(Closed) engaged and miserable

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1429 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@adams82:  You need to call the wedding off until BOTH of you can agree on what you BOTH want. 

i should mention that we both agree that we’re not happy.

Then why are you guys getting married? Is she just going along with this just so she can finally say taht shes married? A divorce will cost a whole heck of a lot more then to just call it off now… 

Post # 4
3273 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I haven’t called off a wedding, but I can tell you it will be hard. From friends’ experiences, it’s embarrassing and painful, and the closer to the wedding, the worse it gets. However, it’s better than a divorce down the line. Don’t move ahead and marry her if you aren’t happy. Marriage is never a cure for problems you already have 

Post # 5
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@adams82:  Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  While any decision you make is an extremely personal one, I can tell you this:

If my husband-to-be felt this way, I would want him to break it off.  I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t really want to be with me.

Calling off the wedding/splitting up will be hard, of course, but this doesn’t sound like cold feet.  It sounds like you were shover down a path you never wanted.  Now is the time to get out, if you want out.  Divorce is even less fun.

Post # 6
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

call off the wedding. hard, but easier than a divorce

Post # 7
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Laurenplusalex:  +1

I also have not called off a wedding, but one of my best friends did.  I will be honest — it was extremely hard for her, and yes, she honestly did not see how she was going to survive – losing him, the embarassment – all of it.  But, people were so supportive and understanding.  People want you happy, and they recognize that if you guys aren’t happy, then you’re doing the best thing by calling it off.  It is SO much better to do this now, than to get a divorce later.

Best of luck to you, I know this is so hard.

Post # 8
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No one can force you to get married, so if you don’t want to then you need to put your foot down and not go along with it. Yes, this could mean the end of your relationship but it could not. It’s a chance you’re going to have to take because it doesn’t sound like getting married is a good choice right now.  Marriage doesn’t magically change what’s already been happening. It only makes it more difficult to leave.

Post # 9
6386 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@adams82:  ruining a dream is better than ruining a life.  Lots of weddings get postponed, cancelled, etc.

Post # 10
8700 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@adams82:  The best advice I ever got was: You lose some stuff during a break-up, a lot when you break an engagement, but nothing compares to the financial devastation that divorce causes.”

It’s way smarter (and cheaper) to call it off now than it to pull a runner on the wedding day, or to full-out divorce in a year!

Post # 11
15 posts
  • Wedding: December 2013

@adams82:  I am about to be married for the second time, and I had a TON of doubt about the relationship going into my first marriage.  I wish I had postponed/cancelled and spent the time focusing on that relationship rather than just going through with a wedding because it was already planned.  In my opinion, if you are not sure you want to be in this relationship as it is right now for the rest of your life, you should not go through with a wedding.  The cost and emotional toll of postponing or cancelling is a lot less than what you will go through if you end up divorcing later.  I can relate that you feel pressure to follow through with your plans, and the alternative just seems so difficult, but you and your fiancee should stop worrying about the wedding right now, and focus on the future of your relationship.  You’ll be so much happier about the whole event if you are able to resolve your current issues first.

Post # 12
938 posts
Busy bee

As someone who called off a previous engagement and wedding,and is, 15 years later preparing to marry the most incredible person I’ve ever met, all I have to say is if you are unhappy now, it won’t get better and you need to do what you know in your heart is right for you. Personally, I felt amazing when it was finally over and I was free to find my own happiness (though the lead up was hard).

Post # 13
140 posts
Blushing bee

I would call off your wedding, or at least postpone it (that might be a much lighter announcement), I can tell you from experience that if you just go along with the flow of things like this, you will only become more and more miserable and it will haunt your mind having these doubts. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and you shouldn’t let her dreams or feelings dictate something as serious as whether or not you’re ready. 

On the other hand, if you feel like this is something that is habitual for you, like you have issues with commitments like this, maybe take some time to yourself, like a guys weekend or something, and just reflect on what you really want. IE – can you see yourself without this person? Do you think you would find happiness from some time apart? Do you see yourself HAPPY being married with this person?

I think at the very least – you should just take time for yourself, for both of you really, and have some time apart and see what it is that you want and that makes you happy. 

Wish you the best, doll!

Post # 14
656 posts
Busy bee

@adams82:  a lot of people call off engagements. really, a lot do.

it will suck. it will hurt. you will be called every name under the sun and you will be embarrassed.

but time will heal all that, and you won’t be married to someone you wish you weren’t married to.

you know what’s more embarrassing? saying you got divorced after 6 months. having your new girlfriend wonder if she’s special enough because you were willing to marry someone else who didn’t make you happy – why is she any different?

calling off the wedding shows BALLS and althought it WILL be REALLY hard right now, your entire life will be better because of it.


Post # 15
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’ve never called off a wedding but friends of ours did and it was hard but now that its over they both feel so much better. I agree with an earlier post..don’t think marriage will fix the relationship.

Post # 16
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You got some great advice here, but I just wanted to mention that when you say “call off the wedding” that you realize it also means “call off the relationship.” If you guys are on rocky ground now, then calling off wanting to marry your fiancee will most likely result in you guys not being together anymore – which from what you described may be a good thing. Maybe she needs time to heal from this family thing, and you each need time on your own to figure out what you want. I just don’t want you to unrealistically think that you can call off the wedding and think that this woman who so badly wants to go forward with it will be ok with just sitting back and working on you guys’ relationship. 


So perhaps it’s not the wedding you should be thinking about, but if this is a relationship you really want to stay in. I was engaged and married before, and I had these same worries. My life would have been about 5 times easier if I had called things off before we signed that piece of paper – for all parties involved. It hurt my ex greatly, but it would have been way better before we went to the courthouse. 

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