(Closed) Engaged and/or married ladies…Did you go through this? (LONG)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I can see where you’re coming from. I see my Fiance about a weekend a month. I get really annoyed if i’m not in the mood for his shenanigans. No, I don’t want to be pawed at while i’m making my cup of coffee, even if i haven’t seen you in 4 weeks. It’s just the way i am.

I think it’s just the tension of everything going on all at once. You’re both irritable and that causes for a bad storm building up. What do you do on your days off? I get like this, even when my Fiance isn’t here (6 weeks to the wedding, i notice lots of stupid sh*t just irritates the crappolies out of me) and i make it a point to take a bath or go to the gym or something to improve my mood. If he’s here and i get crabby, i tell him the night before i don’t want to be *kidnapped* to the bed. He thinks it’s all cute and i’m like, "omg i want out of my bed, it’s time to get up!" and i go anyways, then come back much more pleasant. 

I think it’s normal. my Fiance and I dont fight much either, but in general i’m pretty irritable so i’m trying *not* to take it out on him. 

Post # 5
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I think it’s definitely stress. I get this way sometimes too. I try to catch myself and remember that Mr. Mary Jane’s sense of humor is one of the many things I love about him. I love that we can have fun and laugh and joke together, and most of the time we find each other hilarious. But when we’re under stress and/or trying to get things done, I think that it’s easy to perceive the other person as being in our way, or slowing up the progress. I think it helps to consider that it’s not just the destination, it’s the journey too that’s a blast. Like, wouldn’t you rather be sitting in that room in your home, smiling as you remember joking around, painting each other up and having a good time? Or would you rather remember how Fiance was being a pain in your ass and not considering that house painting is SERIOUS BUSINESS, so you got all huffy and you both had to have some make-up time.

 

So I guess what I’m saying is, yeah, it happens to us too – i bet it happens to most people. Sometimes we just need to know when to loosen up and when to bite our tongues… other times maybe it really is a serious thing and you need to voice it.

Post # 8
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

For us, our engagement period was the most strained our relationship has ever been.  The stress and expense of the wedding just made it hard to relax.  If you’re still fundamentally feeling good about the relationship, I would chalk it up to stress.  Good luck hon! 

Post # 9
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I feel we’ve gone thru (courtesy of my work and a dire situation regarding my xh and custody issue because his dad is temporarily totally out of the picture) that we’ve been super stressed out.

He loses focus on what we are supposed to be working towards, and focused on what he wanted to do..(which is kayak in gorgeous blue sea water on a vacation) rather than our timeline or our "merger" (which we jokingly have called it).

I sometimes shrug my shoulders..and shake my head.

But I love him.  and he loves me.  Once we get thru the pre engagement (although he already considers us as e’d), I think we’ll be fine.

Post # 10
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think an engagement just adds more stress, not to mention that you two don’t see each other often, its even more stress. What your experiencing is totally normal, and your temper is being heightend due to the stressful situation you are experiencing. Whats great is you recognize your behavior, that means once life cools down, you can put effort into yourself and work on your temper issue.

My Fiance and I found ourselves arguing waaay more often then normal, right after we got engaged. Alot of it had to due with the stress of us paying for our own wedding and the fact that the wedding was all we talked about. We now only talk about the wedding a few times a week;) and have created a budget we are both happy with, so BAM, not aruging as much.

Work through the stress and once its all over, you will be fine 🙂

Post # 11
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

my fiance and I’s long distance relationship got tlike this for a <span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-style: italic”>long time. We see eachother every 6-8 weeks for a few days, and the first few times we did see eachother (and someties on the phone in between) it would get tense. 

My fiance is also the really joke-y type that sometimes doesn’t know when to stop.   Ialmost feel like he needs to get it all out of his system when I see him because it’s been so long?

 I broke down a few times and we talked and now I just have a little cue word I say when he starts getting to be "too much".  He usually get the message and quits, but sometimes I have just learned to laugh about it.  It’s so much more fun to roll over in a ball of laughter than to have a thin skin and get upset easily.  I’ve been working on this my whole life (my dad is the same way as my fiance)

Don’t expect it to be fixed overnight, but tell him how you feel, talk about how your relationship has been suffering from the stress of not seeing eachother,  and work out how you will deal with it, rather than doing "clean up" work after you both ar eupset and crying.  Prevention is the best medicine!  

Hope it starts looking up for you two! 

Post # 12
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t know if it’s the same thing (I’m not a psychologist) but this is very common in military couples right before deployment.  They both start arguments (on purpose, but subconsciously).  Basically it’s a defense mechanism your mind uses so that it won’t be so hard to leave.  Maybe because you have such little time together your mind is trying to find a way to cope with the distance?  It takes A LOT of effort to recognize when you’re doing this, and the only way to get over it is to consciously not get mad.  Yes, that is hard, but it works.  You just tell yourself you’re not really mad (because he’s trying to be affectionate) and you go on.  It doesn’t always work, but it helps A LOT.  So sorry hun!  {{HUGS}}

Post # 13
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think some variation of what you’re experiencing is not unusual.  We just started our pre-marital counseling, and one of the things she talked about is how the decision to get married can sometimes move you toward more of a "power struggle" as, I guess, the reality of the marriage and commitment sets in.  Often things that were once endearing, usually things about your Fiance that are different than you…like maybe the "work and play at the same time" thing, start to get aggravating.  There’s several theories for why this happens, one of them being that all of a sudden your defense mechanisms go up b/c the way you have of being is threatened.

I’ve found the book: "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix pretty insightful.  I don’t think you ahve to accept all of his theories about why we react in certain ways to learn some useful things.  Tehre’s a companion workbook with couples exercises that can be useful.  One of his main theories is that we are most attracted to people who are different than us b/c that’s a way of exploring another take on life.  But it almost always leads to conflict when things get serious, and the trick is learning how to work past.

Regardless if that rec. helps you, just know you are not alone.  It’s hard, but it’s not the end of the world:)  And sending ((Hugs)) your way.

Post # 15
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My husband and I went through our most stressfull time begining 6 months before the wedding up until about 6 months after the wedding.  We just bought a new house and things have started to get stressful again.  I think what you are describing is actually very normal, and by coming back to eachother instead of ending it you are actually building a stronger relationship!

 Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You’ve already got some great feedback, but I wanted to chime in. I’ve been reading about the stress that pre-engagement and engagement can bring on the relationship. Can’t find any of the good articles now to share, but it’s safe to say none of us are alone in this.

I’ve been extremely stressed at work, and it’s been building and building in the past month. It makes me irritable and short with FH, and that’s not fair to him. Combine this with the stress of illnesses in both our families, along with the waiting to be officially engaged.. and yeah, not pretty. I left his place last night and had a massive panic attack right after I got home. I called FH and we talked for a bit – I told him "I love you so much and this should be a happy time, but I’m so miserable. I need to figure out how to fix this." And we talked about a plan – I need to talk with my boss and maybe give up some of the extra responsibilities I’ve taken on. Not great, but in the long run better for me.

I think, as long as you’re still talking and trying to work through the stress and fights, that’s a good thing. Things aren’t great right now, but I feel better knowing FH is besides me and helping me work through the stress.

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