Post # 1
I don’t know about the average time people are engaged. I’ve known my fiance my entire life. Our families were friends before we were born. We’ve been engaged almost 2 years now and together for 4 and a half years.
I realize how hard it is for guys to be motivated, and I’m going for counselling about that with him soon. I feel like I’m wasting my time because he says he wants to get married but he doesn’t apply for full time work. He’s been working part time and quit school a month ago. He has his mind set on this one job and he’s counting on getting it, and he wants to apply in the next few weeks.
We both still live with our parents and they gave him a deadline that he apply for that job by mid November and if he doesn’t get it he has to look elsewhere. Right now he doesn’t have to pay rent or anything. He doesn’t have his own car either, he uses one of theirs.
I love him and everything is fine besides the finances. I’m getting more frustrated as it goes along because I want to get married and have my own place and life going already. I don’t say anything to him, though. I’m just so tired of waiting at this point.
Any advice or suggestions? We’re in our early twenties.
Post # 2
Marriage won’t change him or make him more responsible. Men are not inherently unmotivated (WTF?) and you’re doing him and yourself a disservice by excusing his behaviour like that. My maybe unpopular opinion is that if a relationship is going through enough trouble to need counselling before you even get married, you might want to rethink marriage. Decide if his lack of motivation and unwillingness to work with you is something you can put up with forever, because that’s what you’ll be doing. Right now he’s jobless, not going to school and living with his parents rent free- not what I’d call husband material. But maybe that’s just me.
You’re in your early 20s….why the rush to settle down with him? The fact that you’ve been engaged for 2 years with no end in sight is also troubling…to me, getting engaged is like saying you’re ready to get married and would do it that afternoon if you had to. I don’t understand couples who get engaged indefinitely (although I realize with some life circumstances it happens…but that’s different). Did you push for an engagement? Is it possible that he proposed to placate you but really has no intention on following through? Just a thought that popped up…
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle
He has some serious growing up to do before you should even think of marrying him. He’s essentially living like a 16 year old boy.
Are you sure he’s even “the one”?
Post # 4
Early twenties is still very young. Especially now a days many people are still getting their lives together until mid to late twenties. By no means am I excusing his behaviour, though! How common is it in your social group to be moved out and getting married already? If you guys are the only couple that could be part of the problem. No guy wants to be the first group to become “real adults” haha. I would consider taking the same approach as his parents and wait to see how things pan out with this job. Wether he gets it or not, come November sit him down and explain how being engaged for this long without planning a wedding or marriage is basically not being engaged at all and that you’d like to move forward with things. See how he reacts to that. Good luck bee!
Post # 5
tessa08: By the sounds of it neither of you are in the financial position to be paying for a wedding at the moment. And two years to me isn’t that long, what is long to one person isn’t to another. You need to speak with him on how long he thinks is too long.
Post # 6
tessa08: my advice/suggestion is to wait until you are both financially stable before getting married.
Post # 7
Oh hun. There is a HUGE reason why finances are one of the main causes of divorce. If you don’t agree on finances and if he’s unmotivated to move forward with his life and looking towards a life with you, there is little to no hope for this relationship. I get it, you love him and want to be with him, BUT he will not give you what you’re looking for. Men aren’t “wired” to be unmotivated…please don’t convince yourself of that. THIS man is unmotivated. He’s comfortable living with mommy and daddy and not paying rent and not having adult responsibilities. That in and of itself tells me he’s lazy and unwilling to change, and I don’t know ANYTHING about him besides what you put here.
Do yourself a favor and move on from this guy before you get married and feel stuck.
Post # 8
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling discouraged. Maybe you should focus on your own accomplishments to distract you from his job hunt?
“You love him and everything is fine besides the finances.”
So, if I understand your post, he must get this one job and then you’ll feel that finances will fall into place pretty quickly? What about your own income potential and plans for living independently? Have you already met your goals in those areas?
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2018 - City, State
Honestly you two shouldnt even be considering marriage until you can fully support yourselves without any help.
Also, his lack of motivation won’t ever change and if it bugs you now imagine having to push him through life forever…yeah not fun.
I would rethink your relationship and certainly put thoughts of marriage on hold until you two have proven you can be actual adults.
Post # 10
he doesn’t sound like husband material to me. If you can’t support yourselves independently neither of you are ready to get married. It’s amazing how coddled he is by you and his parents…. The deadline is to apply by November and wait to see what happens before applying for another? Lol. How about applying to three jobs today. That’s how people who actually want a job go about it! You need to speak up.
Post # 11
It sounds like you guys both have a lot of growing up and maturing to do. If his parents had to set a deadline for him to apply to ONE JOB, that is not someone who is ready to be an independent adult. I wouldn’t be worrying about the wedding at this point, I would focus on your own career and getting your own place. He can move in whenever he’s ready. You don’t talk about your circumstances at all, if you’re working or not, but so far this guy has shown that you can’t depend on him to be the breadwinner.
Post # 12
I want to get my full time job but I found out a month ago my mom has Stage 4 cancer. They don’t know what type yet. She has four tumours. It’s likely ovarian or colon cancer. She’s getting her operation in mid November and her recovery will be two weeks. She told me she’ll need my help. When that’s over I’ll be applying for full time work in my field and getting my own place as soon as I can. My counsellor said it’s a good idea to wait.
Post # 13
I think you should really re-evaluate your goals with this (and any) relationship.
You can love somebody, but that will NEVER be enough. Being in a lasting and healthy relationship means that you must be grow together towards the same goals, and encourage each other to meet those goals. It means self-motivating to improve yourself and your relationship out of love…notice the focus is on the SELF…not dragging the other person to improve and change out of obligation.
You may be ready for marriage, but he clearly isn’t. I would also suggest that thinking that moving forward when you have to drag someone into the next step and accepting his immature behavior suggests that you have some maturation to do before you are ready for marriage as well.
I’m not trying to be harsh. You’ve solicited advice and so I’ll weigh in: I think you should try being single and an adult without him (and he should do the same without you) and then you two should try to work as a couple. Right now, he seems to be using his parents as a crutch to keep from being independent, and when/if the parents cut the umbilical cord, he’ll just put that on you. I don’t think you want a man-child for a husband (especially since it is already causing you problems). If somewhere down the line you find that you still love him, and he’s done some growing up, then pursue a relationship. However, if you go it alone for a few months…I’m betting you’ll see how wildly incompatible you two are and realize that though you love him, you don’t want to build a life with someone who is more interested in a caregiver than an equal in a relationship.
Post # 14
If you’ve made the decision to become a full-time caregiver to your mom, then you should postpone (or cancel) marriage and move plans for the forseeable future. Focus on next steps, one step at a time. Best wishes to you and your mom.
Post # 15
tessa08: I’m really sorry to hear that, bee. I hope your mom has a speedy recovery.
You are still very young; whatever you decide to do, you have time.