(Closed) Engaged but I'm starting to think we aren't right for each other

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1495 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

anonb976495 :  I think it’s very good you are reflecting on these things now before any concrete plans have been made and vendors booked. I think that you raise a lot of great issues and maybe consider counseling before completely throwing in the towel (if you even want to slavage this relationship), if not then maybe just give him back the ring and move on.

Post # 3
Member
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I guess the biggest question is – can you deal with his family (and him letting them affect your relationship, celebrations, and life in general) for the rest of your life? Because it’s very unlikely that he will change. Especially, if this has been a major factor in your relationship and he hasn’t made an effort to change it before now.

Additionally, it sounds like there is very poor communication in your relationship.

The sex-drive thing could probably be worked on and a solution could be found without the other issues. But all of these issues together do seem like pretty big red flags that shouldn’t be ignored!

If you want to save the relationship, I think you have to talk with him about everything you’ve said here and see what his response is. If he seems sincerly interested in making changes and improving then perhaps there’s a chance. Couples counseling could be an option as well. 

Or you could be done with this relationship and try to find someone you are a better match with, who puts you before his family, and who you don’t have any doubts about marrying.

Post # 4
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. It shouldn’t be this hard.

And family issues aren’t going to go away – they are going to get worse and worse when you live together and potentially have children. I’d get out now, honestly.

Post # 5
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

If he is ready to be engaged, he should stand up for you to his family. I rarely introduced BFs to my family also due to cultural differences and knowing my parents would likely not approve. When I was thinking it was getting serious with Darling Husband, I made sure to introduce them even though I was very worried about their reaction. Luckily at that point my mom told me later that even though they did not totally approve, she was willing to “let it go” so  I could be married and not be alone. 

As for the affection, either that is his personality or it is possible he isn’t as into you? My Darling Husband is extremely affectionate. Loves to sit close, cuddle on couch/bed, hold hands when walking, rub my feet or hair, etc. I know for some people, that may not be as important or maybe too touchy/feely, but for me I looove it and it makes me feel much happier and closer in the relationship. So I understand if his lact of affection makes you feeel unhappy or less loved.

 

Post # 6
Member
461 posts
Helper bee

Relationships aren’t supposed to be this much work, this early in the game.  Leave.

Post # 7
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

If you think you might not be right for each other then you aren’t.  

Post # 8
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would second the comment from prinzesschen : . Your post resonated with me because my now husband and I faced similar issues during our dating relationship and engagement. Counseling really helped me, and I think your fiance especially would benefit a lot from counseling. It seems like he could use some help on how to set boundaries with his family and seek his own happiness instead of their approval. Wishing you all the best.

Post # 9
Member
6817 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

anonb976495 :  Correct me if I’m wrong but were you two broken up when he proposed? I ask because it seems like he proposed in order to keep you but doesn’t necessarily want to get married any time soon. Are you positive he’s told his family? 

Post # 12
Member
6817 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

anonb976495 :  I agree it seems silly to go though all that without really wanting to get married, but it sounds like he thought a proposal would be a “quick fix” to all the problems you two have been having. I’m not saying he never wants to marry you, but the fact that he won’t even talk about the wedding, celebrate your engagement with you, etc. makes me think that he’s not ready to actually move forward yet. 

But really, if you’re not even sure YOU want to marry him, what I said above is neither here nor there. You need to figure out what you actually want out of this relationship. Are you willing to put up with his family like this for the rest of your life? Because I doubt that will change. 

Post # 13
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

anonb976495 :  I second pp. Relationships shouldn’t be this much work. If you’re not happy, then you leave. His family issues would really bother me.

Post # 14
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

It really shouldn’t be this much work. Y’all seem to have a very unhealthy dynamic that won’t go away suddenly when you get married. I think y’all are doing the roller coaster thing – one initiates a breakup to show the other person “what they had.” The other person feel rejected, so they “miss” them. You get back together and have a little honeymoon period that masks all the real problems – that y’all don’t have much affection or romance… ever. That y’all don’t communicate very well. That he stonewalls and gaslights you when you bring a valid concern to him instead of validating your emotions and working with you to make you feel better. That his family will never accept you and he will never stand up for you the way he should.

If it were me, there is no way I’d settle for this relationship when I knew I could have a man who says I Love You 3+ times a day, kisses and hugs me all the time, out of the blue, never stonewalls me in arguments, wants sex as much as I do, etc.

Do not settle for this sub-par relationship for the rest of your life when you could keep searching and find so much better!!!

Post # 15
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Why do you want to marry him in the first place? I think you should really reevaluate …

The topic ‘Engaged but I'm starting to think we aren't right for each other’ is closed to new replies.

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