Post # 1
My boyfriend and I just got engaged on Saturday. I’m thrilled– we’ve been together for almost four years, and have known for a long time that we wanted to spend our lives together, but formalizing it just makes it even more exciting.
So why I am posting? Well, my older sister – 5 years older than me – didn’t seem 100% thrilled when I called to tell her about it. She is also expecting to get engaged rather soon– her boyfriend is actually planning to propose over the holidays. My boyfriend (now fiance!) and I knew about this plan, but we decided to go ahead with getting engaged regardless of their plans, because we love each other and have been talking about this for a very long time. Bottom line: giving my fiance the OK to propose was very difficult, because I was worried my sister would react negatively regardless of whether it happened before or after she got engaged.
So, I told her about the engagement, and one of the first things she said was, “Wow. Erik (her boyfriend) is going to be so mad that you guys beat us!” She then proceeded to congratulate me, but followed it up with, “Don’t get married next Christmas, because that’s when we want to get married!” Yikes. She also asked me to send her a picture of the ring, which I did, and she didn’t respond to it. This is just in general not the reaction I was hoping for. I understand perhaps her being a bit internally bummed that she isn’t engaged yet, but at the same time, I wish that she could be a bit more excited for me. I also think it would be quite fun to be planning weddings at the same time, but I’m not sure what she thinks of that… I’m not the type of person to want a lot of attention (in fact, I haven’t even told a lot of my friends about the engagement yet because I’m nervous about all of the attention) so I don’t see how my sister could be worried that I would somehow steal the thunder.
We’ll be spending Thanksgiving together, so now I’m worried that this will all explode in my face. Any advice for how to deal with this? Ideally I’d like to talk to her alone so that maybe we can discuss things and tell eachother how we’re feeling. Good idea? Bad idea?
Post # 3
Aw. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re very very sweet for wanting to share it all with her. I’m sure she’ll be ahppier for you once she is engaged too
Congrats and don’t let anyone ruin it for you.
Post # 4
I don’t get what you are having to “hash out”.. She should be excited for you just the same as you are going to be excited for her.
I don’t have any sisters so maybe I don’t understand the whole jealousy thing but since when are you allowed to claim wedding dates/seasons before you are even engaged. Seems silly to me.
I guess I probably would just wait and see how she acts over Thanksgiving.. She is probably just a little bummed right now so maybe after he proposes she will lighten up?
Post # 5
sounds like your heart is in the right place – give her time to process and hopefully she will come around. i would def talk to her one on one if it makes either of you feel better.
Congrats to you and your FI! so exciting!
Post # 6
well if you dont want the attention from it then i wouldnt talk about it. If she tried to bring up your wedding plans just deflect it and be like oh we havent even thought about it-what about you? do you think he will propose soon? i understand why her feelings are hurt but give her time to come around and she will be happy for you. It’s probably just a little “salt in the wound” right now. So give her some time.
But tell her what you said to us. That once she gets engaged that you think it would be so fun to go to wedding shows together and plan and bounce ideas off each other. I think once she is engaged and starts planning she will enjoy doing it with you.
I just wouldnt make a big deal about your engagement in front of her and it sounds like you wouldnt anyways. But dont let it bother you too much. This is a very happy time for you-so dont hide your excitment either! Congrats!
Post # 7
@TerraMarie11: About “hashing out” – I now changed that in my original post to “discuss.” I just meant that perhaps it would be good to talk more about it so that we don’t feel lingering anger toward each other or anxiety. I, for one, feel awful when I’m in a fight or not getting along with my sister, so I really dislike being in a situation where I don’t feel like things are out in the open.
Post # 8
Agree. Give her time maybe once it happens to her she’ll see how silly she’s being. Keep her updated but don’t have the engagement be all you talk about around her if it’s a painful subject.
Post # 9
I think you should tell her exactly what you told us!
You don’t want to take away from her day, you want to add to it!
Hopefully she will be more open when she doesn’t think she is going to be competing with you.
Post # 10
She’ll come around. As I’m sure you know, sisters are like that sometimes. I stil remember my little sister’s less than stellar reaction when I told her I got engaged–she said, “So you’re telling me you can shack up and be a little whore and STILL get a ring?!” She thought she was being funny, I thought what she said was beyond uncalled for. She was still my Maid/Matron of Honor and I was hers in her wedding 10 months later. Sisters get jealous and say weird things, but we always come around. Best wishes to you and enjoy this moment, your sister is happy for you, trust me 🙂
Post # 11
As long as you can understand where she’s coming from, I’m sure it will be alright. I don’t have any sisters, but I could see being a little upset if my much-younger sister got engaged before me. I’m not sure talking about it will help though – it’s sort of like just rubbing it in more. I’d just wait for her to get engaged and THEN start talking about how much fun it will be to plan together and stuff. She’ll get so into the excitement of getting married, I’m sure all hard feeling will be left behind.
Post # 12
@LeandraM: First of all CONGRATULATIONS! Secondly, while I appreciate you wanting to get this out in the open, I don’t think you need to have a discussion with your sister at this time, and especially at Thanksgiving where it is difficult enough to plan a feast with many different personalities gathering. I think you should go to the gathering as genuinely happy and as wonderful as you are. I sense an apologetic air about you and how you want to approach your sister but there is no need for you to apologize for your life or for your engagement happening as it did!
I think you should give it some time for her to come around on her own, or for her to get engaged, too, which it seems is around the corner anyhow. Her reaction, or lack thereof, is textbook jealous — she just wants to be engaged first, and now that you are instead, she just can’t get around her own needs to be wholly happy for you. For one of the first things out of her mouth to be “Wow. Erik (her boyfriend) is going to be so mad that you guys beat us!”, she may as well have substituted the word “Erik” with her name. For her to tell you when not to have your wedding, during what should have been a congratulatory/sharing of your engagement phone call, is downright rude (and seems even more silly she is trying to call the shots on your wedding planning when she is still not engaged.)
Be very careful about planning together, should that situation be at hand. As much as it would be fun, you may decide not to at all or decide to keep it to one part of the wedding (i.e., flowers or colors.) I say this as already it seems like in her mind this is some sort of race or competition on some level and I would hate for it to get out of hand for either of you.
Post # 13
I cannot stand this kind of drama. who cares when people get engaged, even if it’s on the same day? why does your sister need to be so childish about it? it’s supposed to be a happy time, a time to celebrate!
I could see how you might not want your weddings to be too close together, but engagements? come on. she should be happy for you, as you would be happy for her.
Post # 14
Tell her what you told us!! It’s not about steeling “thunder”.
Seems like you guys maybe did it before as, so she has her ‘Moment” and you have your own. My sister is getting engaged this X-mas, and I got engaged in October, totally not planned, and maybe not simular. I look at it as we both have ‘Our” own special monent.
Post # 15
just go on as normal…. and then when she gets engaged, make sure your reaction is everything you wanted.. and in hindsight she will realize and appologize because she is happy now too and you two can plan together! she will come around!