(Closed) Engaged and betrayed — Don't know if I should stay or leave, Advice please

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Fiance is "sexting" girls online, but says it has never gotten physical. Stay or Leave?

    You should work on your relationship together, you are engaged for a reason

    You should leave him, he will likely continue to talk to other girls

    If he hasn't done anything physical with other girls, it's not cheating

  • Post # 16
    Member
    11360 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    You should only stay with him because today, right now, he is the man you want to be with forever.

    You trust him implicitly, he has your best interests at heart, and you don’t want to change him. 

    So if you want to marry a man who messages other women and exchanges naked pictures with them, he’s your guy.

     

     

    Post # 17
    Member
    2329 posts
    Buzzing bee

    100% it isn’t only sexting. Usually, if someone can lie to your face and put in all the mental energy to hide craigslist surfing and emailing from their significant other, then they can lie and put mental energy into MUCH more. That’s why even small lies are a no-go for me.

    If he had come to you BEFORE you were “tied to him” by an engagement (yeah, it’s not legally binding, but there’s a certain amount of social cost to breaking an engagement and he knows that), confessed, explained his compulsions, was seeing a therapist of his own motivation ALREADY, etc, that would be a different story. 

    But he didn’t do that.

    He ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM.

    WHILE LYING TO YOUR FACE AND SNEAKING BEHIND YOUR BACK.

    He didn’t come to you and ask for help in “covercoming adversity,” (which this isn’t) he had to be found out. 

    While I 100% believe he’s already had physical encounters outside of your relationship, even if he hasn’t, he has been purposefully endagering y’all’s relationship and your trust and happiness by sending images of his body to women he very well COULD meet up with, and viewing images of THEIR bodies, and fantasizing about them. How is that not in every way cheating?

    Like pp have said… the quality of your life has a lot to do with the personal boundaries you set for yourself. If you accept asshole people into your inner circle, you will most likely have to deal with asshole repercussions. Lyers, manipulaters, etc… don’t let them into your inner circle. And if one gets in by accident, get them out asap, replace them with a non-asshole. For future you’s sake.

    Post # 18
    Member
    3323 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    This situation ISN’T different, stop trying to justify his behaviour with that excuse.

    He’s a cheater. He’s a liar. Do you actually want to marry someone who does this shit to you?

    Post # 19
    Member
    1154 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I hate to tell you this, bee, but my ExH did this, as well. I stayed with him after he claimed the accounts were old, before I knew him (saw e-mails from dating websites). I believed him. Fast forward and we were married. After a year he was on dating sites looking for hook-ups. I confronted him, he claimed he never did anything, I forgave and we worked on it. Fast forward 7 years and the birth of our child and he started visiting strip clubs, flirting/having inappropriate relationships with women at work and doing everything that he knew I would not be ok with.

    I’d say: save yourself the heartache and get out now. There are other fish in the sea! It’s hard to see it now, but speaking from experience, it’s true. I never thought I’d find someone better than my ex, but in hindsight, I was definitely settling.

    Post # 20
    Member
    4365 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  I agree with another poster. Why is he risking his relationship and the life the two of you have built for something that “doesn’t mean anything?” And I’m sorry, but if he wasn’t inclined to stop or confess, he is only stopping becuase he got caught and is scared. I think if you give this man a second chance, he will jump at the first opportunity to betray you. I do agree he needs counseling and he needs to get at the root of the problem, but I do not know if you should be there when he finds out. 

    Only you can decide if you believe him and if this is worth it. Personally, I see this as cheating and a massive betrayal. I wouldn’t want to spend my entire marriage side eyeing him every time he gets a notification on his phone, breaking into his email, obsessively reading his texts to make sure that there is nothing inappropriate. Because what if there is, but several years, a marriage, and a couple of kids down the road? Will it be the same cycle of cheating, getting caught, apologizing, promising to change, therapy, cheating, getting caught, etc.?

    Good luck, Bee.

    Post # 21
    Member
    352 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    When I experienced a cheating BF I left.

    An ex of mine sent very intimate emails to an ex-girlfriend of his. I found out the same way you did when he left his email open on the computer. I was 21/22 at the time and he was my first serious, live-in BF and I had no idea how to handle the situation. So, I stewed about is silently for 6 months and all the while he continued to email her and I continued to monitor the exchanges without him knowing. As time went on I got pissed and annoyed at things completely unrelated until one day it all came to a head and I confronted him. He denied it until I showed him the emails I had been smart enough to print out. 

