Post # 1
Hey girls, I’m going anon for this post because I don’t want my fiance to find any trace of this..
I want to start off by saying how absolutely horrible I feel that I’m even in the postion to be writing this. I’ve been with my fiance for almost 8 years, we’ve been engaged for about 6 months. I do love him to the ends of the earth, he is a good guy who treats me really well, works hard and wants me to be happy. His best friend is also my best friend, I actually introduced them when we were still kids in elementary school so we’ve all been really close for a lot of years, for this thread we’ll call my fiance S and the friend K. K and I have had a pretty much completely platonic relationship since childhood, minus one drunken kiss when we were in high school, and then everything changed. On my birthday this august S, K and I all went out to celebrate, and I can’t explain how the conversation ended up in us having a threesome, I’m normally pretty conservative and the thought of a threesome had never crossed my mind really, one thing lead to another and we all eventually ended up in bed together. After it happened I honestly didn’t feel that anything had changed, I felt a little awkward knowing K had seen me naked but other than that I thought things would totally stay the same. Its been a few months and we have actually all started to live together (K is renting a room from S and I) and I have started to develop really strong feelings for K and I can’t seem to shake them. I feel this serious connection to him that I can’t explain. The worst part is I’m starting to wonder if the feelings are mutual. Sometimes I catch him staring, and I think he’s flirting with me but its hard to tell because of our long standing friendship I can’t tell if hes just being my friend or what. I feel so awful.. its absolutely killing me, He is the best man in our wedding.. I just dont know what to do. I dont know how to force myself to stop feeling things for him. My fiance has no idea and I have no idea if K knows anything about how I’m feeling. I definitely havent said anything to him about it..
I’m sorry for the rambling, but I havent told ANYONE about ANYTHING including the threesome, not even my best friends or sisters because i don’t want the judgement.. what should I do? Please someone help..
Post # 3
Ignore your warm fuzzy feelings for K, get him out of your home PRONTO and remind yourself that since you’ve had so much time to decide weather or not you wanted to be with him and didn’t, that it’s probably the allure of what’s forbidden rather than him….
Post # 5
@spillingfinally: From a mans point of view, when you did the threesome, it opens the door wide open for it to happen again. I bet K wouldnt say no if the opportunity arises again but im sure S will have other ideas. Remain friends cause if you play with fire you will get burnt and you could be the one to lose them both.
The best solution is to ask S that when you get married that you need a home for just the 2 of you.
Ask yourself a simple question – Can i live my life without S?, If it is a yes then dont marry him. If no then do.
best of luck to you.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@Nona99: Another vote for this. You are just asking to destroy your relationship by living with this guy! The thrill of the “naughty” can be quite alluring and it can make you forget how much you actually love the normal, perfect guy in your life. Kick K out, give it a few months, and then if you’re still hung up on him, have a serious talk with your fiance…
This is a shitty situation and I wish you luck in handling it!
Post # 7
You guys need to get him out of there. Especially after what happened. Also – I think you should talk to your Fiance about this. I understand your hesitation, so I wouldn’t say necessarily that you should bring up your feelings, but I would at least explain that it is making you uncomfortable and that things feel kinda off. Who knows, maybe he thinks so too and hasn’t said anything? That could at least get the ball rolling in the right direction.
Post # 8
@happyscot thank you, I think i need some perspective from a man. I would hate to lose either of them, because they both play such a substantial role in my life, but when it comes down to it, S comes first and has to. I do love him, and in the 8 years we’ve been together I have never doubted my desire to be completely faithful to him. I just don’t know why suddenly i have all these diffferent feelings and why i can’t just swallow them and make them go away 🙁
Post # 9
I believe the universe brings people into our lives for a reason. If not as a blessing, then as a lesson. Tread carefully, but listen to what your gut, mind and heart are telling you.
Post # 10
@StephieBee: He moved into our home in on November 1st, and this happened in August. My fiance has total trust in both of us and never hesitated when he asked to rent a room from us. I just don’t want to lose either of them, especially not my fiance and i don’t want him to be hurt by these feelings I can’t control.
Post # 11
This is why sexual encounters involving other people outside the relationship tend to get messy.
Sex is extremely complex and emotional (the oxytocin- the same hormone released during childbirth and breastfeeding- released during orgasm is evidence of that) and it’s pretty much impossible to have sex with someone and expect *not* to have feelings later. -I’ll qualify this by saying that a lot of Bees probably disagree with me, and I respect that, but that’s my take on it.
If you want to save your relationship with your Fiance, you need to tell him about your feelings, and you probably also unfortunately need to end the friendship with K.
That’s probably the last thing you want to do, seeing as you’re all so close to K as a friend, but unfortunately once those feelings are there, you can’t just ‘take them back’ and act like they never existed.
And you FOR SURE need to get him out of your house.
Post # 12
@spillingfinally: It’s called Lust. We all like the thrill and since you have been in a relationship for 8 years i bet you still like the fact that another guy likes you. Its natural to feel wanted but you have to keep K at arms lenght until these feelings go away. Men can sense when a girl is vunerable and can be taken advantage of. Damn ive had brief naughty thoughts about other women but as soon as i think about how much i love my woman they soon go away. Its not worth risking 8 years for lust for true love.
Post # 13
There are many issues involved in your situation. You are engaged to marry one man, while you believe you are developing strong feelings for another. To compound this matter, you are sharing a residence with both men, one in a romantic relationship, the other in a friendship/tenant capacity. Finally, both you and your Fiance have a close emotional relationship with the “other man.” (Because my personal beliefs differ strongly from yours with respect to the shared physical relationship that developed, I will refrain from addressing that issue in this comment.)
One thing that is important to note is that you and your Fiance, though together for eight years and currently engaged, are not married. Because of this, even though you both apparently have long believed you were in a committed relationship, no marrige vows have been exchanged — at least not legally, and, technically, you both are free to change your minds and pursue a relationship with someone else, the pain of a potential breaking of an engagement notwithstanding.
Although you cannot control how either man will respond to this situation, only you can choose what direction you personally want to take.
If you do not want to, or cannot, permanently set aside and overcome your feelings for K (and, to do this, I don’t think there is any way K can remain in your home or in the roles he has been playing in either of your lives) and focus entirely on your pending marriage to S, I believe you cannot continue to move foward with your wedding plans. Even if things ultimately do not work out with K, it would be unfair of you to allow S to assume that all is well in your relationship when clearly it is not.
Post # 14
I don’t think anyone addressed your relationship with K. Sometimes I think women without a lot of male friends have a hard time understading the friendship between a guy and a girl who aren’t in a relationship. My best friend is male so I think I can better understand your hesitation to end your friendship with him. This is such an awful situation, and I hope you can find some solution without too many hearts being broken. Remember how temporary the feeling of lust can be, and how deep rooted your love with your husband to be is. Don’t hate yourself for feeling things that are out of your control, it’s not your fault.
Post # 15
@Nona99: My exact thoughts.
Post # 16
Eek. This is hard. You need to make the decision; stay with Fiance or not… If you decide you can’t live without Fiance then find a way to kick out K and not hang out with him as much.