(Closed) Engaged and crushing on another man? I hate this!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Tell him to stop it and mean it. Then ignore him completely. If he continues tell him you will report him at work for harrassment.

Post # 5
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@weddingbee12345:  It sounds like you won’t be able to make the feelings go away from what you’ve said. 

If you can’t change your feelings you need to change your circumstances.

Or on the flip side, are you hoping someone will tell you that you should listen to your feelings? 

Post # 7
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would get serious about cutting him out of your life. You may have to see him everyday but you shouldn’t talk to him. Ignore him like a PP said and make sure he knows this is not a game. 

Post # 8
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

DId you date this man at all before your fiance? Do you see yourself with this “crush” at all in the future?

If you cant get him out of your mind, you either need to date him (break up with your fiance) or absolutely cut him out of your life (Stop speaking to him and avoid him at all costs. Possibly find a new job.)

This sounds like a tough situation, I am sorry.

Post # 9
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@weddingbee12345:  No one is going to be able to give you a miracle answer. You just need to change your circumstances or keep fighting the feelings.

Post # 10
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@weddingbee12345:  Ok well if you’re not looking for someone to tell you to lose your fiance that’s good.

 I would suggest every time you think about him, think about how upset your fiance would feel if he knew. Or think about how upset you would feel if you thought your fiance felt like that about someone else.

 

Post # 11
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You need to be really firm with him and tell him to stop (if you haven’t already). Furthermore, you need to start keeping track of what he’s saying and how uncomfortable you feel with it, because if he works with you, then you can definitely report him to your supervisor for sexual harrassment.

“Look, [name], you’ve been saying a lot of things that are making me feel uncomfortable (give some examples), so I’m going to ask you now to stop. I really don’t want this to make things awkward between us, given that we work together and are neighbours, so I hope we can just carry on as coworkers/neighbours without any complications.”

If he continues, just say something like “I told you on [date] to stop with this kind of behaviour, you haven’t stopped, so I’m going to have to take it to [supervisor]. I’m sorry that it’s come to this level, but you’re aware that this makes me uncomfortable and you still haven’t stopped.”

If there are any witnesses to this behaviour, try to talk with them in advance and check that they would be willing to back you up. Also, if you have any physical evidence (texts, emails, etc.), then make sure you hang onto that as well.

Post # 12
Member
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@weddingbee12345:  “I have told him to leave me alone many times, but its not working. I see him every day because we’re neighbors and work together”

Do you need to talk to him at work? If not, give him the cold shoulder. Ignore him and as far as possible don’t tallk to him. Give short and rude replies, to make it clear his flirting is not welcome.

If you do need to talk to him at work, keep it short and to the point. “Businesslike” not friendly.

If he continues to try to talk when it’s not welcome, you could report him for harassment.

Post # 13
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@weddingbee12345: You’ve been fighting your feelings for THREE years? Oh, hun. Why are you even engaged? What makes you so confident about your choice to marry your fiance when you have such strong feelings for another man? You are being unfair not only to your fiance, but to YOURSELF. 

This will not go away once you are married. This needs to be dealt with before you take on something as serious as marriage and cause even greater damage. 

To let you know where I’m coming from – I struggled with the same feelings before my boyfriend and I got engaged. There was one guy from my past who kept coming back, who kept forcing me to ask myself that dangerous question – “What if?” I realised that it wasn’t him who was forcing his way into my heart – I was allowing him that space by refusing to let go of those feelings. Because it felt oh-so-good to be chased by someone, because that danger was alluring.

But you know what? I found at the same time that someone very, very close to me had been unfaithful to her husband. I cannot tell you how incredibly painful that was. As someone who was very close to the couple, I had to deal with learning how to forgive the woman for the damage she wreaked on her husband and children. And as a woman who was on the cusp of a precarious situation, I had to learn to STEP AWAY from my feelings from another guy because I realised just how much damage I could cause… not only to my boyfriend but to MY family, HIS family, and to MYSELF.

Please step away from this while you can, or at least be willing to acknowledge that you need to work some things out before thinking about marriage.

Post # 14
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@weddingbee12345:  And just as other posters have said, if he is harrassing you, take action against it. 

It is such a tough situation and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with it.

Post # 15
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

@weddingbee12345:  I agree with everyone about just not talking to him. Enough is enough, you need to choose your fiance now if you love him that much. 

As for you, if its physical attraction – accept that you are attracted to him and its natural to be attracted to other human beings as opposed to treating it like some big dirty secret. Maybe then, those rose tinted glasses will come off when you stop running away from him and properly face it – youll see hes not all that. 

For example, theres this guy at my work, hes quite frankly hot, Fiance is a million miles away. OK hes beautiful and kind but when you really look at him – he would be good for one fling. Hes very immature and would not be able to hold me intellectually for a minute. No longer really thinking about him. Nice guy though. 

 

Post # 16
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I had a situation like this once. I was a server and he would come in to my work at night when I was the only one there and smooth talk me. He was also that bad boy type and wanted to “give me the world”. I quit my job and less than a month later i realized how absolutely terrible it was to have feelings for him and felt so bad. I am so glad I quit and came to that realization when i did. I honestly dont know what would have happened otherwise. By The Way, it was after about a year of this happening before i quit.

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