(Closed) Engaged and unhappy

posted 13 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
442 posts
Helper bee

To stay with anyone when you’re not happy is just not good. Bottom line. Little white lies can sometimes be worse than big secrets. This will continue to eat away at you in the long run, and eventually, you will be depressed, if you aren’t already.

Don’t ever be afraid that you won’t find love again. Baby fever and the feeling that you need to get married are just not good reasons to stick with something if you’re not happy. No matter what your age or how long you’ve been with a man.

Take a step back, let him know you deserve honesty and an emotional connection. If he really wants to work it out, maybe you two could benefit from couples counseling. If he doesn’t, you deserve better.

Post # 18
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I think, and this may just be because i would do the same thing, you wrote this post because you knew what we would tell you becuase it’s what you’ve been telling yourself but haven’t been able to convince yourself of it. Your relationship doesn’t sound healthy now, and it may not get any better. The ladies above have all given the same adivce I would have, so I hope you’re able to dig deep and do what you know you need to do. Love will come again!

Post # 19
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Honey, there is no such thing as ONE man for anyone. Also, one does not NEED a man and marriage to be happy! Listen to the warning signs — they are trying to tell you something. Take it from someone is has been married twice before, problems like you describe do not get better just because you get married! If you absolutely want to stay with this guy, INSIST on counseling. Life is precious and take it from me, you don’t want to waste years of your life being miserable cos I have done that and it BITES!

Post # 20
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

For me, one of the most important aspects of any relationship is good communication. It doesn’t sound like you have that. He’s lying (maybe "white" lies, but it’s still not the truth) while you are posting here instead of talking to him and faking it in bed. Think how that will affect the two of you down the road. Can you discuss problems and solve them together? If something’s upsetting you, can you tell him?

You say he’s not sweet or funny and makes fun of you when you’re upset. I don’t know him and don’t know what mood you were in when that post was written, so I just don’t know. You do, however. Take the time to think it through, talk about it with someone who knows you well, best would be him!

And remember, you can’t change anyone, they’ve got to change themselves.

Post # 21
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hi chipotle, I have been in a relationship like I think you are describing yours, so what it’s worth, here’s my take.

This guy I was dating was not a bad guy, but it was a bad relationship. He was very good looking and charismatic and we really clicked on a certain level–but he’d  practically ignore me when we were out with friends, then brush it off when I was upset. He’d completely discount my emotions except to berate them. We’d always do only what he wanted to do, or he’d act like a child and pout about it. He was straight up mean some of the time. Plus lots more… Probably 75% of the time, I was miserable. But then there was that other 25% of the time. When he was in a good mood and was being nice to me, it was like we were the only two people in the world. Everything was so great–and that much better because the rest of the time was so bad. At the time, I probably would have said I’d marry him eventually. 

But now, looking back on it–oh my. I can’t believe I put up with all that. I definitely had blinders on–I think I was, in a way, addicted to the drama that the relationship had. It was a bit of a high never knowing what the day held, and just maybe having it be a good one. (Note: this guy was not abusive or anything–we’re still friends now. Just us, in a relationship, was BAD.) It’s like the girls who only like the "bad boys"–I was one of those. 

And now I’m in a relationship with someone who is everything that guy wasn’t. He’s supportive and sensitive to what I need and unconditionally loving. He’s never in our relationship berated me like the other guy would. He always puts our relationship first, and it’s made me a better person being with him. But I have to admit, when we first started dating I was a little bored! He was just too nice. No drama, no meanness for me to cry over and then have him make up for–but I got over that quick. It is amazing to have someone really love you and treat you well.

You deserve this. None of us can tell you what to do about your relationship, but if you feel anything like I felt in this old relationship (and on top of it, cheating on you! And more!) I would advise you to think seriously about if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Marriage is not only about being in love–it’s about finding someone who you can and want to go through your whole life with, and who will be there for you through hard times, and who you want to be a good father to your children… It will be hard, really hard, to get out now, but it’ll be way easier now than it will be later. (I have a friend who, at 26, has a baby and is on the verge of a divorce from someone she never should have married–seriously not good situation!)

I hope you’ll do what is right for you, and if you do leave him, please know that you will definitely find someone else. There are so many great guys out there! Why settle for one that is not?? Good luck!

