(Closed) Engaged but holding onto the past…not 100% sure or am I?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You might have a lot to lose, but if this is someone that you’ll think about for the rest of your life while in FI’s arms, then go for it. You don’t deserve a life of regret and your Fiance doesn’t deserve a life with a wife who is wishing she had chosen someone else. No one deserves that. 

Post # 4
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think it’s wrong to look at it as a one or the other choice. You need to evaluate your current relationship. If you’re not happy and don’t see a future with him, you shouldn’t stay with him. It shouldn’t be about another option, it should be about your feelings. If you “settle” for your Fiance simply because you don’t choose Mr. X, your marriage probably won’t work. 

 

Post # 5
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

First off, do not do any wedding planning until you figure this out.

Also, if you do decide to stay with your current Fiance you need to cut off all ties with Mr. X forever. You had an emotional affair with him which is horribly unfair to your current Fiance and would probably destroy him if he knew.

I think you really need to do some major soul searching to figure out what you need for yourself.

Also, you need to think about what the issues are in your current relationship. Have you thought about premarital counseling? Maybe to open the lines of communication between your Fiance and you. 

You are on very rocky ground at the moment. If your Fiance were to find out about Mr. X no one would fault him for leaving.

Mr. X really seems like an unattainable fantasy, you dated him for 4 months. The first months of a relationship are always amazing and exciting. Some of that excitement will fade with time.

Think back to the first few months of your relationship with your Fiance. How were they? If you were abruptly separated after 4 months with him, would you still be pining over him like you are Mr. X?

Until you know for sure yourself, please do NOT push forward with wedding planning. It would be very unfair to your Fiance to pretend and push forward when your heart isn’t really in it.

Post # 7
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

As the saying goes… “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldnt have fallen for the second one.” – Johnny Depp.

Best of luck with everything!

 

Post # 8
Member
5220 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Well, even though you said it was not an option, I do think you should “choose” neither. Just because you love them or have feelings for them does not mean either are right for you.

There ARE more than these two men in the world I think you are selling them, and yourself, short by turning this into a “must pick one of these two” situation. If things were truly right with your Fiance you would know it. If things were truly right with X you would know it. It is unfair to marry or be with either if you feel what you have described.

Move on from both, and take some time for yourself. When you meet the right man for you at he right time there will be no question you want to be with them and I do not think you should settle for any less. 

Post # 9
Member
35 posts
Newbee

@Rosie81:  Life in NOT always greener on the other side…

Post # 10
Member
9669 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

My gut feeling when I read your entire post is that neither of these men are right for you.

Post # 11
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@AlwaysSunny:  I agree with you completely.  It’s not about choosing between two men, its about do you really want to marry your fiance.  Don’t compare them, just think of it that way, is he the one for you forever.  If not, don’t marry him, what you do after that is up to you.

Post # 12
Member
9669 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

95% is not good enough to stay with your current relationship.  Besides, you’ve been unfaithful to him so this is also not fair at all to him.  Don’t settle!  You’re settling.  And Mister X is just a symptom because he is all talk and zero action.  He would most likely make your life a living hell.  But being in a lukewarm marriage is another kind of hell.

How about falling in love with yourself?!   Break away from both of them, and get your head on straight, alone.  You are getting half a man with either of them, by your explanation and description.  You need (and will find) a man who fulfills all of the qualities you desire, he is out there!  You don’t have to choose.  If either of these men were right for you there would be NO QUESTION.  The fact you are questioning which one to go with should tell you that – they are both wrong for you.  Way wrong. 

There is a man for you out there who is the right one and who will embody all – 100% – of your desires for a mate.  However, the only way you are going to find him is by letting go of both of these men.  And finding yourself.

Post # 13
Member
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@Rosie81:  You dont sound very ready for marriage. And since you basically were able to carry on an affair on your now Fiance I would suggest you let him go so he can find someone who is going to be 100% committed to him. He deserves that. I think neither of these relationships sound like they will result in a healthy marriage. And to be honest, you might benefit from focusing on yourself and only yourself for a little while. both of these relationships sound very dependant to me. And if you are going to love someone you have to take the good bits with the bad bits and decide if the good are enough to outweigh the bad. bottom line, neither of these guys sounds right for you, so even though you dont think its an option I feel like its the only one that will give you a chance at finding full and true happiness because from what you described, you wont get it from either one of these guys.

Post # 14
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with all of the PP. You need to take some time for yourself to figure YOU out.

Post # 15
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am going to go against what you asked and vote neither, and here’s why:

Current Fiance: Your reasons for not being with your current Fiance seem weird to me….it’s not really fair to penalize someone because their family or parents are “odd”, or because their relationship isn’t what you want for yourself. My FI’s parents split when he was 2. I would never NOT want to be with him because his parents had a bad relationship: it has nothing to do with ours. That doesn’t really have anything to do with you, or your relationship’s future. It seems to me like you are looking for reasons, and if that’s the case, then for whatever reason that spark just isn’t there and you shouldn’t be with that person. I agree with Sunfire that you should never settle. Even 99% isn’t good enough when you are comitting your life to someone. Think about it this way: the time before you get married is often the easiest time in you relationship. When kids, and money stress and family issues come up later in life, things can get really hard, and if you look back and think “I wasn’t even sure this was what I wanted”, then how are you gonna get through?

Mr X: If he told you 3-4 years ago (sorry, not sure of the exact timeline here) that he loved you, why does he keep leaving and coming back? Why hasn’t he got himself together until now? If he really meant it when he said it, he would have “fought” for you, so to speak, and he certainly would have paid off his debts and cleaned his act up. Honestly, it sounds to me like you are the one that got away for him, and he’s just freaking out now because you’re getting married.

My honest opinion is you need to be single, and figure out what you want. If either of these men really loved you, they would give you the space to figure things out alone.

Post # 16
Member
5220 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I did not touch on the affair issue before, but I want to add I think it is also horribly unfair and disrespectful to your Fiance to have had that affair and to be continuing to have this relationship with X while entertaining idea of being with him instead. Your Fiance deserves to know so HE can decide whether he wants to be with you. 

The rest of my advice remains the same, neither are right for you and you need to move on and spend time on your own. During that time you can reflect, talk to a professional, and analyze the choices you have made and your expectations in a relationship and so forth.

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