- 4 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
My ex-fiance and I dated for 4 years and then were engaged last Novemeber. We had always had our ups and downs but always managed to stay together. A source of contension we always had was he was really into tournament fishing. We had often fought over the time and money he spent on it. Right before we got engaged we compromised and he agreed to do it no more than 2 weekends a month after we married. After that we never really fought. Well a few months later his family(who is huge outdoors, hunter-type) started telling him he needed to be available all weekends( and I mean ALL weekend), which leaves no time for us. He began acting more controlling telling me he needs to do it every weekend to succeed, and I needed to support that because its important to him. We went round and round abut it, and he just became really rude and condescending about it. WHich he had never been that way before. I then found out his mom had been not very supportive of us getting married, and kept telling him to wait a few more years and to pursue his dream and then marry later in life. She had never been crazy about me as i have serious health problems( I have an immune disease and am off and on chemo when it flares) and she worried it was too much for her baby to deal with. He had always defended me and wanted to help me when I was sick, and had assured his parents that I was what he wanted, and he was willing to deal with my health.
Well she began using this fishing and my concerns of it taking too much time as a way to make him think we were too different. He had always been the more affectionate one, and most committed in our relationship. I had worried about our differnces and what we wanted in life, and when we fought it worried me but he always thought if we were willing we could work through anything. Well we had a huge fight about this fishing a few months after getting engaged. We went round and round, and he for the first time started saying maybe we were too different. We went back and forth and I had it out with his mom about her always encouraging him to only follow his dream and telling him to wait to marry me. Well that did it, she finally told him not to marry me at all, that I would never support him.He tried to play it down what she said, and said she would never influence him in our relationship. We fought terribly for a week and finally decided to break our engagement (after he admitted he didn’t think he was ready). He said he still wanted us to be together, just as boyfriend and girlfriend again, without the pressure of being engaged, and just date another year or so before planning our wedding, and being engaged again. Well I agreed to this but after it actually happened, and I gave back the ring, I just almost hated him. I felt he took everything that was important to me ( I had been so excited about getting married and planning the wedding), and selfishly had everything his way. I felt he or his family never thought of what I wanted at all. SO I told him it was over and that I didnt want anything to do with him. He was devastated and told me if he had known I would break up he would have never broke the engagement. We were both hurt at the other. He felt I mislead him telling him we could stay together, and I felt betrayed because he admitted he wasnt ready to be engaged and had wanted to wait to propose but he knew how much I wanted it. So I felt the engagement was a fraud, and felt so foolish. That day we both agreed we needed a couple of weeks to cool off and think things though. But once we talked we were both still mad but would still talk some. We finally met and had a long talk and he told me he had never been so ashamed of himself than when he broke the engagement and took my ring back. He begged me to forgive him and get back together. I agreed to see him some but I needed time, and I wanted to date some while I decided what I wanted. He patiently waited for 3 months, taking me out some and went back to being his sweet self. But I just couldn’t get over that he ended our engagement and had been swayed my his mom. I just didnt feel the same anymore. Then he asked me out again and we kinda got into it again as we talked for the first time again about the fishing. He said how he cared about me so much, but I should not try to tell him what to do with his time, and that we had nothing to talk about if I thought otherwise. I was so mad, the fishing yet again, and told him so. He backtracked, wanting to talk, but wouldn’t let up about he should be able to do what he wanted with his time. We then went over a month with out any contact. At first I was so glad he wasn’t bothering me because before he always was begging for another chance. But after a few weeks, and dating several guys I really missed him. I realized how much I realy did love him, and was willing to work with him on the fishing. So I texted him, and he said he was finally moving on.
I was devastaed then. We talked quite a bit but he was firm that he now needed time to think, and he was afraid our differnces were to much. So I wrote him a long letter teling him how much I loved him, and left him alone for another month. Out of the blue a friend of ours texted me about a party and that my ex had mentioned maybe I would go with them. SO I was like yeah I will go! Then that weekend we both were at a concert later and he saw a facebook post i had about being there. He texted me that he was there too, and asked if I wanted to meet. We did and had a awesome time. Stayed out all night and ended up sleeping together. I assumed we were back together, well the next day he said he was still confused and apologized for what happened. He then said maybe not a good idea to go to our friends party that next weekend. I got mad since he had asked me to do all this stuff, and he apologized and told me to go ahead and go, that he just didn’t wnat me feeling he led me on. So we go that next weekend and he totally acts like we are a couple again. Arm constantly around me, kissing me, never leaves my side. That night we have a long talk and he says he afraid of getting hurt again and he guesses we can start to hang out but is not ready to jump back into a commitment. So I say fine. Well he makes a plan with me for the next weekend, (and tells me he may have some work to get done if he can’t finish it earlier. So at the last minute he calls saying he cant make it. So the next day i talk with him about how he has to make up his mind to try or not. He keeps saying part of him thinks we are right for each other and part of him doesn;t. He keeps talking to me daily but making no plans to see each other. after 2 more weeks I told him I can’t handle us just talking, that it gets my hopes up and im let down over and over. So I told him not to text me anymore if he had no intentions of us getting together. So he acts all sad saying he cares deeply for me, and he just can;t see me because he falls for me everytime he does, and can’t think. And that he has to figure out what is best for us both. He said he thinks maybe we will both be happy with other ppl, and that he never really thinks he made me happy. After this conversation I left him alone. It was 2 months ago. I have read back through our texts and he repeatedly said he didn’t think he made me happy. He did make me happy, I love him dearly, and want him back so bad. He wrote me a happy birthday note a month ago and said he thought of me all the time, but after that message did not write again. My mom ran into him and he told her the same thing about he felt maybe there was someone out there for both of us that would make us happier. And that he felt I would be happier without him. He told her he was moving on and although he hadn’t met anyone, he wanted to try, and that if maybe in a year or so if neither of us had someone in our lives then we it would work to try again. He has not dated in months, and is making no attempt. i want so much to tell him again how much I love him, and want him. But I already have and I don’t want to push it. I really think he just thinks I wouldnt be happy with him. I am willing to deal with whatever just to have him back. I have dated a ton and no one remotely compares to him. I do think he needs to learn to compromise better, and I think once we are married, just those responsibilies of home ownership and family will keep him at home more, because he is not one to shirk responsibility. Should I give it more time, or try talking to him? Does it sound like he just wants to move on and I need to leave him alone?