Engaged @32; Feelings of older brides?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2021

I’m 33 and will be getting married at 34 almost exactly one year from the engagement (364 days).  I really haven’t been stressing at all.  I already knew what venue I wanted, so I booked that right away.  I booked my hair and makeup over the weekend.  We’re going to do our cake testing in the next couple weeks.  I’m still undecided about if I’m doing a photographer and florist.  No DJ/dancing.  I’ll just make a Spotify playlist.  I feel slightly older for a bride, but not by much.  Most people get married here in their late 20s or early 30s.  As an oldish bride, I have no desire to have a wedding party or bridal shower because that does feel a bit young for me and unnecessary.  We’re having a small low-key wedding at a restaurant.  I’m not sure how much out parents will be helping, but we can pay for it all if they don’t.  I think our wedding will end up less than 15k, but we don’t really have a budget.  Venue/food/bar only came to 7k.

Post # 17
Member
738 posts
Busy bee

I will be getting married this year at 30, and I’ve yet to feel like an older bride or have my age influence my wedding decisions. I am fortunate to have my parents paying for our venue and catering, which they would have offered regardless of my age. I also don’t want kids, so I don’t have a post-marriage timeline to consider. I actually wanted a longer engagement, both to have ample time to plan and secure vendors, but also to have some time for my SO and me to distance ourselves from a negative pre-engagement period. 

It seems like you have several stressors going on here that you may be conflating with age. It’s not that you’re 32 years old and the planning process is automatically different for a 32 year old versus a 26 year old. I think it’s more that you’re trying to plan and pay for a wedding yourself within six months, and not because you wanted a short engagment, but because you’re trying to stick to your timeline for having kids after waiting years for your SO to propose. That’s quite a bit of stress on top of existing stress, so it’s understandable that you’re feeling sensitive and bummed out easily. But again, I don’t think it’s just due to your age.

I think you should take a moment to take an inventory of your wellbeing here. What’s stressing you out the most about the planning process, and how can you best address it? Do you actually want to plan a wedding? Would another six months make the planning less stressful, or will it just drag the process out? Is your SO helping with the planning? Is elopement an option for you? How are you feeling about the engagement overall? How have you been managing the frustration from waiting for your SO? I know I’m not you, but I was waiting for my SO to propose for a couple of years, and I know I wasn’t ready to throw myself into wedding planning right after engagement. 

 

Post # 18
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

First of all- you’re not old. I also got engaged at 32, eager to start a family ASAP, and married at 33. In my circle, while I was a little bit older than the average, it was still within the norm. I don’t know anyone who married at 26.

Second- you can absolutely plan a wedding in 6 months. I did it, and we had 100+ guests, most of whom travelled from out of town, to our venue which was 2.5 hours away from where we live. So, complicated logistics. Our wedding was beautiful, everyone had a great time, and I did not feel rushed for time. I also managed to squeeze in shopping for and closing on a house, and out of town bachelorette and bridal showers in there in that time frame. It helps if you try to set a budget and stop stressing about it, and try to enjoy the process.

What I enjoyed about being an “older” bride was that I could let go of some traditions that felt untrue to me- for example, tossing the bouquet, the bridal party intro, etc. Instead we had added our own touches- a bread breaking ceremony, having my dad sings a few songs, etc. It made the wedding feel authentic to us.

Two months after the wedding, I got pregnant. It does not feel too “soon” for us because we have been together for 6 years and are ready for a child. We’re so excited.

Post # 19
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
amongclouds :  noooooo no no don’t feel offended, I’m sorry! Maybe I didn’t make it clear, you can certainly know he’s the one at 26. It’s what I tended to see in MY TOWN’S bridal shop, but it doesn’t  have to be the case. Anyway glad you’re married and happy! 

Post # 20
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

Well, this ancient 46 year old bride doesnt care what the 30 year olds think. It took me longer to find my soulmate but now I am so glad I didnt get married sooner, this is exactly who I am supposed to live my life with. Although we actually had a 2 year engagement, our wedding is in 5 months and the only thing we did was book the venue and photographer. I suppose I better get moving on this!

If you really want some fancy 2 years planned party, then wait and give yourself more time. It should be fun and enjoyable to plan the party. Remember, you dont NEED most of those details that cost a lot and add up and don’t really matter and will do nothing but stress you out. All you need is the 2 of you, your party outfits and a venue. You dont need tons of details and wasted money on “extras”. 

I think you can pull it off in 6 months and start your family sooner if thats more important to you, and you can still have a gorgeous wedding.   

Post # 21
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’m becoming engaged soon, and am almost 35. I don’t feel old at all. I am divorced, and didn’t have a wedding with my previous marriage (i was married at 22, divorced at 25). I don’t have any feelings of being too old, I feel very secure in my relationship, finances, and future marriage. I am the happiest I have ever been. I have zero of the feelings that you are going through right now. I agree with the prior posters, try to stop worrying and compairing yourself to anyone else, and just focus on planning your wedding and future. That is the only thing that matters at the end of the day!

