Engaged after Brutal waiting

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

happybee45 :  so he talks about his dream wedding on a mountain top?

Post # 47
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

Bee please take a step back and listen to yourself. You just got engaged and you sound miserable. The reality is, he prob will drag this. Yes the ring is pretty, but you deserve more than this. Don’t settle because you have children. You are 37 which is still young By The Way. There are men out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. With your two kids and all. Maybe you guys can make a committment to be the best co-parents for your children while accepting that you aren’t good as a couple and both move on. 

Post # 48
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee

happybee45 :  “I actually want some time for me to feel secure and confident.” 

Bee- time is not the answer here.

You will not feel any different a year from now. In fact, the longer this drags out and you avoid pressing him for answers because you’re afraid he will confirm your worst fear and drag it out, the more insecure you will feel.

Time isn’t going to do anything to make you feel better because you’re with the wrong man. 

You know what would make you more secure and confident? Accepting reality and seeing this shit relationship for what it is. And dumping this loser and never looking back. And then after healing and moving on, refusing to settle for less than you deserve until you find that Mr. Right who WILL want to marry you!

Bottom line: what would make you secure and confident would be getting some dignity back and finding a better man

Post # 49
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

To temper all of the negative responses to your thread – your ring is gorgeous!!

Post # 50
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, I’ve got a very important question: why do you feel like this man and his reluctance about you is all you deserve out of life? when did you get to this point?

Post # 51
Member
848 posts
Busy bee

I’m glad what I said resonated. I have one more question- when you look at that beautiful ring, do you feel sad? 

Post # 52
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

“Our dream wedding…”  OP,  you said “our” but….this is only YOUR dream! The only dream HE has about your wedding is for it NOT TO HAPPEN….

You’re deluding yourself still.   It’s only prolonging the inevitable. 

Post # 53
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

Even if you marry this man you will most likely continue to feel this insecure because his behavior demonstrates he’s not in it for the long haul. Usually men don’t want to marry because they think someone better will come along. Even if the man reluctantly marries, when that someone eventually does come along, he will leave.  You’re going to start marriage with this man with a crumbling foundation.  happybee45 :  

Post # 54
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

How old is your youngest child? You said you spent most of the last year pregnant, so I’m guessing young.  Are you being treated for post-partum depression? You sound really depressed, regardless of the relationship, there are solutions for this type of depression.

 

Hang in there.

Post # 55
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Common law works if that is what both partners are happy with. I need the formal commitment of marriage from a man who is proud to call me his wife. 

Wholeheartedly agree. Happy, confident and single is much better than an insecure unhappy resentful parent. Thanks for the kind thoughts. 

 This can’t be love because it is absolutely miserable

 ^^^ These are quotes from YOU, op.  https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/any-scenario-where-i-win/    There is stronger, clearer minded woman hiding inside you.  If you trust yourself, you’ll see that there is a much better life waiting for you, without this guy.

Post # 56
Member
4529 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

happybee45 :  OP, it’s really sad that you think your fiancé would have taken your relationship more seriously and would have committed sooner if you hadn’t moved in and had kids with him. The whole cow for free thing isnt actually a thing. It’s an excuse trotted out when people find themselves in a one sided relationship or when a party finds themselves trapped in a situation they don’t want. I could of given my now husband every drop of milk for ‘free’ but he would never taken advantage of it and it wouldn’t have changed the outcome of our relationship.

That is how his ex wife caught him

Also OP, you are a 37 year old woman and I feel sad that your life expiriences have made you think that relationships are a game of manipulating and withholding to get a desired outcome. A truly healthy relationship doesn’t involve any games. They involve saying what you mean and respecting the other person enough to come up with a compromise when you don’t always agree. NO GAMES EVER.

Honestly OP, I do hope you guys can move past this. I hope his actions start to reassure you that he really does love you and wants to commit. I also hope that he finally realises that he loves you and wants to commit because at the moment it sounds like you are both trapped together because of your situation with children and that marriage is the inevitable step. I have a sibling who is in an unhappy marriage and they are together because of they are scared to move on and they have a kid together. It’s totally messed up and I see the harm it does to my niece who is honestly the sweetest kid around. Her parents interact through her and she is the be all end all for both of her parents because they feel lonely in their marriage. That is a lot of pressure for anyone let alone a child. I worry for my niece. She was 4 and at my other siblings house having a play date with her cousins. She turned to my sister and said ‘Aunty, your house is very happy’. She was 4. Kids are perceptive. Take heed and don’t underestimate your children’s ability to see the truth. Staying in a relationship because of them isn’t good for anyone. 

Post # 57
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2100 - City, State

I know that as ListKeeper, I should be happy for all of our engagements and when our girls are coming off the waiting list. 

However, in this case, my heart breaks for you Bee. You’re not happy. I can tell. 

Please, take care of yourself and do what is best for your children and for yourself. This man does not want the best for you and is everything that a SO should not be. 

Post # 58
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

happybee45 :  Your ring is *stunning*, please post more photos!

I disagree with most of the other Bees, I don’t think there’s anything sad or wrong about getting married for practical reasons. Especially when you do actually love each other and have a wonderful relationship! I don’t see that as settling at all. He clearly doesn’t want to get married, but he is doing it for you. Isn’t that act itself romantic? If this issue truly was the only problem in your relationship, it’s time to let it go and enjoy your engagement! 

What I would not expect from him is much involvement in the wedding planning, and that’s ok, too. If it were me, I’d plan something very simple, easy, and private — and fast, so you don’t corrode your trust further by thinking he’s stalling. Screw Christmas, just get it done! What really matters is the marriage, not the wedding.

You said you were over the moon excited about your first proposal… and yet that marriage failed! So trust in the security of what you have now, of your family unit, and know that you don’t need the butterflies to have a thriving marriage. My bet is that he will actually quite enjoy being your husband once it’s all settled.

If what you said about your relationship is true, that it is wonderful and loving, then let the past year go. He’s gone above and beyond by getting you not one, but two rings. Accept that gesture and enjoy it! A man can be crazy in love with you and still not want marriage on principle. If he’s setting aside that deeply personal principle for you, time to pop the champagne!

Post # 59
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

valintine :  Above and beyond? Can you expand on that thought of how this guy has gone above and beyond for op? She described the ring as a shut it up ring, which means he literally gave it to her to get the marriage talk to stop for a while

I’m just curious about your above and beyond thought

Post # 60
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sansa85 :  Above and beyond because he wanted to get her zero rings, and ended up getting her two. One he chose, one custom designed.

She also described their relationship as loving, grounded in a long friendship, and basically flawless aside from this one disagreement. If that’s all true, and if they marry soon, then they have a good shot at a long and happy marriage. 

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