(Closed) Ending our relationship as sisters over wedding dates! (long and rambly)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think your sister is ridiculous for expecting you to arrange your wedding date around her…but honestly it sounds more like she’s upset at not being your Maid/Matron of Honor. And I kinda sympathize with her there. She’s your only sister. You really don’t want her up there with you when you make this major, public commitment?

It sounds like you went about this in a rather brusque way. The fact that you and your Fiance had this big conversation with her probably put her on the defensive, like you were expecting drama from her. You both need to apologize and move on. You’ll need support – especially when it comes to more tertiary family drama (and there always is some) and your sister will be able to help with that better than anyone. And when you apologize, don’t bring up the ‘I want you at the wedding but not in the bridal party.’ That will be really embarrassing for your sister to just be a guest; it’s basically you announcing to all your friends and family that she is not that important to you. You can get away doing that with cousins or stepsisters, but not your blood siblings. My advice: ask her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. It’s just a title and your friends will understand.

Post # 18
Member
14139 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I have to admit, I don’t understand the Maid/Matron of Honor thing and “not being able to choose” between your sister and your two best friends. Even if you are not as close as you would like to be right now, if you wanted her in the party at all, and  you only have one sister, why wouldn’t you make her MOH?   Your friends would certainly get  that.  It’s not like choosing between the two of them.   I don’t see Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man as much different as far as duties, in any case, but to me, family would come first. 

In an ideal world your sister would have been logical about this. It’s not right and it’s not necessarily fair or justifiable, but her fear is she really doesn’t know how it may affect her or if it would. The truth is , you can’t really know either.  Attendance is  one issue.  And since gifts are at the discretion of the guests,  people may feel they are not going to give your sister a wedding gift and not you.

I’m not saying those things are valid excuses.  They are not. But she can’t give you her reasons because 1) there’s no way to know if this would affect her short of serting up two alternate universes  2) on some level she knows she’s out of line and can’t ask, but was hoping this would come from you.

I think you go back and try to work this out when cooler heads prevail.  Being that you are in this position, it might be a nice gesture to offer her Maid/Matron of Honor as an olive branch.

Post # 19
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I know this must be really hard but from her point of view I would feel upset that you were getting married first, This would be a completely irrational and unfair way to feel but it wouldn’t change me feeling like that. Maybe try to see that from her perspective, she probably is full of worry and stress and regret that she couldn’t marry sooner, that you’ll get to be the fresh new one and she will be second etc. In the long run these are all vain and silly things to worry about but, if she is feeling like this,  they are real feelings to her and she will be lashing out etc.

 

I guess you have to decide what’s more important in all of this. I hope in the long run you choose your sister but only you will know the right thing to do. I don’t have a sister so in the same situation I couldn’t know what I’d do. 

Post # 20
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@secretkeeper22:  Can you give me an explicit comment she made about the date of your wedding?  Because all I see is that she’s offended to not be your Maid/Matron of Honor.  Even the “it’s wrong comment” can be attributed to that.

I’m 3 years older than my sister.  If she did not make me Maid/Matron of Honor, I would be offended too.  But in my family, sisters/brothers are always MOH/BM (best men).  Otherwise, they’re estranged.  It’s just one of those things.  Close friends are close friends, and  maybe they’ll be close friends for a while, or just for a short time.  But my sister will always be my sister.

I think this escalated quickly.  I’d give it a few days to cool off, then open up communication in person if possible.

Post # 21
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Would it kill you to make your sister MOH? She is your SISTER, not just a friend. That seems like an easy decision to make and I can’t imagine anyone being upset about that- she’s the natural choice!  Also, 3 months between sisters getting married is pretty close. Many guests will be overlapping, and many may not be able to attend both weddings. Even if your parents aren’t paying for the wedding, it’s still a burden on any guests who need to travel. I think you both are being immature and should have a discussion in person to sort this out. It is a tough situation- i get that! My little sister set her date in the same month I wanted to get married, so I changed our wedding to 6 months later to minimize the burden on our family. Good luck!