Post # 24
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2020 - Austin, TX

I am 32 as well and engaged. This will be my second marriage but first wedding. I thought I’d be hyper focused on getting in killer shape but it just hasnt been my #1 priority thus far. Wedding is 4 months away and he loves me and all my fluff anyway so I let that stress go. We have kept things pretty simple and minimal but I think do what makes you happy that is what matters! 

Post # 25
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

32 is not old. If 32 is old there’s something wrong with the world.

I’ve been told by many that their thirties were some of the best years of their life.

Post # 26
Member
1197 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sure this is in part geographic and demographic (I live in an east coast city and the majority of people I know have 1-2 post-grad degrees), but most people I know got married between 30 and 35. It certainly wasn’t the case that going to wedding stores and so on felt like I was the oldest (I got engaged at 33 and married at 35). 

Could you say a bit more about what is making you feel bad? Is it that you think you should have done this younger? (People get married at all kinds of ages! Some of the best relationships I know are among people who got married for the first time in their 60s, and some others are people who got married in their early 20s and are now in their 90s) Is it that you wish you had family financial support? (Not all people in their 20s do, not all people in their 30s don’t) Is it that you feel pressured to do it quickly (there is no set of things you have to do, but also, you can take more time if you want!) Are you worried about starting a family? (Fertility doesn’t actually have a magic cut-off, so taking a bit more time wouldn’t change your chances much) 

Don’t worry about getting in shape! (I mean, fitness is good to do for life, but don’t think of it as somthing with a wedding deadline) That’s one of those silly wedding-industrial complex things done to fuel sales at gyms by making people feel bad about themselves. Your fiancee, your friends, and your family love YOU. There isn’t some other person you need to transform yourself into for the event. 

 

Post # 27
Member
546 posts
Busy bee

I’m engaged at 33. I’ll be close to my 35th birthday on the big day. I don’t feel old at all. I have some friends who are celebrating their 10th anniversary, some who are still single, some who are divorced…

It’s not a contest. There is nothing about being a young bride that makes someone better than someone else. I met the love of my life at 30. I had a great long relationship in my 20s that ended ammicably when we realized we weren’t a good fit for marriage and then I had another few years of being single where I got to figure out what I wanted in life and learn how to live independantly. I wouldn’t trade that.

I would say the only disadvantage that I feel is that knowing my age and knowing we want kids, everyone is anticipating we’ll get pregnant immediately. We do plan on trying immediately, but I worry things won’t go well and I’ll constantly have people watching me and asking questions without really being able to put them off with a “we are waiting for the right time” response.

Post # 28
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: Colorado

I’m 34 and engaged, will be getting married at 35.  I haven’t even once felt like an “older” bride.  I will be having the exact same wedding I would have had at 26- which is to say, the one my financial situation can accommodate.  I’m sure there are 45-year-old brides whose family pays for everything, and 25-year-old old brides whose families can’t pay for anything.  Age has nothing to do with it.  The only difference between a wedding now and a wedding 10 years ago is that I am now marrying the absolute love of my life, and 10 years ago I would have married my ex and WHAT A DISASTER THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN.  See- there are some real benefits to marrying in your 30s! 🙂

 

Enjoy this time.   

Post # 29
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

I am engaged at 34 and will be 35 when I tie the knot.

I too am trying to plan a wedding in under 6months but I don’t feel overwhelmed by that. 

However, I  can relate to how you feel in terms of feeling older and pressured to start trying to conceive as soon as possible. If it weren’t for the fact that I am concerned about having my first child at >35 I wouldn’t feel any pressure. Only 1/3 of my friends are married and only 1/2 of the women in my office who  are 30- 40 are married. So in terms of the ppl around me I’m not behind. 

My sister who is 30 is surrounded by married ppl. She has been a bridesmaid over 6 times and doesn’t even have a bf. I know she isn’t happy with where her personal life is as well.

But despite these feelings I know on a rational level life is not a competition. In all facets of life there will be ppl who achieve some things before us and after us. And that’s ok. I just thank God that I found my fiance at all. 

 

Post # 30
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
bpositive :  Girl yes!  This 100%!

“older” bride here.  Engaged at 47 and married just shy of 48 and yep it was the first time for me.  The really good thing about getting married in your forties is that you give less ff’s about what other people think.  Your parents are less likely to interfere or your less likely to let them.  Your bank account can handle it much better cause that 401(K) is niiiiicce! 

In all seriousness OP your problem was never your age but you putting too much importance on what other people think.  Why do you care what complete strangers are doing/thinking? Stop comparing your situation with others and realize your lifepath was YOUR PATH and it turned out the way it NEEDED to…WHEN…it NEEDED to!

Can you do a wedding in 6 months?  Certainly, but if its overwhelming and stressing you out then why are you rushing?  Do what works for YOU and everyone else can take a flying leap off a short ledge.

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