Engaged and not happy part 2

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

Run without looking back. This is one of the worst stories I read about on this website… The guy who cheated on you already will cheat again. Because he got away with it so many times. The way he proposed is not a proposal at all, he just did not want to let you go at the moment when you learned about cheating. That is why he is hesitant to anounce, did not really want to get a ring. This is not a way to go.. 

As harsh as it sounds to you right now, you need to make a decision to leave. Really. Being in a bad relationship is worse than not being in one at all. 

I remember me and my ex had fight and I told him I do not think our relationship was worth staying together, I wanted to be happy and I wanted future. He took a bottle opener that I had in a shape of crystal shoe, got on his knee and tried to propose. That looked so fake, so I told him to stop it. Proposing with the bottle opener??? After I said I doubt we could have a future together?? So he got up and said “Fine, I do not feel like getting married anyway. Thought you would change your mind about leaving”. Here you have it. 

Post # 47
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

lgarciab :  Its been 5 years yes, but do you REALLY WANT to be in the same situation 5 years from now but also with a child to this man? You know you deserve better. You could probably walk down any street and find a more loyal guy than this one is. This man is not going to make you happy EVER. Stop settling for mediocre just so you have someone. 

How do you leave him? Make a plan. Do you have your own place to stay? Do you have any shared finances? Set those things up BEFORE you tell him. He doesn’t deserve a heads up about you leaving. He is showing you who he is and he doesn’t want to post anything on FB because he very much plans to keep sleeping with that girl you just found out about. The ring, the engagement is to shut you up so he can keep doing what he is doing. 

 

Post # 48
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

lgarciab :  …..soooooooo 😬………… why are you with him? 

He is disrespectful, cheats on you (not once but multiple times), you have no trust for the man, you are more financially responsible than the man so he’s either weak, lazy or uneducated…… what support does he provide you? 

Emotionally? No because you’re an emotional wreck

Mentally? No because you can’t think straight why you need the opinions of women from offline when the answer should be clear for you to dump him 

Physically/Sexually? Now idk the answer to this one but if it’s a yes then those relationships never last if that’s all it’s based off of 

Financially? No. 

So if he cannot support you mentally, emotionally, physically or financially, then what good is he? Not all men have to be “perfect” but come on now, you gotta have SOMETHING going for ya. I would cut your losses now before you waste anymore time on a man who is just scared to be lonely and doesn’t really love you. This is a HAPPY moment realizing this. Even asking the question whether you should leave shows you that it’s not working. Congratulations in LOVING YOURSELF and moving forward 

Post # 49
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee

Drop him and run like you have diarrhea in the middle of Henri Bendels.

Post # 50
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I’m hoping this doesn’t come off as rude, but are you insane? Why would you continue to subject yourself to this disrespectful behavior? Why would you continue to be with someone who is consistently unfaithful? If you want to marry this man then get ready for a life of absolute misery. I’d get out right now and quit being manipulated by him. He is clearly emotionally abusing you, and in my book if you cheat once you’re out. You need to take some time to be by yourself and heal, and understand what a mature and respectful relationship looks like. Don’t marry this idiot. 

Post # 51
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

Ugh, you need to leave his sorry a$$ and find a man who will treat you like the queen you are. Your fiancé doesn’t deserve you. He will cheat again, tell you he is sorry, be on his best behaviour for a month, then you’ll be back to square 1 again. Don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of heartache with him. Move on.

Know your worth. 

Post # 52
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

he keeps coming back because he knows how to manipulate you. you give too many excuses on why you wont leave. he knows this! he knows u wont go anywhere and he keeps you there when he wants you.

take the hint and leave. you have to love yourself before you love someone else

Post # 53
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

lgarciab :  Bee – I’m sure if you break up with this guy, you will find love again (almost all of us here have had a long term relationship end) but ask yourself, why would it be sadder to be alone than stay with this loser?

This relationship – Constant fear of finding out he’s cheated again, constant arguing, constant fighting, constant rejection, checking if he’s on facebook, calling and texting him, wondering where he is, waiting for him at home, crying all the time, threat of STD’s, no chance of finding a decent guy while you’re with him etc

Alone – girls nights, travelling, hobbies, freedom, being taken out on dates by decent guys who make you smileg, picking what you want to watch on TV, no one to answer to, time to work on yourself eg. going to the gym,  etc

You know you aren’t being treated right – but I feel like you feel that you can convince him to treat you better, to love you.  Well, you can’t.  I’ve never heard of that working for a girl ever, and I’m sure the bees can back me up on that. 

Post # 54
Member
5298 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I just cannot fathom that there are people who would tolerate as much as OP has. So… my big question is WHY? Why do you feel this is the best you can do? Why have you given him chance after chance only to have him f*ck up (literally) again? Why would you even consider marrying him? 

