(Closed) engaged and fighting more

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

We have been together for 5 years, engaged for 2, and we just moved in together last June, so there are fights almost everyday- usually about something stupid but we cant stay mad at each other for more than a couple of minutes. I’ve tried, and its impossible.

My advice is never to go to bed angry and talk it out. Don’t let your relationship be strained because of things that haven’t even happened yet (wedding, furniture). Work on the now.

Good luck

Post # 4
1 posts
  • Wedding: April 2010

My fiance and I have been arguing more since our december 2008 engagement. Im moving in with him but right now when we argue hes always trying to get my stuff out of his apt and then we make up and im left with my stuff in bags. at times i am afraid to move in with him for fear of being kicked out when he gets mad at me. he told me that he only does that now because i havent moved in but when i do move in he will just leave the apt until he calms down. my father is against him and i moving in together before marriage and that adds stress to me and was a great deal of our arguments last month. i finally decided to just tell my dad that im moving out and let him think that im getting my own apt until i marry sometime this fall or early spring next year. i love my fiance and i love my dad. my mom is the only one who supports my 100%. i really do want to move in with my fiance but i dont want there to be drama between my father and i either.

Post # 5
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

<font size=”2″ color=”#81a026″>mpacif</font> and butterly78 – I would suggest you guys consider pre marital couples counseling. The way you guys fight it sounds like you could use some help improving your communication skills.  Your Fiance packing up your bags when he gets angry at you is a pretty immature way to display anger.  Marriage requires good communication and compromise, and although the engagement period can be stressful sometimes, it sounds like you guys could use some help learning how to fight "betteR" with the men you love. 

Post # 6
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I think that first of all, you BOTH have to think about how important the things are that you’re fighting about.

Your STUFF for example. Furnishings. Who really cares about them? Why do *you* care about yours? What makes *him* care about his? Obviously, if it’s some kind of family heirloom antique chair or something, you’ll want to keep that. But the two of you need to sit down and talk about why you’re fighting with the one you love over something as trivial as which couch you keep. Maybe you can each make a case for yours, if they’re that important to you. When my man and I moved in together, we kept most of my furniture and he gave his to his former roomate. The roommate needed a place to sit, and I had a place for us to sit. Then, since my furniture had old memories, we saved some money and got rid of it too, opting for some new furniture we picked out together. I’m SURE one of you has a friend or family member who’s in need of a good piece of furniture. You could also try craigslist or the paper and sell a nice piece for a few hundred bucks (hello, wedding budget!). Or, do what I did and give it to charity. The stuff you’re fighting over cramming in to your place might be a godsend for a needy family, AND you get a tax deduction for the donation (get a receipt & estimated value of the piece).

Now, your wedding. Consider your feelings and his. How do these fights start? Is it because one of you dreams of something for the wedding, but the other of you thinks it’s dumb or unimportant? Or are they budget related? In these cases, I like to step back and ask myself who’s being irrational. Sometimes (surprise surprise) it’s me, and I have to be humble about it and realize (for example) that maybe $3000 IS too much to spend on a dress when the full budget is $10,000. Wedding planning is an awesomely stressful task for a couple to undertake, and I think it definitely tests your communication and compromizing skills.

Same goes for sex life – think about who’s being selfish, and who needs to compromise (usually it’s not cut and dry – it’s both of you who need to do some compromising and consider each other’s feelings). 

Have you considered couples counseling? I think you  should definitely do it – most of your arguing sounds like it could be solved by some lessons in how to communicate through disagreements. The man and I have also read some books – books like 101 things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married. They’ve been so helpful – even for us, who have lived together for over a year and thought we had it down pretty well.



Post # 7
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

we might fight a little more, but we also get over sooner and are much better and calming down, calling eachother back and discussing things normally.  The last month or so it has gotten much better!

Getting married can be stressful, I’m sure that’s having a lot to do with the increased tension in your relationship  Remember this is a big day, but preparing for marriage  is more important that planning for the wedding or buying furniture.  Pre-marital counseling was a big help to me and fi–to gauge eachother’s expectations, learn how to communicate with eachother and how best to deal with fights.  Remember to keep things in perspective.  Don’t let temporary things get in the way of your long-term relationship!

Post # 8
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I wanted to add some personal experience to this. When the man and I moved in together, we would get in to arguments almost daily. It wasn’t even really about anything major, we’d just disagree and get all huffy about it. I was crying over trivial little issues several times a week. Some of that’s probably hormone related – I’d gone off BC and started the IUD, and so my hormones were going crazy for a few months there trying to adjust. But still. It occurred to me recently that we haven’t had a cry-worthy issue in months. It’s because we sat down together and identified the problem: communication. We were not used to each other’s style of communication. We encouraged ourselves to take a step back and be able to question each other’s motives when we felt hurt by something that was said.

