(Closed) Endless confusion.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I know how you feel, however, your deadline has not passed yet. He may be just trying to throw you off! My Fiance would keep giving me timelines that were never true and that’s what upset me.  Try and wait patiently until the end of the year (I know it’s hard!!) and then if it doesn’t happen, have a calm conversation with him. Fingers crossed for you!

Post # 4
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@newcitylights:  He’s not being too nice about it, but on the flip side, maybe he’s resenting you because you gave him the end of year deadline. I don’t know.

I would try to stop thinking about it if you possibly can, and wait until the end of the year. If the deadline passes and he is indeed messing with you, I would seriously re-evaluate the relationship. Doing this sorta thing when he knows how badly you want to be engaged is just cruel.

Post # 5
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@newcitylights:  Based on his playful tone in which he’s saying these things, it sounds like he’s just teasing you and trying to throw you off. Be patient. The year is not over yet.

Post # 6
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@newcitylights:  I completely feel you, because I went through this myself!

It sounds like your SO is working hard to make it happen…and he’s also working hard to keep you completely in the dark!  🙂

My Fiance didn’t make the end of the year deadline…and then, three months later, he didn’t make the before-he-moved-1200-miles-away-for-a-new-job deadline.  I was crushed.  However, he did finally propose 5 months after the original deadline.  And while I’m shocked at the fact that I didn’t spontaneously combust during this time (I was not a patiently waiting bee…), the moment was still wonderful and the most amazing wave of relief poured over me.

It’s obvious you and your SO have a pretty open relationship in regards to your future.  Take deep breaths and think of how this all will be told to your grandchildren: “…and so your grandpa had to wait for someone to buy his kidney over the INTERNET just to buy the most beautiful and worthy ring for your grandmother!” 😉

Post # 7
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MrsWishyWashy:   This what I’m thinking… Throwing out things that are way off track.

Post # 8
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee

@canarydiamond:  

 Doing this sorta thing when he knows how badly you want to be engaged is just cruel.

 

ITA with this. And I would tell him so in plain language — not with tears or anger, just in plain English I would let him know that you do not think this is funny at all, and you would appreciate it if he would knock it off. It’s OK to let him know if you are hurting.

So sorry you’re dealing with this!

If New Year’s Eve comes and goes with no ring and no proposal, I would exit the relationship within 60 seconds of the clock striking midnight. Even if you’re in the middle of some party or celebration — I would just hand him my glass of champagne, tell him the deal is off, and walk out — but that’s just me. I have zero patience for this kind of thing and don’t take kindly to people “teasing” and “playing” about things that are deeply and painfully important to me.

If it turns out that he really was planning to get the ring in January or February — if it turns out that he really intended to propose — then let him scramble to figure out how to backpeddle and clean up the mess he made after breaking his promise. In other words: if he truly loves you and it was meant to be, he will make it happen. If he did let you get away, then he never loved you enough and you’ll have your answer.

OP, I really hope he steps up and this all works out, and in a few weeks you will be posting pics about your happy ending and your beautiful ring! But in the meantime, seriously, do let him know that he needs to re-think the ring jokes. Not funny!

Post # 9
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

I’m not saying that this doesn’t suck, because it does.  It’s hard to say whether he is trying to throw you off his path, because although that is an option it sounds to me more likely that he really might not make it.  I think that your SO, knowing how much this means to you, should have given you a realistic timeline for when he can make this happen.  I think to miss a deadline he agreed on is pretty terrible.

But.  I don’t think he is doing this intentionally.  He might not be able to help it and could be just as crushed knowing that he can’t propose with the ring he wants to give you.  He’s told you a couple times that he is having issues with the finances.  Sure, they were jokes, but money is a tricky thing and I think he is telling you he can’t afford it in his own way.  It sounds to me like when he proposes will depend on when he can get the money together for it.  Correct me if I’m wrong, though.  This is just what I thought reading through your post.

I do hope that he is just trying to distract you, though.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Post # 10
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@BelliniChic:  I am with you on this.

I know every ones relationships are different, but I have no time for people giving a timeline and then changing it. I also do not like to be teased about something I am passionate about.

 

Post # 11
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

I think you need to communicate with him clearly and rationally about how his comments make you feel.

 

Back when my SO first decided to start saving up for a ring he went around telling all his friends that he was going to be saving up for a ring because he knew the moment he met me that I was “The One”.  That was great, but he didn’t actually put any money into savings for the ring.  Each time he told someone it hurt more and more because all these people thought he was saving up for a ring when he wasn’t and my hopes were dashed each time.  Well I finally sat him down and communicated to him that when he says he is saving and he’s not saving…. it’s sort of heartbreaking.  He immediately jumped up from where he was sitting and put $200 in a cup on our fridge to start the savings process. 

 

You need to make sure you communicate with him because he might not realize that his words are creating heartbreak in you.  I’m sure if he knew how much it hurt you he’d be severely mad at himself for hurting you like that.

Post # 12
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

@newcitylights:  *HUGS* and yes it totally sucks! I was given a timeline thats so damn far away that have quite a while before I hit this stage, believe me SO & I have blowouts about the topic roughly every 4 months or so, that how long I can keep it zipped until I burst again.

A very important conclusion we came to during the last round was that it was important for me to respect that he wanted to marry me, he was going to marry me, and that it would happen when he was 100% ready for it to happen. AND that it was just as important for him to respect that while our relationship is so awesome and perfect as is (not married), that marriage is important, very important, to me, even if he doesnt see it in the same way. 

It wasnt exactly the conclusion I wanted, (I still wanted a propsal the next stinkin day haha) but it was a big step in understanding and accepting what is important to the both of us, I need to respect what he wants just as much as he needs to respect AND BE MINDFUL of what I want.

As far as the ‘teasing’- not cool, but he may not see it the in the same ‘teasing’ way that you do. this could just be his way of discussing the topic with you, my SO told me he never brought it up because he didnt want me to get upset or give me the impression that it was coming sooner than he was really planning. Which was very true- any word wedding related that he spoke would throw me into a crazed engagement mania mind state. Maybe his ‘teasing’ is the only way he feels comfortable saying things or prying a little to see more details of what you want without giving anything away.

who knows, if we all knew what was running through SO’s heads we wouldnt be here desperatly seeking answers for the unknown. All we can do is offer some insight and support to our fellow Bees!!

Post # 14
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m hoping he is just trying to throw you off about when it will happen.  It sounds like surprising you is really important to him so he doesn’t want you to guess when it will happen.  From your talk he knows how badly you want the proposal done soon – so he would be an idiot to drag it out longer.  I would try to keep calm and just think he was trying to make it a surprise.  One of my good friends just got engaged yesterday and her man swore up and down that he couldn’t afford a ring until February – you might be in the same situation!

Post # 16
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@newcitylights:  i know this is hard. maybe this sounds simplistic, but was there ever a time in your life when you looked forward and wished so hard for someone to fall in love with? when you thought there would never be the right guy for you? I’m guessing that you felt that way at some time…and i’m guessing that point of view might help you enjoy the fact that he has assured you point blank that he will buy the ring, he has a month picked out, and you will end up marrying him. and all of those things are great. i know that you wish he’d already planned this out, but it could still work out great and by the end of the year, and you’ll enjoy it so much more if you don’t focus on it! if that does not happen, then cross that bridge when you come to it.

ETA- I’m not saying that you should abndon your deadline AT ALL. I’m a huge fan of deadlines. But I’m a fan of them because they helped me to not worry as much! So that’s what I hope for for you.

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