Post # 22
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

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@secretkeeper22:  I think both of you just need to meet up and talk and stop getting so dramatic over the little things. I understand why your sis is upset but I also see you making a huge effort to make it right but I also see how that can be seen as patronising … like …. oh, let mum and dad pay for their poor wedding we have the money. At the same time complete childish reaction from your sister. 

Ignore the FB thing and push to meet up and talk. I disagree with your Fiance and friends about you giving her too much power …I think Id meet up with her and ask her what she wanted you to do apart from move the date and see if you can meet those requests. If not, tell her no there and then and suggest a compromise. 

Post # 23
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

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@secretkeeper22:  personally, i’d elope,   and if she doesn’t want to be a part of it, fine, let her do her own thing. either she’ll come round, or she won’t. life is too short to stress over things you can’t change. let her cool her heels and think things over. patience to the spider.

Post # 24
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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@paula1248:  Second this. Also, I think it’s a bad idea to write a letter. Words can be so easily misinterpreted in print. 

You decided to not have a maid of honor. Your sister decided not to have bridal attendants. Both decisions are fine.

Post # 25
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@secretkeeper22:  I’m really sorry about this whole situation. I think you both probably need a bit of time to cool off before trying to mend things. Plus, it will give you both time to think about and reflect on what is actually important here: a wedding (which lasts one day) or a relationship with one another.

Your sister did overreact pretty badly. It sounds like you and your Fiance went out of your way to try and accomodate her plans and make them feel comfortable with everything. That said, I’m also trying to see her point of view as well: that she’s been engaged for over 3 years now, is probably having a mini-freakout thinking that people will have to choose between weddings, and is probably sick of seeing other people get engaged and married before her. That isn’t your fault, but it does make her reaction a little easier to understand.

I also agree with other posters that she might be more upset over the fact that you didn’t ask her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. You had a very good reason (in my opinion) for not asking, but maybe if you offer some sort of compromise it might help; for instance, offer to let her be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but let her stand closest to you on the altar and let her do something else that a Maid/Matron of Honor would traditionally do. It could help show that you love her and want to do something to show that at one of the most important days of your life.

I think both of you probably said some stuff that you regret now and reacted in ways you wish you hadn’t. You can’t change what happened, but you can change the way you react and try to find a way to smooth things over. Even if she doesn’t come around and you guys never speak again, at least you can hold your head high and say that you made the effort.

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@MrsSaber:  +1 Definitely talk it out!!!!

Post # 26
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Here’s the thing. If I were your sister, the part of this that would really piss me off is you saying to me “if you can give me a good reason, we’ll postpone”, and then when I tell you my reason you deem it not good enough,  and go on your merry way. You had clearly already decided what you were doing, and I think it was really disingenuous to say you’d be open to change it when you knew you wouldn’t.  I am on your side, and think three months is fine fwiw, but I would have  been pissed off at your approach. 

Post # 27
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2010

 She waited 3 yearss for her wedding and you can’t postpone yours? Why? This is so sad. your wedding shouldn’t come before your sister…

Post # 28
Member
472 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@billie212:  I kind of agree.

 

 

 

I know it’s not supposed to be about having a monopoly on a certain time to get married, but I get where she’s coming from. She’s been planning her wedding for three years. You’ve known when she was getting married for a long time. So, why not avoid all the drama and pick another time if you’re able to do so? You also shouldn’t have posed the option to move your date if you weren’t truly willing to do so.

 

She definitely isn’t an innocent participant, both of you are wrong. 

 

I guess I side with her because my SIL decided to plan their big wedding vow renerwal around the same time of my wedding.

 

I also have to ask, has there ever been weird competition with you two before this? Has she ever felt like you were the more favored sister?

 

I see where she also feels hurt by not being a Maid/Matron of Honor. 

 

I’m sure there’s a whole lot of backstory that none of us know about. Relationships between family members are complicated and some people can hold on to old hurt from growing up together.

 

 

 

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