So for example, he’d say something, and I’d feel offended or put down by it. I’d say "I don’t want to get upset, but what you said made me feel terrible/angry/worthless." Then he’d usually be totally surprised! His response would be something like "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way, I thought it was a compliment to you." Then I’d explain that my [Ex/Friend/Relative/etc] said things like that, and they were always meant to be hurtful. And we’d talk about it. He’d say "here’s why I felt this would compliment you". So, we both come away from the situation with new knowledge about each other and our backgrounds/thought processes, PLUS no tears or anger!

It takes a lot of patience, and a willingness to lose your pride and say you’re sorry. It’s WAY too easy to go on defensive and respond to a "what you said hurt me" with a defensive "how dare you accuse me of hurting you" type of thing. But if you swallow that pride, you’re so much better off as a couple. We both do this when we need to, and it’s helped us IMMENSELY. And plus if, for example, he were to make a similar comment in the future, I’d then know his feelings about it and be able to take it as he intended it. On the flipside, he knows I’m sensitive to such a comment, so he may consider his wording before delivering it.

Post # 9
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Lots of good advice here, so I won’t repeat.  I’ll just add that you might want to check out the book, "Nonviolent Communication". 


Especially after moving in together we fought constantly about stupid things.  I really feel like this book offers a great advice on how to turn difficult conversations into more productive interactions.  It’s really changed the way I interact with everyone, b/c it provides a framework for thinking about communication as a way of expressing needs.  Of course we still fight, but it makes things easier.

We also went to a couples workshop where we learned about a technique (but I can’t recall the name).  The main concept, though, is that each person says their whole piece, and the other one repeats it as they understand it, and then respond.  You can’t interrupt/correct the other person utnil its your turn.  It’s good to practice on easier issues (like who does the dishes etc) first.


Post # 10
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh, I found a like on the Active Listening technique.  This description is more about parents and teens, but some of the concepts are pretty universal.


Post # 11
142 posts
Blushing bee

We’ve been fighting a lot more too – but it’s more that he’s recently moved to my country and is having to adjust to a whole new living situation, I’m having to learn how to have someone much more dependent on me, and we’re both going through grad school, rather than the fairly laid-back jobs we had when we met. So it’s just a more stressful time of life for both of us, and we’re struggling to find ways to communicate about how tough it is without fighting. Hopefully it’s just a transition period and in a few months things will be a little easier!

Post # 12
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

My Fiance and I have been together for almost 5 years and got engaged in October 08, we have been living together for over 1 yr & half…..strangely we also find ourselves in more arguments ever since the engagement. I think its a mental thing, I find myself overanalyzing him, and when he does something or says something that I don’t like I think "can I live with this for the rest of my life," when in fact hes been doing these things for the past 5 years and it never bothered me.

We are really open about our thoughts and feelings and he feels the same way, he is overanalyzing me too, we are both being VERY nitpicky which leaves us arguing alot about ALL topics not just the wedding. IMO our situation is normal and healthy for that matter, it proves to us that we both take marriage very seriously and we both know that even though I "hate when he spills something on the counters and doesn’t clean it up" and he "hates it when I leave my shoes laying around" these are by no means deal breakers and we truly can’t wait to marry each other 🙂

Understand that during this time of being engaged, which just adds stress anyway, it is normal to argue more often, and just as long as you both are respectful to one another in your disagreements you guys will be fine. Also as one final suggestion would be to talk about it, if you feel your arguments are stemming from overanalyzing & nitpicking ask him if feels that way too, once that air is cleared up it helps you to be more concious of it, thus leading to less arguments 🙂

Post # 13
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I recommend His Needs/Her Needs By Dr. Willard Harley and his son Steve.  They are incredible!  I follow this mindset andview of relationships.

Post # 14
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

There is some great advice here, so I’ll just tell you my experience —

Yes, we fought more after the engagement, and then it subsided just before the wedding.  We fought once on the honeymoon.  The first 3 months of marriage we fought constantly, and now 5 months into it we hardly fight at all, but we still fight and I still cry. I think for us our fights increase as our stress levels increase.  I am expecting another bought of fighting now that we are looking to buy a house.

good luck!

Post # 15
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I have to agree with AnnieAAA. In my case, I feel myself overanalyzing, and reading ALOT deeper into the things West Coast Groom is saying and doing than is actually there.  Because of that, he’s become resistant to taking some of my deeper feelings seriously because how do you hear the ones that are most important when someone is expressing analysis/feelings constantly? The result is that we are really struggling with talking things through, but I know that for four years before getting engaged, we did all kinds of deep negotiating and compromising–we bought our home together, combined all our stuff, and he supported me through finishing my degree and finding my way to the right job after university.  We’ve done lots of things as a team, but I think the pressure of naming our relationship as a marriage has made me both excited and scared (I have real fears of having an unhappy marriaged like my parents).  I know that four, five months ago, I had lots of clarity on these matters and West Coast Groom and I were secure and happy in our partnership, so I’m chalking this up to being 3 month away from the big day and not leaving enough of our time and energy for our relationship as I’m so busy preparing. 

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