(Closed) Engaged and betrayed — Don't know if I should stay or leave, Advice please

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Fiance is "sexting" girls online, but says it has never gotten physical. Stay or Leave?

    You should work on your relationship together, you are engaged for a reason

    You should leave him, he will likely continue to talk to other girls

    If he hasn't done anything physical with other girls, it's not cheating

  • Post # 2
    Member
    258 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    It’s still cheating!!!! LEAVE HIM!!!!! IT’S EMOTIONALLY CHEATING!!!! 

    Post # 3
    Member
    924 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    Don’t let him guilt you into giving him another chance…  He’s only sorry for getting caught and obviously if you never found these messages i am pretty sure he would have persued someone and cheated on you… Sorry bee… I don’t even know why you would consider giving him another chance… 

    Post # 4
    Member
    10989 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Why do women always believe these guys when they say nothing physical ever happened?  They all say nothing physical ever happened.  I can’t thing of a single reason to believe that.

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    462 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    People can change. However, people who need to be “found out” are usually resistant to change. If he was truly sorry for what he did, he should have come clean sooner -not while you were engaged. So I am suspicious about him actually feeling regret over what he did -he does seem regretful to have been found.

    If you want to stay with him you need to understand that he is the one who needs to work his butt off to regain your trust. This means, going to therapy (if he feels it is such a problem), opening his account to you, stop using Craiglist and any other things you both think might be helpful.

    If you decide to stay with him also means you CAN NOT hold this over him and you are willing to 100% forgive him and 100% trust him again. It isn’t easy, but only you can tell if he is worth the hard job.

    Post # 6
    Member
    666 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I think if someone can’t go three years without needing to sex other women, they can’t commit to a lifetime of not doing it. In my opinion this is cheating, it’s wrong, and it is not worth putting up with. I wouldn’t want to start a mariage this way.

    Post # 7
    Member
    999 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    LEAVE and never look back.

    Post # 8
    Member
    68 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

    Post # 9
    Member
    5145 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    Why would you want to build a future with someone who would risk that future for something he says there “isn’t any meaning” in?

    Everyone has different boundaries, but I can tell you right now that if anyone I was dating, engaged to, or married was doing this, they would be breaking my boundaries. I consider this cheating, as well as disrespectful, dishonest, disloyal, and a host of other things.

    He sounds sorry that he got caught. He is doing this during a time you are engaged, what is supposed to be a rather blissful time. What happens when there is real stress on the relationship?

    Of course he is a charmer. He is even charming you into thinking he might have some sort of uncontrollable medical or psychological issue that causes him to use Craiglist to contact women to sext with (and…hate to say it, but he likely HAS gotten physical at some point, or thought about it) and that well, damn it, if you love him you will stand by while he “works it out”.

    Dealbreaker. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    I wouldn’t want to live my life wondering if I could trust my husband. Being suspicious of his every move would be exhausting. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    8002 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    My exH did this. And because we were married with children and a long history and he said he was looking for people to make him feel good about himself after several job losses, blah, blah, blah I agreed to counseling and stuck with him. And he was right back at it a couple of years and another job loss later. 

    ETA: My exH is, as PP suggested of this character-type, very, very charming. And as another PP stated trust is everything. My exH is on his third? fourth? actual, physical girlfriend since we divorced, who knows how many “virtual” women.

    You are not married to this man, you have no children to tie you to him forever–cut your losses, Bee. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    10275 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    I say leave but that’s easy for me because it’s not my relationship. You love this man and there are people who have worked through worse.

    Couseling is a must, probably couples and individual for him. I would also demand all passwords and complete access to phones, iPads, computers, etc. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1174 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    My sister was in a similar situation, found emails between her ex and women he found on CL, flirting and some pictures.  He claimed that he didn’t do anything with them.  It was a few months before their wedding.  He begged for her forgiveness and declared that he was a changed man.  Sound familiar?  2.5 years into their marriage and a kid later, she found expungement papers, because he was arrested in the red light district, looking for some of these women he found on Craigslist.  Yeah, with these people, looking is never enough, it will turn into touching and sex.   Leave now and cost your losses before the losses get greater.  I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    6369 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  That would still be cheating in my eyes.  And I wouldn’t stand for it.

    Post # 15
    Member
    9565 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    LEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE please. seriously. leave. If he cant be loyal during your engagment,  good luck after a few years marriage. This guy is a dirt bag. Dont commit your life to that.

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