Engaged after Brutal waiting

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

FFS, why in the world would you want to be married to someone you practically have to drag down the aisle? 

From your postings its sounds like you are playing a game. A dangerous one at that. You are forcing his hand, because clearly he doesnt want to be married. He is trying to placate you. Worse still you have two children in this mess who have no say whatsoever.

History and studies have shown over and over, that children who grow up in unhappy homes have issues that stay with them the rest of their lives. Whether you fight in front of them or not, kids know when parents arent happy. You are committing them to a lifetime of unhappiness.

I grew up in a home with two parents who refused to divorce because they wanted to stay together for us. I firmly believe it drove my father into an early grave. My mother was miserable and had multiple affairs. 

You won the battle but ultimately your children will lose the war. You say you want to wait a bit for some security, well bee in this situation it never works. He may already resent you, you already resent him. You two may never come to a place where your life is really and truly happy, and once again your kids will be the ones who bear the brunt of your bad decisions.

Also two parents who amicably get along separately is better than two parents who live together in misery.

Post # 62
Member
5558 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

I had to read her other post, which actually makes this post even more depressing to read, to find the mention of a second ring.

How low is this bar set that getting a second ring after the first ring was viewed as tarnished is seen as going above and beyond?

I am glad that op was able to have some positive feedback in her thread at least

Sometimes responses can be incredibly negative, but sometimes that’s more helpful than rosy glasses 

Post # 63
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeah, I do see a lot of positives! I simply don’t believe that the fairytale stuff is necessarily vital to a happy and successful relationship… just look at OP’s first engagement! Nothing but sunshine and roses and a fiancé who could not wait to promise her forever, and where did that end? Divorce! Where is her ex-husband’s lifetime commitment now? Whereas this time around, she has a fiancé who doesn’t want to get married and struggles with the idea of a lifetime commitment (which frankly seems practical considering they are both divorced), and yet he loves her enough to go through with it anyway. He’s going against his own wishes because he loves her — that doesn’t seem like a low bar to me. Plus, she chose him to father her children, and says they have a great relationship, so he obviously has many redeeming qualities.

Of course his reluctance to marry could actually be indicative of major problems in their relationship, but OP has given no indication of such things so I’m seeing the glass half full, here!

Post # 64
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

valintine :  I cant believe you are actually advocating that this is somehow okay. He gave her a ring to shut her up, not because he really wants to be married. It then begs the question, why in the world would you want to be married to someone who doesnt really want to be married?

Yes she chose to have children with him, but again that might not have been the smartest decision either given that he has said on multiple occasions that he doesnt want to marry. 

Justs because she had romance in her first marriage and it ended in divorce doesnt mean she should just settle for someone who simply because its practical. 

She is already resentful about the long engagement, he may well grown resentful because he is marrying her when he really doesnt want to. That could build up and that could ultimately harm their children. 

Children arent stupid, and when parents arent happy children arent happy. Just because it sounds practical doesnt mean it really is. Relationships and feelings are complicated things. 

As for this idea that he finally proposed because he is sacrificing his wants for her, we dont really know his motivations. He could be simply doing it because she has worn him down, he could be doing it out of fear that she might walk away with his children, he could be doing it because the sky is blue.

He could simply have wanted an easy relationship and then when children came into the mix, it changed her ideas on marriage but not his. 

Usually you work these sort of things out before you bring babies into the mix. 

No one should settle, and settling is exactly what she is doing. She has gotten her ring, she has maybe gotten a future wedding day, but I wouldnt bet on this ending happily. When you force people into a corner, eventually they come out fighting.  He told her upfront from the get go he wasnt marriage minded and she continued on with him and even bore his child. 

When people show you who they are, you believe them. When someone tells you upfront they dont want to be married and dont see themselves getting married, then you believe them. It doesnt matter if you decide to change the rules. She said she was okay with it at first, and then she decided she wasnt okay with it. Yes she is allowed to change her mind, but he is also allowed his feelings as well, and clearly he hasnt changed his mind as he gave her a ring to shut her up which she acknowledges. 

 

 

Post # 68
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

happybee45 :  “Christmas, Hawaii, before our second child was born, etc”. Each time he broke a commitment to a deadline, my anger and disgust for his lack of character would grow.”

But what all this “breaking of commitment” comes down to is him NOT wanting to get married in the first place. People will often talk about marriage at the beginning of a relationship in the honeymoon phase. I’m sorry, OP, but that kind of talk is cheap and means nothing (except that the people having that kind of talk after knowing each other for a month and a half are immature as hell). 

People are here telling you that this guy doesn’t actually want marriage, that you’re settling for something that doesn’t even make you HAPPY, and you come back with, “He DID want to get married once. But when shit got real he absolutely, full-stop made it clear he didn’t want marriage. So now I’m not excited about marriage.”

You don’t see the issue with that?!?!!

Post # 69
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

if I can be honest, maybe @valintine is giving OP the advice she was seeking. she wants to be told that she’s not doing anything wrong, and that somehow, some way this will all turn out with a happy ending. it’s  not what she needs to hear, but everything we’re saying doesn’t seem to be helping because it’s all being ignored. this situation is very sad, but we can’t force people to want better for themselves.

all we can do is be here if (when) it all falls apart and avoid saying “I told you so” 🙁

Post # 71
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

obviousanonymous :  Amen to this. How many post have we bees read where marriage was talked about early on and then it never comes to fruition.  

What we mostly know is that when men bring up marriage in the very early stages of dating its a huge red flag. I mean to say this…..

You have been on a few dates and you are discussing where you see yourself in 5 years and a guy says, “yes I can see myself getting serious and settling down in the future when I meet the right woman.” That isnt a red flag, but when you go out with a guy for a few months  and they are talking about marriage, when, where, how many kids etc, that is a huge red flag. 

Its really sort of love bombing because they are trying to get you to invest in a relationship where they dont really mean those things or they do but not with you in particular.  They say those things knowing thats what women want to hear. Before I get flamed, let me say that this is not every man, but we all know those men who do these things. They over promise and under deliver. 

I think this is one of those situations. He overpromised, she bought into it, they had kids, and now he doesnt really want to marry at all. 

 

Post # 72
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

Wow, Bee. You gotta live your life and do what you wanna do. If you really think this is the best decision, best of luck to you. Not a decision I would make but we are all different people. 

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