(Closed) Engaged but I don't know if he's the one (need advice!)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
Member
921 posts
Busy bee

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confusedbridetobe11:  I don’t believe in ‘the one’. I am a fairly easy going person and I get one with most people. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t met my husband I would have met someone else. The relationship would be different because it would be with someone else but it wouldn’t necessarily be any better or any worse for that.

Having said that,  I did meet my husband and am very glad that I did. We get on very well, can both be completely ourselves with each other and even though we have disagreements we don’t argue or get nasty about it.  We just talk things through and move through it.

Getting married is one of the most stressful things you can do (studies suggest this not just me) so having doubts and worrying about this massive life decision isn’t a bad thing at all, it’s normal.  You are making a life decision based on someone surprising you with a shiny ring and a lot of pressure to make a split second decision. I had doubts and worries,  the divorce rate is so high and I wasn’t expecting a proposal any time soon. My husband had had months of mentally preparing himself for the engagement and deciding if he was ready before he proposed and if he’d decided he wasn’t ready he could have just delayed the proposal.  I had to do all of that mental preparation after I’d already said yes. With all the extra pressure of having to call off the engagement if I decided I wasn’t ready yet. It was stressful and worrying. 

Basically what I’m saying is don’t beat yourself up for not knowing instinctively what the right decision is. I can’t tell you what the right decision is but I can tell you that it’s ok that you don’t know yet and it’s ok to take as much time as you need. If he really wants to spend his whole life with you then he should be ok yo wait until you are ready and if you decide you don’t want to marry him then that is the right decision for both of you. If a relationship isn’t right for one of you it cannot be right for the other 

Post # 34
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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cpick:  I think what you are talking about is having doubts about marriage. I had those- Am I the marrying type? Can I, can anyone be faithful forever? So many people get divorced, what makes me think I’m (we’re) any different? I think those are common and necessary worries about marriage. What the OP is having doubts about her Fiance and type of life she will have with him. I think that is a sign that something isn’t right. Her gut is telling her that this isn’t the guy for her. 

While I had my doubts about marriage in general, I had no doubts about DH and our relationship. I knew if I married him, he would be the right man for me and we would have the life that was right for me. 

Post # 36
Member
8 posts
Newbee

At the very least, take the time to figure it out BEFORE you get married – in other words, don’t move along the engagement to marriage just yet.  That’s what the engagement period is for – to explore any doubts such as the ones you have yourself.

 

I will say that I’ve been in your situation before.  It bothered to me to the point that I developed anxiety because I was so stressed over whether or not I was making the right decision to marry someone who I knew loved me, but who I wasn’t completely fulfilled with. I kept making excuses to myself why I shouldn’t break up with him. Finally I broke it off because I couldn’t handle the stress anymore.  That was a year ago, and now I’m with someone new who completely fulfills me in all the ways I wasn’t fulfilled before.  It sounds cliche but it’s true – it happens.  I think being in my previous relationship helped me understand myself and my wants and needs better, and I’m so glad I didn’t go through with that marriage because I’d be feeling more and more stuck for the rest of my life.  Instead now I get to spend my life with my best friend – someone with whom I feel like I won’t have ENOUGH days in a lifetime to spend because I just want us to be together forever.  I hope you make the right decision for yourself.

Post # 37
Member
2864 posts
Sugar bee

I have been married before.

TRUST ME, you want to believe 100% that he’s the one bare minimum.

Post # 39
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

 

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confusedbridetobe11:  In my own experience I can tell you that if your family doesn’t think he’s the one for you, then they are most likely right. I was convinced I was going to marry my ex. But my whole family knew that he wasn’t the right one for me. My family loves my now husband, and they knew that he was the one for me. I don’t think age is a factor, I’m 23 also. But I do think that since this is your first relationship you should maybe weigh your options. Just my view on it. Good luck to you.  

Post # 40
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I’m inclined to agree that if your parents and brother don’t feel that he’s right, then in conjunction with your concerns, he’s probably not the one.  Although there are some parents who will never be happy and will always interfere, if your parents aren’t like that, and f your parents are generally just supportive of your happiness, and they aren’t feeling it, then they see something that you don’t that you should pay attention to.  Especially since this is your first relationship and so you don’t have experience with long term relationship dynamics.  i hope that makes sense.  

In any case, take you slow.  You are young.  This is your first boyfriend.  you have plenty of time to figure it out and get it right. 

Post # 41
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think the question you need to ask yourself — is this the right man at the wrong time or the wrong man altogether?

You are very young.  That said, my former fiance (who was older than me) had three siblings — all of whom got married between the ages of 21 and 23 and all three have been happily married over 40 plus years.  His mother got married at 23 and was married 65 years at which time she was widowed.  It DOES happen.

Please make sure you are not looking at the grass may be greener on the other side.  As one of the “older” posters here, with a lot of life experience and dating a lot of different men may only lead to a string of commitment phobic jerks, players and losers – one disappointment after another.    However, if you need to experience the world without a partner, then the choice to leave the relationship is probably the best move.

 

Sharonlena

 

 

  

Post # 42
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I thought I would share me own story with you because it has a lot of similarities (and a happy ending!).

I also had doubts when my DH and I were engaged. Similar to you we were young (23) and it was my first relationship. We had been together 2 years and I knew he adored me and I was crazy about him. Still, I went though waves of doubt and fear and saddness and even frequented this page to look for other brides with doubts and out of control emotions. He was also so supportive of me and never wavered in his belief that we would make it work.

We have been married almost two years now and life is fantastic. I am 100% postive I made the right decision. Basically I have always been terrified of change and this was about as big a change as it gets. I have always known that about myself (breakdowns when changing schools, graduating high school, getting a new job…) but always forget that I am more resilient that I remember and adjust just fine to the new situation. It worked for us because under  this layer of fear was a very solid relathionship with mutual respect, great communication skills, the desire to put the other first, and shared values and plans for the future. 

Basically, doubts are okay, sadness and fear is okay. Marriage is a big deal and it is perfectlly normal to have crazy confilcting emotions about it. You need to know yourself and know if these emotions are the result of the stressful situation (like me) or if this is a red-flag of a deeper issue. 

Some resources that I foudn useful: I Only Want to Get Married Once: The 10 Essential Questions for Getting It Right the First Time by Chana Levitan (Helped me realize that I really did have a healthy and happy realtionship and that I would be able to make it work)

The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings about Getting Hitched by Sheryl Paul (useful for me in validating that I could also be sad or fearful in the “happiest” time of my life)

 

Post # 43
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

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cpick:  I’m glad you mentioned how you have had doubts. its normal to have doubts, it’s a life decision and bad things can happen. Its normal for you to wonder if he’s the right for you but i can see you’ve had doubts before and decided to say you were ready even though you weren’t. Talk it out with your Fiance and see if you can work it out.

Post # 45
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think your age has anything do to with it. I’m 23 and very happily getting married next year. I have an established career as does my fi. We have helped each other get to where we want to be in our lives and know that we can continue to grow and make our life one that we want together. 

I think that he is your first boyfriend is what is the most concerning. You haven’t had other relationships, you haven’t experienced other things. I can honestly say that from my past relationships I have learned things that I need to work on, things I don’t and won’t put up with in relationships, that I didn’t know was a concern. I think you know that you aren’t ready for marriage and I know you don’t want to hurt him, but you can’t have it both ways. You can’t not want to hurt him and you can’t have these constant feelings of doubt. You have to choose what you can live with doing. 

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