(Closed) Engaged and Confused

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@amyxb:  If your uncomfy with the whole situation and he said he understands and you dont have to move then you shouldnt feel bad. HHis dad can find someone else to rent the carriage house. LOTS of ppl do that I cant see why he wouldnt.  I Can understand the guilt (im pretty much doing the same thing except my fiance and I  plus our kids, his sister and her 4 kids and his mom are all moving into a massive house together cus his mom is sick and cant work anymore. I dont mind, but privacy is a huge issue of mine aswell) But yeah.. if your that uncomfy with it then just stick with what your guts telling you. Otherwise you’ll be unhappy living there and nothing good will come from it

Post # 5
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

if it would be unconfortable for you, you guys have the right to find another place, dont feel bad 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@amyxb:  maybe you could change the locks in the part of the house you’re going to live? or have a chat with his dad or put a sign that says “KNOCK FIRST” on your door?

i wouldnt like to live with my in-laws, tbh :S

Post # 8
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

AHHH DON’T DO IT.  THIS IS A RECIPE FOR DISASTER.

Trust me.  I’ve been living with my Fiance for 2 1/2 years with my parents.  Thankfully, it’s only the 4 of us, but let me tell you, there are times when IT IS BAD.  BAD.  Bad.  My parents are always in our business and we never have privacy or enough space.  You’re always on top of someone else and you can never just “get away” for a minute.  At one point, we lived with my parents in a 6 bedroom house and we had 3 full bedrooms upstairs and my parents had 3 bedrooms downstairs.  This worked fine, or better than the other 2 houses we’ve lived in, where Fiance and I were confined to one room.  Our room is always a mess because we have no where to put things.  Our sex life has suffered.  We fight a lot because we’re on top of each other and there’s no where to just step into the other room and relax. 

This is bad news.  Don’t do it. We are 1 week away from getting our own place, but it couldn’t come soon enough.  The only way I would recommend this is if you lived for free and were saving up a down payment.  We weren’t paying my parents any rent and didn’t have any mortgage in our names, so it helped us to save a lot of money.  Otherwise, though, there is no way in heck this would have ever been okay with me.  And I’m VERY close to my parents and love them a lot and my mom is like my bestie, but sometimes it’s just too close for comfort and some things are better left alone. 

If you feel bad about the ultimatum, talk to your Fiance and apologize for giving him an ultimatum, but don’t apologize for not wanting to live there.  You’re 1000000% right for not wanting to!!!

Post # 11
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@amyxb:  WHAT?!  That is insane.  And unfair.  You are never going to move out of that house if you spend that much fixing it and then on rent, paying for it. Plus, I see a huge problem in the future when your FI’s dad passes.  Whose name is the deed of the house under vs who has been paying the mortgage the whole time?  Do you see where I am going?  Your Fiance will be paying rent, but your dad will own the house and who knows what he will do with it in his will, or if he will even have a will.  This is definitely something you would want in writing.  And no one wants to mix business with pleasure.  This is BAD NEWS.  DON’T DO IT. 

Post # 12
Member
695 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

No way! Do not feel guilty, that is an excessive amount of rent if that is not a luxury penthouse overlooking Central Park!

Post # 13
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

I agree with PP’s, DO NOT DO THIS lol. Especially if your Fiance is ok with you guys not doing this, DEFINITELY DO NOT. I currently live with my Fiance who still lives at home. I am in between a career change and unfortunately I can’t afford to live on my own. They are wonderful, beautiful people inside and out, and I adore them. They treat me like an adult (well, in every way except that Fiance and I can’t share a bed, but hey, their house, their rules.) Despite all these good things, as soon as possible I will be moving out and then when we are married Fiance and I will live on our own!!!!

It sounds like the dad is hoping to slightly guilt trip you and your Fiance into a bit of a trap… once you move in, how many times might he say that he can’t afford for you guys to move out? He has his own key and can’t change the locks, which says to me it will be WAY too easy for him to invade your privacy on his own whims. It sounds like he might be in financial trouble and is almost insisting that it’s your FI’s responsibility to take care of him. As much as you love family and want to help out, it is NOT your FI’s responsibility to take on ANY of his dad’s finances.

Post # 14
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@amyxb:  Its not a problem! You cant let him guilt you like that, if theres a medical reason that he actually can not work n pay for his bills then yes, I can understand that. If he has to rent to someone else then im sure he will. If you let this happen now, it could possibly effect everything else in your life. If he has to take over his fathers payments how are you going to have your own house someday? Id just let your fiance talk to him. He’s already said that its fine so he’ll find a way to tell his dad.

Post # 15
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@amyxb:  You need to be in your own space.  If you continue to live with your in-laws, you will have no privacy in the house, you will have no say in what goes on there (because it’s THEIR house, not yours), you will be cleaning up after everyone else’s mess, you will be buying groceries for everyone in that house, you will not get to have or use much of your own things (ie. your own furniture, your own china, your own cookware, etc.), and it can be very difficult trying to keep the peace under these circumstances.  I know because I lived it.  I lived with my mother-in-law and two of my brothers-in-law for a year before I got married, and as much as I love my mother-in-law, I wasn’t happy there.  I can practically guarantee that you won’t be happy living like that either.

I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are (if any), but there is a quote in the Bible that really does apply to this situation:  “A man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife” (Genesis 2:21).  Basically, what this is saying is that when a man gets married, he leaves his old family to form a new family with his wife.  It’s truly unfortunate that your father-in-law cannot afford his house on his own, but that really isn’t YOUR problem, nor should it be your fiance’s.  Of course, you do what you can to help family, but sacrificing your marriage is just not something you can afford to do.  Your father-in-law needs to understand that his son is a grown man now who is about to start a life of his own with his wife.  My advice is to help in whatever ways you can, but make it clear that you just can’t live together.

Post # 16
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@amyxb:  Woah!  I just saw the part about $2000-3000 rent and additional 10K to fix the place up!  There is absolutely NO way that I’d be paying a small fortune like that for the INCONVENIENCE of living with someone else’s family!  You can get your own house for that kind of money!  Your future father-in-law has unfair and unrealistic expectations.

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