    He was flustered and agreed to stop contacting her. Then a few days later he decided that this new arrangement was unfair and that I shouldn’t be allowed to dictate who he contacts. The funny thing is, he was right. The only thing I was allowed to do was decide my own actions in the relationship and my choices were a) accept his behavior and stay, or b) leave because his behavior is unacceptable. I chose to leave and it was honestly the best decision I ever made.

    Post # 22
    Member
    4839 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Fuck that. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    1887 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. More often than not, guys who pull crap like this continue to pull crap like this. Also, a lot of times in these situations, what you’re seeing is just the tip of the iceberg, and his infidelity goes much deeper than just emailing a few chicks one time. He’s already shown that he lies, so you can’t really believe anything he says about what he is or isn’t doing.

    If you really want to be with this person, I would make him put in WORK. Couples therapy for a year. Access to his cell and laptop at all times. Complete and total honesty. If he can’t do that, he’s out.

    Post # 25
    Member
    87 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2027

    I don’t think it’s fair to assume he’s lying about actually meeting up with the girls as some others have said. Regardless, I agree it’s cheating. Still, he was mature enough to admit it and admit he has a problem. If he’s suggesting counseling, I think you need to at least try that before leaving (maybe if you were just dating, but you’re already engaged..). The good news is you have a lot of time before the wedding to either work it out or decide its best to part ways. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    84 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  Don’t continue to put yourself through this emotional abuse, you deserve so much more. It will hurt you now to leave him but think ahead, imagine what it will do if you build a family with him…..

    Post # 27
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee

    <u>jaydee824 :</u>  Ok I am posting from my anonymous account for obvious reasons… I am still marrying my man who did this exact thing.

    Before other bees bash me, call me stupid or niave… I have to say, I felt like I would be all of those things if I stayed, but here is why I did…

    I just KNEW he would put this behind him. I dont know how I really knew, it wasn’t because he cried and pleaded, because he did, but it was probably because he made the change right away. I’m not explaining this right.

    So, my fiance had a past before me, he did porn to pay the bills. His life was very sexualized and his sexuality/body was the way he survived for a while. And when we met, his hightened sexual drive carried over into our relationship. Even though we were very much into each other and did it like bunnies (sorry TMI), I did not satisfy his urge. He turned to CL because that is what he would do in between reltionships in the past.

    When I found out, I was DEVISTATED! I wanted to break up, and we did for a a while so I can clear my head. Anyway, I thought about it and decided I would give him a chance but watch him like a hawk. He deleted the email account that was associated with CL. He deleted his Facebook (he had old “coworkers” on there). I had access to the new email we created together. And I was allowed to check his phone whenever I chose to.

    The first few months were hard but I didnt have to check on him for long cuz I never found anything past that day. No he did not have a secret email account or phone, he really did stop it all, we lived together and I checked everything! Its been almost 2 years. He’s been going to therapy. We’re now engaged, and I havent had to check up after him at all because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he has stopped. I am not saying your fiance will be like mine right away, cold turkey. So i think the wedding does need to be postponed until you can trust him again. But I wouldnt say give up right now, yes he cheated (we both recognized that him seeking sexual arousal from a live person who answers back not just porn, is cheating), but he can change if he truly feels like not losing you is much more important to him than this “habit”.

    If your man is a good man except for this flaw, I would say give it a chance. BUT do not be niave and assume he’s stopped. He has to prove it and right now! He needs to delete this addiction from his life cold turkey, otherwise, you will end up heart broken if you choose to stay. Good luck bee!

    Post # 28
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I have to agree with those who say that if this is happening during your ENGAGEMENT, then what should you expect after you have been married for several years? This is still supposed to be the romantic, honeymoon period, and he’s sexting other women for the high? I can only imagine the justifications he might use when he’s caught sleeping around after you’ve been married for a decade. Don’t begin your married life this way; you are setting your relationship up to fail if it is already faltering before you walk down the aisle.

    Post # 29
    Member
    2923 posts
    Sugar bee

     

    I could not/would not live with a man who showed such blatant disregard for me.  I’d rather live alone and have Ben & Jerrys  as my SO for a while.

    Post # 30
    Member
    9 posts
    Newbee

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  Seeking out other woman in any way (even as innocent as texting) is cheating, in my opinion. 

    Even when my relationship was going through a lot of problems, I could NEVER go and text another man. 

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