Post # 22
3793 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

It sounds like your soul is telling you that you may be settling.  It’s common to have baby fever and wonder if you’ll ever meet anyone else again, but sometimes it’s better to set off on your own and find a partner that you are not compromising with.

Ultimately, if you are settling, you’ll either be miserable in a long marriage or divorced– possibly with kids.

It’s up to you to decide if your dissatisfaction is just depression on your part or due to settling.  I broke up with two people who proposed to me in the past (despite the fact that I was getting older) because I knew there had to be a better match for me.  I was so right!  But it took a lot of time, patience, and rejection of mental timelines.

Best of luck!

Post # 23
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I say go with your gut. We all don’t get that one big love. I’m not a believer in "the one". I think there might be as many as three different men over the course of my life that could have been "the one" if the circumstances were different. I love my Fiance and we are very well matched. We met at the exact right time for both of us, we were done with the BS and ready for the real thing.

While I can’t say for sure you’d ever find someone that makes you feel exactly the way your Fiance does, he is NOT your one and only shot at love!  Good luck with whatever decision you come to. 

Post # 24
27 posts
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve been where you are and I know how much it hurts, so big ((HUGS)) to you.

But I have to agree with fizicsGirl. I’m not sure this is love either. Your description of how you feel about your Fiance sounds very much like how I felt with my ex – it was an extremely unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship, which I couldn’t see for the first four years of the relationship. It was only after we were married and things got worse did I really start to see how bad things really were. I’m not saying that you’re int the exact same situation, but it sounds all too familiar. And I’m not saying that what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, but it is alarming. NO ONE should ever berate you or invalidate your feelings, or make fun of you when you are upset. 

I also would be very concerned about the lying. Though they may seem like "small" lies – though I wouldn’t agree that lying about looking at porn is a ‘white lie’ – it’s the fact that it’s chronic that’s the issue. Chronic lying is a serious problem and not something to be overlooked or glossed over as not a big deal. Add to that the long-term cheating, which isn‘t a small lie, and there are some serious issues going on here.

I know you’re hurting, but I think your intuition/gut/whatever you want to call it is trying to tell you something and I think you should listen to it; if I had listened to mine, I could’ve saved many people a lot of pain and heartache, most especially myself. If you’re this concerned during the engagement, it will only get worse when you’re married. Things like this don’t go away once vows are said, and it’s possible it could get worse with marriage. I can’t tell you whether to stay or leave, but I would suggest you get some counseling to help you sort this out. Having a third party to talk to, who won’t judge you and can see things more clearly than you can, can make all the difference in the world and help you to see things you are having a difficult time facing — AND be there to SUPPORT you through it, not make fun. Please, please…find a trained professional to talk to before you take that big leap down the aisle. In the long run, you’ll be better for it. Take the time now to figure out what’s really going on before it becomes more complicated with marriage and involves children.

Don’t stay with someone because you’re afraid you won’t find love again. Trust me, you will, and it will be healthy and supportive, and will help you become a better person. Ask yourself: "Do I like myself and who I am when I’m with this person? Does this person lift me up and help me acheive my best, or put me down? Am I truly happy?" If the answer is no, that doesn’t bode well for a good and happy marriage. There is someone out there who can give all this and more to you. Please don’t settle for less than what you deserve.

Post # 25
1530 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this. I have to say that I personally would have a huge problem with the lying.  No, it’s not a big deal to lie about plucking his eyebrows, but I wonder if the fact that he thinks it’s okay to lie to you at all is indicative of a larger problem.  As far as I’m concerned, lying shows a lack of respect for you and your relationship.  

The one quote that stood out to me when I read your post was this: "But then again, he makes me miserable."  I can’t speak for anyone else, but as frustrated as hard as things have been from time to time with my husband over the years I’ve known him, he’s never made me feel miserable. There has always been a fundamental love and respect in the way we’ve treated one another, no matter how hard our lives have gotten.

You deserve to be with someone who respects you enough not to make you feel this bad.  You deserve to be with someone who will be honest with you and with whom you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings openly (I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t fake it for the rest of my life!) I know it’s hard when you want to have a family and be in a relationship, but ultimately I think you’re better off to decide if this is how you want to feel for the rest of your life.  Personally, I’d rather break something off that wasn’t right for me, than get married and either be unhappy or get divorced, especially after adding kids to the family.

