(Closed) Engaged at the same time as my sister, she wants us to postpone

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Well you have your mind made up so I guess all you can do is tell her that. Honestly, I can see this from both sides. On your side of things… why should you have to put off your wedding just because of their financial situation? You didn’t do this TO her its just the way things worked out, and you get a DAY not a month or a season or a year. 

On her side though…. the timing just sucks. There could be a lot of things she is worried about, like if you have out of town family that wouldn’t come to two weddings 1 month apart and have to choose between you. She might also be disappointed that her entire time planning will be eclipsed by your planning. Whenever she goes shopping with your mom, your mom will be thinking about your wedding, etc. 

My brother and I got engaged at roughly the same time (me just after him) and we decided to put our wedding off and have it 6 months after his. I felt like it was still kind of annoying though because nothing could just be about our wedding until after his was done. Every time I talked to my mom about my wedding she brought up his and what they were doing. I’m sure she did the same to him. It’s just natural because your parents will be juggling two weddings at once. Its totally do-able and in the end its all fine, but it definitely but a little damper on my planning to be engaged at the same time as my brother. If I had a sister rather than a brother (because then my mom would’ve been WAY more into helping them plan then) I honestly would have put our wedding off further to not overlap. 

Post # 4
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You should do what you and your fiance planned on. I am in a similar situation where I was engaged and we planned on a year and a half engagement, then about three months afterwards my brother gets engaged and is getting married a month after me and I couldn’t be happier! He has waited forever to find the right girl for him! Now I won’t lie and say I haven’t had some feelings such as I wish I was the only one getting married, I hate that people will probably have to choose between our two weddings to attend, and that I feel like she’s competing with me to get things out sooner. I imagine your sister is having some of those same feelings and although she’s happy for you, at first it is hard to get over it. So I say just talk to your sister and tell her where you’re coming from, she might not of thought about it. No matter what, I do not think you should postpone your wedding just because your sister is getting married, it will just make it a doubly good summer!

Post # 5
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I got engaged 4 months after my older sister and she also was less than thrilled. We were in a similar situation because my Darling Husband proposed to me about a week after my sister finally set her date, making her engagement over 1.5 years. It put us in a really tough situation, because we got engaged on NYE and had plenty of time to plan a fall wedding, which had always been my dream, but it would have meant getting married 2 months before my sister. We also didn’t want to wait until the next winter since my Darling Husband was really against a winter wedding. So our comprimise was to wait until spring of 2010 and have a 1.5 year engagement, which wasn’t our ideal situation but it worked out. I will say though that even though we did this for her, she wasn’t happy about us being engaged at the same time as her and did take it out on us throughout our entire engagement.

It’s unavoidable though, when there are siblings close to teh same age this kind of thing just happens. I understand the whole ‘stealing of the thunder’ thing, but honestly it’s no ones fault and should be nothing but a happy time. I personally was the youngest and last of 4 siblings to get married and already had 8 nieces and nephews, so my family openly didn’t care about my engagement. They were happy for me, but made it clear it wasn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

So anyway, I would just tell you to be firm with your decision and not let her dictate your wedding date, considering the length that your engagement has already been pushed up to. Just tell her you understand why she’s upset, but it doesn’t make sense for you to now have a 2.5 or 3 year engagement because of her situation.

Post # 6
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

i say go with your plans…its not like they are very close together. This is exciting i think, i wish my sister and i were going through this at the same time. She just had a baby and wants more…i keep telling her to hold off so we can get pregnant together! haha My Future Sister-In-Law got married in august and we were engaged exactly a month before their wedding. i made it a point to keep kind of quiet about it and let her have her day…mine would come. Last night she called to tell us that she is already pregnant! which is soo exciting but i couldnt help feel a little jealous..or more like..now its my turn for the excitement let me hav it! in the end i was like this is stupid to be feeling this way and i couldnt be more happy for them

I think it is a little selfish on your sisters part…its happy times for both of you, you should be enjoying it together. One great thing about having weddings close to each other is that maybe you guys can cut deals with vendors if they do both weddings or something. i would def voice your opinion..because for me, there is no way you could make me wait 2 years to get married. Heck no…when all said and done our engagement will be 7 months and that is long enough for me.

