Engaged a year but cannot get married/set a date. Really struggling

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
4498 posts
Honey bee

I’m not aware of any religion that requires two people to have lots of money or host a lot of people or wear expensive clothing in order to get married. I’m not willing to vouch for none requiring rings, but certainly none require engagement rings and amazon has a number of bands suitable for a wedding band for under $15.  Yes, many churches charge a rental fee for their facility.  But surely if you are religious, the religious lead of your primary place of worship is aware of your medical and financial situation and would be willing to work with you to marry you with whatever is the minimum number of witnesses as required by law.  In fact, I know of religious ceremonies where the wedding is simply incorporated to the normal weekly sermon in front of the whole congregation. 

I also know of several married couples who lived with multiple roommates their first few years.  I know of married couples who lived with their parents.  I know of couples who lived apart until they could afford otherwise.

Is it ideal?  No.  Is it hard?  You betcha.  But if you want something bad enough, you make it work and stop finding excuses.  If knocked up 18 year olds without an education or pot to piss in can figure it out, I’m sure two 26 year old professionals can, too.  It isn’t impossible.  At a certain point you have to admit to yourself that you’re making a choice to find excuses and not have to do it the hard way or you’re making a choice to wait so that you can have the ring to shut other people up or match an ideal in your head, etc.  Medical bills are certainly unfortunate.  Lots of people have medical, student loan, credit card debt and figure out how to not live with their parents and still move on with their lives – it’s not impossible.  You aren’t a victim – circumstances may have made your options less than ideal, but you do have options and once you admit that you are making the choice to deal with your circumstances the way you are and stop viewing yourself as a victim, it will be a bit easier to cope with. 

As PP said, the community is pretty wide and varied and resourceful for ideas if you want to actually start exploring your options and move forward.

Post # 17
1102 posts
Bumble bee

ladybug1993 :  stop with the excuses. If neither of you are willing to do what it takes to live together and get married, then you must not want it badly enough to make it happen.

You can’t complain about a situation if you’re not willing to put in the work to change it.

Post # 18
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Even if this has to do with medical bills and taking responsibility for each other’s debt, you could still hold a small religious ceremony and not do the legal part. Or, as everyone has suggested, do the legal part and the religious later. Either way, there is NO REASON two 26 year olds who are capable of holding professional jobs cannot figure something out. Family doesn’t like it? Stop trying to please everyone. Lease is up? Move in with your partner. Disability makes that impossible? Then you find an accessible apartment when your lease is up and he moves in with you when his lease is up. What is complicated about any of this?

Post # 19
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I think you need to do a little bit more of explaining to us as to why you can’t be married. Is it because of health insurance purposes? I mean we can all sit here an guess but that won’t do us any good. Until you can tell us why you can’t we can’t really give you any advice. Get a cheap ring at a walmart for now, I guess if that would help. Get a marriage license and go to the court house if you really want to get married. Me and my ex were dirt poor when we had gotten married and we eloped. Was it easy hell no but you do what you have to do if you want to be together. And you said you are both professional’s so I am a little lost. 

Post # 20
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

ladybug1993 :  I do not really understand the reasons that you cannot get married or live together or why there is no ring…would you mind explaining more?

Is it a religious thing that you can’t live together before marriage but you don’t want to get married due to loss of/change to health insurance?

Why is his family unhappy that you got engaged?


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