(Closed) “Engaged? And you’re.. how old?”

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Well… if everyone could read that, they’d shut their mouths!  Congratulations!

Post # 4
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Congratulations! I am not an agist and it should not even matter how old you are (as long as you are over 18) as long as you are in love and have a respectful, supportive relationship. Let what people say roll off of your shoulders! Enjoy being young and engaged and Iwish you the very best!

Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I know its frustrating, but people are reacting based on experience as well as statistics. It doesnt mean its you, but the younger you are married the higher chance you are divorced.

59 percent of marriages for women under the age of 18 end in divorce within 15 years. The divorce rate drops to 36 percent for those married at age 20 or older. — “Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the United States,” M.D. Bramlett and W.D. Mosher

 “Since the divorce rate for women married by 18 is 48% in the first ten years and that group, once again, is primarily poor, minority women, the rate for educated couples is much less during those first ten years.” http://www.drheller.com/divorcemyths.html

Post # 7
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Mrs. Puffin: Some people pass judgment and point to statistics instead of examining the facts of the given scenario. If people just took a moment to talk with you about it instead of reacting inappropriately, you’d have the chance to share with them all that you shared here, and hopefully that would make a difference in the rest of your interaction with them. Hang in there. Most of the time people are just thinking of their own inadequacies or regrets in life and speaking from that. Don’t let them project their problems onto you. Be smart and careful, yes, but you’d have to be at any age these days. Good luck and blessings to you!

Post # 8
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I feel the same way. I’m 20, was 19 when we got engaged, and will be 21 when we get married. I won’t have my Bachelor’s yet but I’ll only have a year to go and I’m not dropping out of school to get married (why does it seem everyone automatically jumps to that conclusion? at least where I’m from they do). I agree, being on a college campus and seeing how so many other college students live makes it sort of understandable why people think we’re too young, but I think age and maturity are very separate things. Honestly I don’t care what people think about my age. I know I’m mature, and I have my family’s and his family’s support.

Post # 9
Member
1525 posts
Bumble bee

Haha thank you. I’m 20 and I get the same responses, unless they don’t know my age. A lot of my coworkers would notice my ring and be SO shocked and ask if I was really engaged. If I wasn’t, why would I wear a diamond ring on my ring finger? I know some people do, but I’m not big on jewelry and it’s one of two rings I wear (the other is on my right ring finger). Just try to ignore it. 

The one thing that drives me crazy is I always say, “Well, we’re not getting married for a year or two until I have my BA and I’m still getting my masters….blahblahblah.” I really shouldn’t have to make excuses, but I feel like I have to prove myself to people and that’s the hardest part. My fiancé and I have been together for two years and have a nice townhouse style apartment, so it isn’t like we don’t know what it’s going to be like being married…plus, we’re a lot more mature than a lot of our married friends who are 5-10 years older than us. 

So that’s my experience. It’s really frustrating how people assume so much based on age. There are a lot of mature people like you who have their lives together and are young. It’s defintely not as common, but it would be nice if the responses were excitement and not questioning about whether it’s the best decision. It’s rather hurtful. 

Post # 11
Member
1525 posts
Bumble bee

@Mrs. Puffin: Me too! I’m pretty sick of feeling bad about it, too. It almost feels like getting caught doing something bad…when it’s really not. It’s frustrating having people question something just because I’m young. All of the doubt is just toxic. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, though. 🙂 I’m thinking about just replying with something like “Yeah, he’s really amazing and we’ve been dating for three months and he says he loves me, so I know we can get through anything! He just got out of prison, but he’s really changed. Plus, I’m having his baby.” But only to people who I don’t like haha.

Post # 12
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

So, people saying this to you either:

1. don’t know you/your relationship at all, so stop giving an eff what they think?

2. DO know you, and are just saying it to piss you off (see #1).

3. DO know you, and are legitimately concerned.

Judging by the people saying it, you probably know exactly which of the 3 it is.

Post # 14
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sweetheart I’m in a similar situation, and you know what? you learn to accept that it’s normal for everyone to think your young or immature. BUT they don’t know you, they don’t know your relationship and they have no valid opinion. Smile

Post # 15
Member
1525 posts
Bumble bee

@Mrs. Puffin: I usually end up taking it really personally and feel bad. I’ve gotten a little bit better, especially since the only people who say that are my coworkers who are almost all at least twice or three times my age and had awful relationships. One of my coworkers even said, “Well, I was married at 20 and it didn’t work out.” Like that’s a good predictor of my relationship…how someone else who I dislike’s relationship was. That’s logical. Most people who really know me don’t say anything negative and are really happy for me because they know how mature I am and how mature my fiancé is, but some old ladies are just so frustrating. One of my male coworkers who’s a few years older than me also told me “Well, at least you’re only making one mistake,” after I mentioned I was probably not going to have kids (he already knew I was engaged). Ha. I asked him to repeat it and he got super embarrassed. 

 

Post # 16
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

My opinion on this is one I’ve stated before. Generally when people tell you that you are too young what they really mean is that they were not ready when they were your age. My parents got married at 19 and 20 and they’ve been married for 28 years- happily, I might add. I know it feels shitty to hear it, but smile, thank them for their concern and go on your merry, happily engaged way.

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