Post # 1
Here is my update: we are now finally engaged after more than a year of discussing/debating/negotiating our timeline and trying to figure out if our relationship was strong enough to commit too. It has been a very long and rocky road. We had ordered the ring about a month ago and he surprised me with it on our hike yesterday. I LOVE the ring and am happy that he gave it to me early. We are still trying to get over our waiting. I can honestly say that most of the anger I had towards him melted away when we ordered the ring. However, the waiting period did cause a lot of damage and doubt to my self esteem and my confidence in us as a couple that very much lingers. I’m happy to be engaged but cautious and ambivalent at the same time. Hoping to feel that euphoric top of the world happiness I felt in my first engagement but I’m not sure it’s possible after all of the resentment and tears. Maybe a quiet contentment eventually is more realistic. Fingers crossed.
Post # 3
Congrats!! Your ring is stunning!
I think the waiting resentment fades with time. For me it took a while to really get excited about wedding planning. I think 20% of it was the resentment and the other portion was because I’m just not the girliest girl who always dreamed of her wedding. I also had to realize that the way movies and social media portray engagement isn’t realistic and being in my 30’s I know better than to let an engagement not being movie perfect bother me long term.
Post # 4
Congratulations! Your ring is beautiful! Hope you feel better about your situation soon. Best wishes!
Post # 5
happybee45 : you had 2 kids with this 50 yrold yet he continued to hurt, insult and erode your self esteem for years by being unwilling to marry you! *Of course* you still have lingering resentment and hurt. Given the past I personally don’t think I could trust him to be all fully “in”, but you’ve created a family with him already. Honestly at this point I would just want the legal protective stuff a done deal. It’s a beautiful ring though.
Post # 6
Your post reads as very deflated. I do hope you find your happiness and don’t just settle for contentment.
Your ring is beautiful.
Post # 7
I hope it’s not a “Shut it up” ring!!
Post # 9
I’m sorry bee. You don’t sound happy. I’d be worried he’ll back out based on your past posts. The ring is beautiful, but to me there aren’t diamonds shiny enough to make me forget the bullshit he put you through.
I hope you get what you want in life and find your happiness. With or without him
Post # 10
While the ring is beautiful the rest of the post reads very negative. I don’t know anything about your relationship but I haven’t ever come across someone still carrying resentment after getting the ring! Typically all that washes away..if it’s just the “waiting” resentment.. also don’t settle for being content that sounds miserable!
Post # 11
You sound very unhappy. Are you sure you want to get married as opposed to having ring you can a ring you can flash around?
Post # 12
I’m not a total fool. I know this is a shut up ring from him deciding that being married to me is better than us breaking up. He isn’t proposing out of some passionate love for me or eager desire to commit to me. I KNOW THAT. But that being said, we had a really strong friendship going into this relationship and have two young kids. We get along great and minus this issue, have very little conflict. I wish this is some crazy romantic love story that would serve as a strong foundation for a lifelong marriage, but I’m still hopeful that what we have will be good enough. I’m 37 years old and have two kids with him. At some point, the practical needs to trump the romantic dream. I’m hopeful that I’m making the right decision. Of course I have my doubts after this past year and the horrible words that I can’t ever unhear but I also have hope. We shall see how the wedding planning goes…. Thanks for all the well wishes. I appreciate the support over the several angst ridden months!
Post # 13
happybee45 : bee, as a child of parents in a very unhappy marriage, “staying together for the kids” is not always the best option. you sound deflated and utterly miserable at knowing that he doesn’t really want to marry you—and you should be! you do not have to be the one that had to twist his arm to commit to and the one he’s settled for if that is not what you want out of your life. stop letting your life happen to you and take some control of your own future, bee!
you had 2 kids with him, and sure that probably wasn’t the best decision given the circumstance. but you’re not stuck with this life if it isn’t what you truly want. I strongly urge you to speak to a counselor and figure out how to gain some independence and control over how YOU want your future to look. he doesn’t have to be in it.
ETA: an engagement is supposed to be such a happy moment in your relationship, and your sense of deflation and apathy is very telling of what your future holds with this guy. he’s 50, for Christ’s sake. don’t expect him to change. your life doesn’t have to be void of romantic love and a partner who *enthusiastically* wants to spend his life with you.
Post # 14
happybee45 : but WHEN exactly is the marriage to actually take place OP? Has he told you he’ll marry you in the (as far off as possible) future; is the ring really just a gift of jewelry?
Post # 15
I do hope it all works out OP. Perhaps, now he has actually ‘put a ring on it’ he might come to see that what he has is good and will last and that to his surprise he finds he is reconciled to marriage after all.
I’m not surprised you sound deflated and are stressing the practicality rather than the romance . Just keep an eye on your feelings as it were. It may be that you get an epiphany and think, ‘ actually, fuck this, l don’t need to settle’. Or it might be that you are all, kids too, happy enough after all.
What about an actual wedding date btw? Are you ok with not having one, or will it just be more of the same, only with a ring?