Ultimately, only you can decide what’s right for you, so we’re here for you whatever you decide.  All the best.

Post # 26
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Chip, you’ve listed what you don’t love about this man, but what is it that you DO love? Or are you just marrying him because you don’t want to risk missing out on kids? I think these are the questions you need to ask yourself. No relationship is perfect, but yours sounds particularly distressed. Try to look at your relationship as an outsider would. If you were your best friend, what advice would you give you?

Post # 27
1652 posts
Bumble bee

Oh (hugs).

I’m sorry you are struggling with this now.  I think you have posted on here to get the push you need to do what you don’t want to do, but know you have to….

You’ve listed so many things about him that will make you unhappy.  And it’s showing, before you are even married.   Lying and cheating are big.  Some of the other things like romantic, sweet, outgoing, understanding your feelings, are important for compatibility.  Although I don’t think it’s necessary to throw out a relationship because the guy doesn’t buy the girl flowers as often as she’d like, or she needs to coax him to a party because he’s an introvert.  But all of these things together spell bad news.  But I think you knew that by listing all of these concerns, we couldn’t possibly say that you should simply get over it and stay.

I can empathize that you have baby fever.  My heart aches about that.  But you can’t have babies with a man you know deep down you’re not meant to be with.  Please find the man you want to spend your life with, then let the baby chips fall where they may. (I know, easier said than done…)  But if you find yo have that much trouble having children, there’s always adoption.  I’m digressing now. 

I’m thinking about ya.  Good luck.

Post # 28
2 posts
  • Wedding: September 2009

Forever is a long time.  Giving that you have basically said that he doesnt make you happy, and he lies to you–what is your relationship based on then?  Relationships are all about trust.  If you have to check up on someone to make sure they are not lying to you, are you strong enought to spend your life that way?

 If you dont mind me asking, how old are you? I only say this because sometimes we hit that time/age in our life where marriage is what we want. I went through that–and alot of what you are with my ex.  And, yes, I was READY to get married and that is why I put up with so much! thank gosh i didnt marry him, even when he suggested we get married…yes, he suggested it plenty of times.  As hard as it was to walk away, I have NEVER been happier and am getting married. 

 you need to think about what you want in a man, and DONT settle.

Post # 29
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

He needs counseling.  Badly.  Someone I’m very close to is a chronic liar… I mean, you ask him what he had for lunch, and he’ll tell you ham when he had turkey.  It’s HARD to be close to someone like that.  He’s currently in counseling, and it is improving.  Your FI has to want it to improve though, and until he’s committed to getting better, I would recommend not permanently committing to him.

Post # 30
41 posts
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m sorry to hear that. I know for me I can’t stand lies of any measure… I must must MUST trust the person I am with in everything in order for me to feel like there is a secure future and vulnerability can be exchanged. I would speak to him about how you’re feeling, and if you can both be open and honest about weaknesses on both sides; then there may be a chance. Going to a pre-marital class (we went to one at my church and it was very revealing and helpful) can really help as well as couples counseling.  There are a few things that I believe relationships heading into marriage should always have- honesty and trustworthyness (if you can’t trust a person’s word what’s left?) respect (for each other’s feelings, likes, dislikes, bodies, etc-  in public and private) that you will put each other first before any other human being and object, that you both share faith- I think many people understimate the power of a spiritual connection. There are many other things I think are necessary and helpful, but these are teh solid foundation in my opinion.

Post # 31
181 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not telling you to run the other way but I want you to realize what you REALLY want.

If you were sitting here writing this post, I think it’s time you take a step back and think this through.  Can you live with his white lies?  Can you learn to trust him fully?  What if you had children together – would it stop?  Don’t force yourself to stay in a relationship because you’re afraid that you won’t find another love.  You haven’t even given yourself a chance.

He may not be a bad guy and who feels sorry and regrets what he’s done in the first couple of months in your relationship.  I think it’s a start that he confessed.  But now – can you live with that?  Maybe sit down and explain how you feel can open his eyes a little.

I wish you the best!

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