Post # 1
I have been with my fiance for 3 years and have been engaged for almost 10 months. We have set our wedding date (2 years away due to me finishing up grad school) and put a deposit on a venue. I recently found out he has been “sexting” multiple women through craigslist postings… I found two conversations through his email that was left open on his computer and they include talking about sexual acts, asking for pictures, and a naked photo from the girl and headshot/selfie sent by him. The conversations I found were basically dirty talk that ranged from flirtacious to explicit. The latest message was yesterday (the day I found it) and I confronted him last night.
He says he has talked to multiple women online through email, but has never met up with any of them or done anything physical. He says he has never and will never do anything physical with another girl because he only wants me. He says it is always a different person/account and that there isn’t any meaning to it, he does it to get an adrenaline rush/high feeling. He says he feels ashamed of himself and knows he has a problem. He says he would never actually do any of the things they talk about and is willing to do what it takes to be with me. He brought up going to therapy/counseling to get to the root of the problem because he feels bad about what he does and wants me to be treated the way I deserve.
To me, this is cheating and I always said I would leave if a guy ever cheated on me. Now, I feel like it is more complicated than that. I love him so much, thought I knew exactly who he was, and we have everything planned out for our future. He moved away from home to be with me while I was in school and is working two jobs to help pay for expenses and save for the wedding. He is always talking about our wedding and future together and is so sweet and comforting. I thought I found the one. I want to believe he can and will change, that things will get better, and that we can get past this to have a happy life together. However, I don’t want to feel stupid if he continues to lie to me and be unloyal.
I’m hoping to get advice and hopefully hear from people who have been in similar situations or know someone who has. Thank you so much in advance!
Post # 2
It’s still cheating!!!! LEAVE HIM!!!!! IT’S EMOTIONALLY CHEATING!!!!
Post # 3
Don’t let him guilt you into giving him another chance… He’s only sorry for getting caught and obviously if you never found these messages i am pretty sure he would have persued someone and cheated on you… Sorry bee… I don’t even know why you would consider giving him another chance…
Post # 4
Why do women always believe these guys when they say nothing physical ever happened? They all say nothing physical ever happened. I can’t thing of a single reason to believe that.
Post # 5
People can change. However, people who need to be “found out” are usually resistant to change. If he was truly sorry for what he did, he should have come clean sooner -not while you were engaged. So I am suspicious about him actually feeling regret over what he did -he does seem regretful to have been found.
If you want to stay with him you need to understand that he is the one who needs to work his butt off to regain your trust. This means, going to therapy (if he feels it is such a problem), opening his account to you, stop using Craiglist and any other things you both think might be helpful.
If you decide to stay with him also means you CAN NOT hold this over him and you are willing to 100% forgive him and 100% trust him again. It isn’t easy, but only you can tell if he is worth the hard job.
Post # 6
I think if someone can’t go three years without needing to sex other women, they can’t commit to a lifetime of not doing it. In my opinion this is cheating, it’s wrong, and it is not worth putting up with. I wouldn’t want to start a mariage this way.
Post # 7
LEAVE and never look back.
Post # 8
Post # 9
Why would you want to build a future with someone who would risk that future for something he says there “isn’t any meaning” in?
Everyone has different boundaries, but I can tell you right now that if anyone I was dating, engaged to, or married was doing this, they would be breaking my boundaries. I consider this cheating, as well as disrespectful, dishonest, disloyal, and a host of other things.
He sounds sorry that he got caught. He is doing this during a time you are engaged, what is supposed to be a rather blissful time. What happens when there is real stress on the relationship?
Of course he is a charmer. He is even charming you into thinking he might have some sort of uncontrollable medical or psychological issue that causes him to use Craiglist to contact women to sext with (and…hate to say it, but he likely HAS gotten physical at some point, or thought about it) and that well, damn it, if you love him you will stand by while he “works it out”.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t want to live my life wondering if I could trust my husband. Being suspicious of his every move would be exhausting.
Post # 11
My exH did this. And because we were married with children and a long history and he said he was looking for people to make him feel good about himself after several job losses, blah, blah, blah I agreed to counseling and stuck with him. And he was right back at it a couple of years and another job loss later.
ETA: My exH is, as PP suggested of this character-type, very, very charming. And as another PP stated trust is everything. My exH is on his third? fourth? actual, physical girlfriend since we divorced, who knows how many “virtual” women.
You are not married to this man, you have no children to tie you to him forever–cut your losses, Bee.
Post # 12
I say leave but that’s easy for me because it’s not my relationship. You love this man and there are people who have worked through worse.
Couseling is a must, probably couples and individual for him. I would also demand all passwords and complete access to phones, iPads, computers, etc.
Post # 13
My sister was in a similar situation, found emails between her ex and women he found on CL, flirting and some pictures. He claimed that he didn’t do anything with them. It was a few months before their wedding. He begged for her forgiveness and declared that he was a changed man. Sound familiar? 2.5 years into their marriage and a kid later, she found expungement papers, because he was arrested in the red light district, looking for some of these women he found on Craigslist. Yeah, with these people, looking is never enough, it will turn into touching and sex. Leave now and cost your losses before the losses get greater. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 14
That would still be cheating in my eyes. And I wouldn’t stand for it.
Post # 15
LEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE please. seriously. leave. If he cant be loyal during your engagment, good luck after a few years marriage. This guy is a dirt bag. Dont commit your life to that.