(Closed) Engaged and betrayed — Don't know if I should stay or leave, Advice please

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Fiance is "sexting" girls online, but says it has never gotten physical. Stay or Leave?

    You should work on your relationship together, you are engaged for a reason

    You should leave him, he will likely continue to talk to other girls

    If he hasn't done anything physical with other girls, it's not cheating

  • Post # 31
    Member
    133 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    If you had a daughter and this happened to her what would you say to her? I hope it is to leave.

    Post # 33
    Member
    971 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    We can all give you advice in terms of what we think we’d do. For me- I hope if something had happened like this while engaged, I would have walked away. I’d be unable to be comfortable and trust him. I hope I’d believe I deserved better.

    If you were married – I suppose I’d try to suggest working through it. 

    Only you can really decide. Yes-we all mess up and have flaws. But this one affects the very foundation of your relationship – trust, intimacy, loyalty, etc.

     IF you decide to stay – you need to decide what guidelines and concessions you’d need to make it work. Is it access to all his accounts? His passwords? Giving you a play by play of his days? Yeah you can do things to avoid making it possible for him to go and easily physically cheat. But do you want these mental games and always wondering?  And will you be standing next to him on your wedding day and be able to NOT have a flash of seeing him sitting at his computer getting sexts from other women?  Or knowing that he chose to deceive you and get a physical rush from another woman – while engaged to <u>you</u>?

    You might control behavior but whatever is going on is in his heart – he likes “the rush”…that desire for a rush will not go away.  This will be a hard road  if you stay, I would at least suggest putting off the wedding until you get a chance to evaluate if he’s really going to change and lives it out consistently for quite some time.  I’m really sorry 🙁 I know this is hearbreaking and tough!

     

     

    Post # 34
    Member
    2118 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I consider this a form of cheating and I can’t imagine how hurt you are.
    With that said, if you aren’t ready to end the relationship I would pursue counselling.

    Post # 35
    Member
    391 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    Leave now or your next message board will be Surviving Infidelity. This man will absolutely take it to the next level once the thrill of sexting wears off. 

    I absolutely consider sexting cheating.

    Post # 36
    Member
    129 posts
    Blushing bee

    I’m sorry to say this but you should leave. What he did was disrespectful to you and to your relationship. In my eyes, it’s still cheating. What may “not” be physical now could turn physical later, especially if he likes the adenaline rush. If you had never confronted him, he would have never told you and you would have never known what was going on behind your back. What he did was a breach of trust. Suggesting therapy only because he got caught. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    919 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I only got as far as your third sentence when I thought “nope!” Anything he’s doing before the wedding, he’ll do afterwards (or worse). Unless you decide you’re okay with this, I say get out now. Sorry that it happened, though. I can’t imagine. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    941 posts
    Busy bee

    I know it’s really easy to say leave when it’s not my relationship, and since you didn’t catch him physically cheating it’s hard to just go and not still have hope. 

    The thing is, even if you marry him, and even if he continues to be sweet and loving to you, he won’t stop sexting. Can you live a life where you are paranoid everyday about your husband, constantly wanting to check up on him, and hurting all the time whenever you find something? Can you put up with this behaviour? Some women are more open to this kind of thing and don’t mind. But can you? Even if he didn’t actually have sex, can you accept him “sexting” some other girls?

    Post # 39
    Member
    2900 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  Been there, done that, A big fat NOPE. Cut your losses right now. When you are wavering, ask yourself:

    Would YOU ever do this to him and think it’s OK?

    Thought so. Get out now.

     

    Post # 40
    Member
    1290 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    arosebyanyothername : OMG! hilarious! :)… and I do love me some Ben and Jerry’s.

    OP… I am sorry but even if he hasn’t physically done something, he’s betrayed you at a time when things are supposed to be wonderful! (Engaged, looking forward to a lifetime together….) If this is what he is doing NOW…. what is going to be going on when one of you loses a job? A parent dies? You are grumpy because you’ve been up all night with a howling colicy baby? 

    He has demonstrated that he’s not trustworthy and reliable. You deserve a whole lot better, bee. I am sorry.

     

    Post # 41
    Member
    139 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    Ew. Ew. Ew. Bee you deserve better. Would YOU do this to someone you were going to marry?!

    No.

    I’d be thanking my lucky stars I found out about this now and not later…as I was drowning myself in wine and ice cream sorrows. Then going on a health binge and finding someone who isn’t a scumbag. Hugs!

    Post # 42
    Member
    380 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2017

    View original reply
    sassy411 :  this!!

    Post # 43
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    First, I am sorry you are going through this, since I know what it feels like to be in your shoes. I will say my ex husband did the same thing your man has been doing. He liked chatting online with women a couple of years into our marriage. Seemed somewhat innocent in the beginning and I forgave him even though I felt there was more going on. Well, a couple of years later, I found out he was one of those who liked browsing through Ashley Madison! He was also texting women he met through Craigslist! We have a daughter together, so for her sake, we went to counseling and tried to work on our marriage. But we couldn’t. I couldn’t trust him. I would check his phone and his email and find things in there. We couldn’t save the marriage, even for our daughter, because there was no trust or respect left. 

    I’m not saying your relationship is this, but if you really want to try to make things work, you need to stop wedding planning and you need to put him almost on probation. You can go to counseling, but he really needs to put in the work. Don’t talk about the wedding or the future. Focus on now, and see if he really means what he says. And listen to your instincts and your gut if something looks suspicious or if you feel like he’s not being honest. Your gut is likely right. Good luck bee. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    361 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    jaydee824 :  my ex-H made the same nonsensical claim. Said it was only texting, never physical. Took me mos to get him to finally admit that it had been physical. He’d been doing it for years before me, while w me, and continued doing it after I found out and after he swore he hadn’t and wouldn’t. ETA: he gave me full access to his phone, laptop, and iphone location and it still took mos for me to catch him at anything. Not worth it. And I’m super lucky to not have caught any stds from him – do you want to risk your health? Do you feel comfortable marrying someone who is fine risking their own health and yours while never mentioning it or discussing it? Does what he did meet your criteria of what you want in a partner? Some things are dealbreakers and not for “working through”

    No man goes on Craigslist just for penpals. They go on there to find prostitutes for sex – that is who’s there. And the men (including your FI) know that. It isn’t for texting buddies. If you aren’t sure, go and take a look. If I were you, there is zero chance I’d marry this guy. Don’t be me – waiting to leave until I figured nearly everything out about his lies (it took almost a year of marriage and was way more effort than he was worth. He was also claiming to be truthful and wasting my time in counseling as I became a detective, shrink, and master strategist to get him to slowly admit to me the insane depth of his issues cheating.

    Post # 45
    Member
    667 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Yeah, they all say nothing physical ever happened, because they know it’s what you want to hear. You only know because you found out- he hasn’t been honest with you thus far, so why would he admit to any further wrongdoing? Even if he never did physically cheat, that “all I want is you” line is bullsharks. With every one of those women, and every one of those conversations, he had time to consider the consequences. More than once, he thought about the kind of damage his actions would cause in your relationship, about betraying your trust, and about how hurt you’d be if you found out, and decided the immediate thrill of their attention was worth it. That’s emotional cheating. When he thinks you won’t know, he’s selfish and dishonest, and is willing to throw love and commitment to the wind for the temporary and immediate gratification something shiny and new provides. You deserve better than that, and he needs to sort out his priorities because right now, he’s not husband material. I would cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of men out there that don’t depend on Craigslist women for validation. 

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