Us telling you this obviously isn’t going to help; you must have some pretty huge issues to keep going in circles this way. But please get some help. You’re worth so much more than this, and apparently you think a cheating, lying dog is the best you can do. 

Post # 55
Hostess
6427 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

lgarciab :  Are you really so desperate to get married you are willing to marry someone like this? He cheats on you, proposes off the cuff whilst you are upset, of course it isn’t going to be all rainbows when your entire relationship is in the toilet. You shouldn’t have to tell him to buy you flowers. Any man really in love would be happy to be tagged in photos and shout about his beautiful future wife.

 

You are deluding yourself. Have some self respect and dump his sorry ass!

Post # 56
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Oh wow, I see SO many reasons to go and not one reason to stay. 

This is the type of man who will never be committed to you. You deserve SO SO much better! 

Post # 57
Member
1731 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Hi there.  I see you are in a really bad place, and might feel this is the best life can offer you.  It’s not.  I know we all fear to be alone, and can really, really understand.  My relationship had issues I know would have made some ladies run for the hills pretty quick.  We started dating young, 19, and we had a lot of hurdles to pass as we both grew up. He was a flirt.  He liked the attention… and then he realized it hurt me and was dickish.  And stopped.  He disdained marriage, flowers, dinners, etc.  And then realized such things weren’t so bad.  

About 10 years ago, at the 10-year mark of our relationship (yes, 10 years), I was hitting a point when I knew I needed to accept things or move on.  I knew at 19 we were nowhere near ready for marriage.  At 25 I was still of that mind.  BY 30, it started to hurt.  I sat and asked MYSELF if I was happier with him in my life.  Did he make me smile?  Had he grown into a man who was able to show he cared?  Maybe not all the time, but more often than not?  Did we usually enjoy time together and mourn time apart?  How would life be different if we broke it off and I moved out?  Was I wanting marriage for the sake of being married or did I want a legitimate life with HIM?  I did not/do not want kids, so that’s not an issue.  But how would I be on my own, what hurt would it stop, versus how was I when I was with him?

I made a decision to stay.  He realized I was actually close to leaving, and made a lot of changes.  I issued no ultimatum.  I just started making moves to buy my own car, looking for my own place, quietly but openly, and he finally made it clear he wanted me in his life.  I realized I was happier unmarried with him than I’d be on my own, that we had a life and I could be happy minus that one thing if that’s what it took for me to find peace and move forward. We finally married, and I am happy.  But he grew up a LOT from the 19-year-old boy I started dating in college.  

It sounds like your fiance is still very much a little boy.  I made a point of letting H know I wanted marriage, but that it was in his court to decide and act if he wanted it.  No ambiguity.  No threats.  He finally asked what kind of ring I’d like, and fearing his ideas were too expensive or grandiose, and would not look like an e-ring to me, I told him a simple solitaire was what I’d always wanted, and my birthstone would be perfect.  He surprised me a few months later with just that.

You don’t sound like you live together, or have much of your lives intertwined.  Breaking things off with this boy might be best for you at this time.  If he grows up, and you are still unattached, you can see about dating him for a bit in the future, but he is nowhere near ready to be a husband – he can’t even be a good boyfriend.  It’s okay to break up even after 5 years.  5 years of what?  Him hurting you and not growing from it enough to stop?  You will be fine without him, and it’s best to nip this in the bud now than a few years down the line when you’ve got joint proprty to untangle.

I hope you’re doing ok.  I am sorry, this is not a good way to be trying to plan a future.  

Post # 58
Member
8798 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Isilme :  

OP’s bf isn’t going to miraculously change  into a good partner by virtue of ‘growing up’.  He’s clearly character disordered, completely lacking in any integrity or empathy in relationships.  That’s not something people grow out of.

 

Post # 59
Member
1731 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

sassy411 :  He is selfish, immature, and not being considerate of her feelings at all.  Sure, this can be the result of a disorder.  It can also be “failure to launch he’s a child pretending to b a man”.  

We just get snapshots with these posts, and I can only say, in 20 years, he might be a good guy.  Does she want to wait to find out?  Prolly not.  People with even bipolar disorder, if treated, can improve… can, but likely won’t.

I think she needs to not marry him, and even not be in any kind of relationship with him – it’s not a positive relationship at all from what has been shared.  

Post # 60
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

The first step is kicking him out or moving yourself. Find and appartment or give him a deadline to get him and his stuff out. Yes, it will be hard but just make yourself do it and do not try to contact him. Don’t let him play on your emotions and ” talk you around”. Be strong. You can do it.  The bee is here to help you through.

Know that there is a better life waiting for you and a nicer, kinder, honest man is out there somewhere looking for you….

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