Post # 7
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t have a sister, so maybe I am missing some feeling that other posters may have on this issue, but I don’t think she has a right to tell you to postpone your wedding a whole year, ESPECIALLY if they don’t end up getting married. If it was the same week, okay, I could see her being upset about that, but if they are a month apart, I see no issue. I see BENEFITS. You could both bounce ideas off of each other and be super wedding planning sisters. She is in a tough financial situation so you both may be able to share expenses (on linens, shoes, etc) provided you both have similar tastes, get some sort of family discount if you both book the same vendors? I think a month apart is reasonable.

Post # 8
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I am in the same situation as you. SO’s sister got engaged in Spring, SO had plans on proposing in the Summer but has chosen to wait until the end of the year so he doesn’t upset her. For the past few years we have been planning on a Fall (Halloween) wedding, Well all of a sudden his Sister wants a Fall 2011. So that means that I get the pleasure of pushing back our wedding untill 2012 so *she can have her time.*

I really hope that this doesn’t put a burden on your relationship because at this current moment I am upset with his Sister. I have to wait for my engagement so she can have *her special time* and then I have to wait for my wedding so she can have *her special time.*

sorry for the rant.

Post # 9
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

My fiance’s sister got engaged about a year before their older brother. They wanted to wait until June of 06 because she was going to be out of college by then and their brother was planning to get married right away. She only requested one thing from him, that they wait at least 2 weeks after her wedding so she would be married first, since she was engaged first, and they would be back from their honeymoon in time for the next wedding. She got married at the end of June and their brother the middle of July. They compromised and were both happy. I can understand you wanting to get married next summer no matter what so tell your sister that out of consideration for her you will wait until after she gets married as long as it’s when they are planning NOW. If they change their date that’s too bad. You are trying to be nice about it and she needs to see that. You didn’t ask him to marry you because she was engaged. He asked you and, because you love him, you said yes.

Post # 10
Member
46590 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You did the right thing when you set your wedding date to be after hers as she was engaged first. At that time you thought you would be getting married a full year after her.

When you talk with her try to be empathetic about her situation, but prioritize yours. There likely will be some friends and/or family who will not be able to attend both weddings. Commit to not duplicating or stealing any of her ideas for her wedding. Each wedding can be unique.

It is beyond your control that she and her fiance did not save enough for their originally secheduled date. What if they fail to save the required amount again? Will it be her expectation that you will postpone again?

Post # 11
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Mrs.LetsGoPens: I wouldn’t change anything if I were you. Screw *her special time.*

Post # 12
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would say go with  your plans…just because things might change.

 

I got engaged last october to my Boyfriend or Best Friend of 2 years and my sister got engaged to her boyfriend of 6 years about 9 weeks later. I wasnt thrilled (dont get me wrong,..i was happy that she was happy…i just wasnt happy that she was engaged at the same time) While i planned my wedding all everyone talked about was her upcoming wedding. Before she even got engaged she told me she was going to get married two weeks before or after me. After she got engaged though she changed it to the same weekend as mine but a year later. Over the process of my engagement (which was only 7 months) she took the time to plow over my wedding…she even went and bought her dress the one and ONLY weekend my parents were up to see and help with my wedding stuff pre wedding. ANYWHO…the point of this story is….she called off her wedding two weeks after mine…so things change…Although i was and still am pissed she did what she did I would be even MORE upset if i had postponed my wedding entirely for her only for her to call it off….

Do what you want! 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If that is what your sister decided to do, you should tell her you have your heart set on getting married next summer but that shouldn’t take away from their wedding. Tell her you will help plan her wedding and she can help plan yours but not turn both weddings into a competition. Tell her that you love her and you don’t want to get into an argument over wedding dates because it is a special time for the both of you and just make the best of it.

Post # 14
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Boy, I am so glad that I have two younger brothers!

Post # 15
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry you have to go through this.  Honestly, I don’t see why everyone gets so upset about their “special time” or “thunder stealing” and all that other stuff.  When you get married, you get one day, not a week, a month, or a year.  She has no right to tell you that you can’t get married the same summer she is getting married.  I can maybe understand if you wanted to get married a week before or a week after her, but you want a whole month after her planned date, which could change from what you said about her situation. 

If she does ask you to postpone your wedding, tell her though you understand her feelings, you can’t put your life on hold because she feels it’s too close to her date.  Let her know that you are so happy she is engaged and you would like her to feel the same about you, rather than her getting jealous.  Try to make it sound like you can plan together and how much fun it will be. Maybe if you make it a fun thing and let her know you can help each other out, then she will feel a little better about it.  Good luck! 

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