(Closed) Engaged but I don't know if he's the one (need advice!)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
835 posts
Busy bee

if you love him, none of the above will matter. Marriage is for richer or poorer, sickness and in health, good times and bad. If you don’t feel like a simple life is worth being with him then end the relationship. 

Do you love him enough to stay with him for the rest of your life? Would you stay with him if he lost all the money he has? 

Its not a matter of age and what else is out there, do you love him? like truly, forever type of love? If not, then leave.

Post # 3
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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elephantear:  agree 100%.

Post # 4
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

What does he work in that you’re thinking you need to live a ‘simple life’ with him? Regarding money, if that’s very important to you, you shouldn’t go through with this. Personally, I wouldn’t mind a guy earning less money than me, but I’ve always been very self-sufficient and making enough money to have a good life, so I don’t mind at all. 

I agree with you that it might be your age that makes you doubt. What have you done in your twenties so far, besides this relationship and work/college? Did you ever travel (alone)? Did you make new friends? Did you go out and go to parties (if you’re into that)? I think the early twenties are about experiencing new things, and  not about getting engaged or married. Most people change a lot in their twenties so I think many times it’s beneficial to wait. 

It’s your own mistake though to only base your life on him. Why don’t you go out and meet friends? Why don’t you travel? Why don’t you pick up a new hobby? You should have a life beside your relationship and you cannot blame your fiance for being fault that you don’t (I’m not saying your blaming him, just pointing out that this is entirely on you).

If you’re having constant doubts, don’t get married. Take some time to reevaluate the relationship.

Post # 5
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

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confusedbridetobe11:  Have you and your Fiance looked into pre-marital counselling? (DH and I did it because the church required it, but there are many non-religious options available out there. I highly recommend it as it helps compartmentalize each of your feelings before getting married. Finances was one of the topics that we had to cover. It uncovered a lot of what we need to work on before we got married.)

Every relationship is different though. I met my then Fiance when I was your age; it took us many years before we got engaged — mostly because of our different backgrounds. We also took a long time because I was and still am career-oriented. Like you, my DH is the only first real relationship I’ve had.

So, if you feel like you need some time to develop yourself, voice that to your Fiance. Tell him what’s important to you. If he is the One, he will be patient as you work through what you would like to do for yourself, before settling down. 🙂 I hope that helps provide some clarity.

Post # 7
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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confusedbridetobe11:  Just because he is good guy, doesn’t mean he is the right guy for you. Don’t marry him because you are afraid to be alone or that you ‘should’ marry him because there is ‘nothing wrong’. 

Post # 8
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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confusedbridetobe11:  I’d set him loose. You don’t seem ready ( or he’s not the one) .

Post # 9
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

And here is my favorite poem for a woman in your situation (I’ll post the link in the next post)

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay. Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

Post # 12
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you feel like you’re settling, he’s probably not the right guy for you. Not everyone feels like they have more to explore and experience before getting married, but if you do feel like that, I don’t think you’re ready to get married.

Don’t be influenced by what others in your family or friends think, whether it’s to get married or not to get married. We can provide additional perspective, but this is a decision you have to make on your own. 

Post # 13
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

 

 

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confusedbridetobe11:  I pulled a few quotes from your post about your relationship that I thought were kind of worrying…

“We talked for hours about anything, and the best part is that he remembered everything I told him, even the smaller details. In the beginning of the relationship I felt so blessed to find someone who loves me the way he does.

However, the thought of breaking up with him devastates me because I can’t imagine not having him in my life and I don’t want to break his heart.

Bottom line is that I have doubts here and there and I cry all the time because of it.”

It sounds like you felt lucky to find someone who loves you a lot, and you don’t want to break up with him because you don’t want to break his heart.

You wrote a lot about everything he does for you, and how he treats you really well, but how do YOU feel about HIM? Does he make you smile every time you see him? 

Who are you when you’re with him? Can you be genuinely yourself around him? Are you the best version of yourself around him? Does he make you want to be even better? Does he make you happy? Are you at peace? 

I read this on reddit once and I think you might find it really useful: 

“I think everyone has some doubts, regardless of what kind of life decision they’re making.
Think about the little things.
There are 52 weeks in a year. Say you and your husband are married for just one year. That means 52 Thursdays. 52 weeks of waking up next to him and getting ready for a Thursday at work. It also means 52 Saturdays. 52 weekends.
If you had 52 Saturdays to plan, how many would you choose to spend them with the person you’re thinking about marrying?
This also means that there are 52 weeks of meals to plan. 52 weeks of a house to clean.
Do you want to spend the next 52 weeks with your partner?
How about 52 years? How about 2,704 Thursday mornings?
This is your life we’re talking about. This is the one part of your family that you get to choose. You don’t get to choose your parents, or your kids, or your siblings. They’re gifted to you by the universe.
Your partner? You get to choose them. And hopefully you only have to choose once.
Do you think this person is the person you want to stick with for the next 2,704 Thursday mornings?”

Post # 14
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

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confusedbridetobe11:  It’s completly normal to not feel ready at 23, especially considering that this is your first relationship. I didn’t feel ready at 23 and I’m sure most people don’t feel ready either. You have to reevaluate this relationship. Do you love him enough to be with him forever? Do you want a future with him? If yes, don’t give up on the relationship, but don’t get married yet. Tell him you feel too young to get married, and that you’d prefer to just be boyfriend and girlfriend for another couple of years.

Post # 15
Member
835 posts
Busy bee

i might be crazy here.. but i feel marriage is when you share a life with the person you love rather than yearn for a life “outside of the relationship”.

I’m lucky to meet someone I love who is willing to give the world to me and would die for me, so early in my life, to be able to love him the same way back. People who have been married for 30 years told me they wish they met their love earlier, because time flies. 

I dont think you’re ready/he is the right guy as well. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  elephantear.

The topic ‘Engaged but I don't know if he's the one (need advice!)’ is closed to new replies.

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