I am so happy, it seems that not everyone can be happy for me and I need some advice.
My sister is three years younger than I am and as children we were always fighting, but always there for each other. A few years ago my sister had drifted away from her highschool friends and moved to the city in which I lived, with my father when he moved for work. During this time we became closer and my sister started seeing a new guy. I was shocked when she became engaged after a year with him, but happily celebrated with her. I commiserated with her when she needed to move their date back by a few years for financial reasons and over the past three years of their engagement I’ve been completely on board, listening to her plans, helping where I can (she’s really rather independent and organised, doesn’t need or want much help.)
Four weeks ago, whilst on holidays in Paris my wonderful partner proposed and I couldn’t wait to get home and celebrate with my family. FI’s family were with us in Paris and couldn’t have been more supportive or happy for us.
When choosing a date we needed to take into consideration FI’s family who will be travelling from the UK to Australia and need a lot of notice. FI’s family are teachers and doctors who have very specific times that they can be away from work. We always travel with them in July and visit in July as it’s the only mutually convenient time for us to meet up. Not wanting a long engagement and knowing that our bestman is already travelling to our country for another wedding, we decided that we’d like to set our wedding for a year after our engagement, July 2014.
Before announcing our date I said to Fiance that I would like to discuss it with my sister first. Her wedding is set for November 2014 and I didn’t want her to feel like we we’re getting in the way of her day. I told both of my parents that Fiance and I would not like money from them as they will already be paying for my sister’s wedding and I didn’t want to put that burden on them when we can pay for our own wedding and I also decided that I would forego a bridal shower with our family so that my sister won’t feel like she is being forced to do it the second time around.
Fiance and I sat down with my sister to tell her our reasons for wanting to get married before her namely:
– For the convenience of FI’s family and friends travelling from OS.
-To save money as we will also be having a small reception in FI’s hometown in Scotland.
-Because my Scottish grandparents will be travelling to Scotland at that time and I would love to celebrate our marriage with them in their home country when we have our second small reception.
I prefaced all of this by telling my sister that I would do everything I could to make sure our wedding did not get in the way of theirs, but if we couldn’t do that then we wouldn’t get married before her.
My friends and Fiance suggested I was giving her too much power and in hindsight, I can only assume that they were right.
My sister did not answer us and I told her to take some time to think about it. She then asked me who my Maid/Matron of Honor would be. I told her that I didn’t want to choose between her and my two closest friends and that I would not select a maid of honour, because they were all too important to me.
She was quite cold for the rest of the night, but still polite. The next day she called and informed me that ‘I cannot make decisions about your wedding. That is your call.’
I asked her to talk to me about it and she responded by telling me ‘You know you’re doing the wrong thing, and you want me to tell you that it’s okay for you to do this. It’s not and I won’t.’
I became so upset at her reaction which I hadn’t expected and her response which was so far from what I had intended to do. We began arguing and she expressed that she was upset that I hadn’t chose her as a Maid of Honour as we had always promised each other we would be each other’s Maid/Matron of Honor. This is not true, as we were never close in the past, but she couldn’t see that I had not chosen a Maid/Matron of Honor to avoid this exact fight.
My sister then dropped the bombshell that she would not be in my wedding at all and that I was no longer invited to be a part of hers and that because of all the stress she had been caused she was cancelling the whole wedding party and that neither she or her Fiance would have any attendants because they wanted their wedding to be about them.
I lost my temper and told her at that point that she would not be welcome at my wedding. I was just so hurt and frustrated that my sister couldn’t see I’d been trying to put her first, not undermine her.
A few hours later she texted me to say that she would like to talk to me again and that she felt we had grown apart as sister’s and that we had to accept the fact that we were no longer close and would no longer share a close relationship but that she would still like me to attend her wedding.
I decided to wait a week before calling her, forgetting that it was her FI’s birthday I attempted to call her a week ago and got no response. I then remember it was his birthday and sent a message of apology telling her that we could speak another day and to enjoy her FI’s birthday. I also sent a message to her Fiance. She rang me to tell me she wasn’t ignoring me and I felt hopeful.
Yesterday I decided to include her in a group message on facebook about dress shopping I was sending to my other bridesmaids in the hopes that she would realise I still wanted her to be a part of my wedding. This was when I realised that in the past few hours she and her Fiance had deleted my Fiance and I from facebook and anyone that was associated with me. Friends of mine that she had known for many years.
I really feel that my sister is trying to make me so miserable I give in to her and make her Maid/Matron of Honor and move our wedding date and part of me wants to, just to avoid all the drama, but I can’t do that to Fiance and his family who are so wonderful and supportive .
Any advice from bees would be greatly appreciated.