(Closed) engaged & fighing

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Have you gone to any pre-marital counseling?

That might help a bit.

Also, what sorts of things is he complaining about that he wasn’t before? Did anything else change immediately after your engagment? 

Post # 4
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I became this way after becoming engaged to Fiance. Our relationship pre-engagement was fantastic, but as soon as the wedding planning began it really sunk in that I was going to be spending the rest of my life with this person. I became very nit-picky with him and criticizing everything he did which made me short with him and just bitchy all the time. In the end, I had to learn to relax and not be scared. I needed to accept him for who he was, flaws and all. I started reading a ton of books on marriage and finally got myself and my feelings sorted out.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. My point is that engagements are SUPER stressful on SO many levels, and maybe this is just his way of manifesting that stress. If I were you I would sit down and have a talk with him. Ask him what is going on. You two need to be on the same page before you can procede. If you are still on the same page, maybe some books or workbooks can help you out and/or pre-marital counseling.

Good luck! You are not alone!

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@courtney48: So you went from dating to:

Moving home (same home or different homes, did you live together before?)

Planning a wedding

Buying a house

 

Those are massive stressors for both of you. If you lived together before and don’t now, is it hard to find time to talk normally?

What does he say is “annoying” about you? When does he tend to get upset?

Post # 10
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

This is kind of going to suck (what I’m about to say), but I’d encourage you to ask him if he still wants to get married.  There could be a lot going on in his head, but for him to just say you are annoying and get on his nerves and not take any responsibility for what he might be doing to contribute to the negativity in your relationship is not a very healthy way of going about things.  And, once you are married, it’s likely that all those feelings will be even greater – hence the need to build a foundation of being able to talk about things.  

You are not alone in how you feel, but you definitely need to talk to him about it and let him know how his attitude and actions are affecting you.  You won’t really know what’s going on with him until he figures it out and communicates it with you.  

I hope you guys can talk or seek the help of someone to help you guys get to the root of the issue(s).

Post # 11
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have felt this way about Fiance lately. We are building a house and planning a wedding and it is so stressful. I find myself getting upset about everything he does! I think it is because of the stress. I think many couples go through it.

Post # 12
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

honestly, for us right away it was fine… then… i thinnk my mindset changed… instead of “waiting and waiting for it to FINALLY happen” it had happened!  I was the one getting annoyed. I never told him though, and it past after a few weeks. I was having strange thoughts though and I am glad I never said anything. 

Then. He lost his job. and he FREAKED out because he couldnt support me and how could he possibly marry me and start a family if he couldnt support us.. and woah that almost went off the deep end. 

I convinced him that it doesnt matter that I am there with him through the good times/bad times rich or poor.  Even with his crazy talk those few days I played along. (he was going coookcoo seriously)

Since then, I think I made him realize that in the bad times of marriage I wasnt going to just give up, and that I knew there would be rough patches and I have even overheard him tell his friends that he knows in his heart we are stronger now.

So even if you are fighting, be strong if you know he is the one. Be there for him and realize you are not two now you are one. because there will be things that both need to adjust moving in with eachother. 

I hope everything turns out okay with you guys! he may just be nervous and adjusting!

Post # 13
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

We fought more right before the wedding, I think mainly due to stress. Make sure you are doing fun things together as a couple that are not wedding or house related. Also make sure you are doing non-wedding related things for fun on your own as well… you very well may need a little bit more space. Do you have friends where you are living now? Can you plan some girls’ nights?

If the problems are related to larger issues, such as money management, etc., then I think pre-marital counseling might help you work through these issues more quickly – would he be open to that?

Post # 14
Member
3963 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@oracle: I couldn’t agree more.

I think you just need to take a step back and have a talk.  There’s loads of stuff going on at the moment and I think that if you take a moment to enjoy your relationship without the stress of the wedding and buying a house you’ll both feel much better.  Maybe have a date night, but go out and have a change of scenery.  Maybe you could set forfits for mentioning stressful topics.  It could be fun.

Post # 15
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@courtney48: If you go from seeing eachother all the time to not living together it can be very hard to strike a good balance between being needy and clingy and totally absent. You cannot expect to spend as much time with him now as you did when living together purely because you no longer live together.

Also, I’m not sure what your Fiance is like, but some men are not good phone people. Also, my Fiance would get annoyed with me when I’d randomly mention things he needed to do. He very much prefered when I put it all down in a list and then left well enough alone. 

Also, think about when you are asking him about things/asking him to do things. If you are on the phone falling asleep and you start asking him “did you do this, did you do this, did you do this” etc he may get annoyed because as you are falling asleep is not the best time to be reminded of your “to do” list because by the morning it’ll be forgotton again.

Post # 16
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’ve had the same thing, Courtney, and it’s been freaking me out.  It comes and goes, but it’s not pleasant to feel suddenly criticized by your future husband.  I think the idea of spending some time doing your own thing is really important – it seems to happen more when we’re together 24/7.  But more than that, he has to come to understand that you’re not perfect and never will be, and generally accept you as you are.  I learned to accept my FI’s faults a couple years ago, but he’s just hitting against this now.

The topic ‘engaged & fighing’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors