- 3 years ago
Hello, going anon to get some unbiased opinions. It is very long, sorry!
My fiance and I are both 28. We have been together almost 4 years off and on and got engaged this summer but we have not set a wedding date or really even announced our engagement outside of immediate family and best friends. I am starting to think getting married might be a mistake for a few reasons.
One of our biggest issues in the past was that we come from different cultural/religious backgrounds. We are both close with our families, but my family is definitely more hands off, “we love who you love as long as you are happy” sort of ppl, his are more hands on. This has never bothered me, but I always felt like his family(while outwardly cordial/nice) did not approve, whenever I brought this up he would deny it and get very upset. Then he later actually broke up with meout of the blue in the past citing these differences and dissappeared from my life. There was no contact from him for MONTHS, with the exception of sending me a bday gift, there was no letter with the gift or anything. He eventually wrote me a really long hand written letter explaining the pressure he felt initially and how all that doesn’t matter to him anymore and how miserable he had been, and how much he loves me and would do anything for another chance. While the breakup and the manner in which he ended it broke my heart like never before and really rocked my trust, I took him back. Things were really good for a long while after that and we had talked abt marriage a lot and loosely planned when we would get engaged. Then he started acting weird and I finally pryed from him that his mother(who had never met me or spoken to me, she lived in a diff country and doesn’t speak English) did not approve and he couldn’t ask me to marry him without her approval, but he was working on convincing her it would just take some time. Because of my trust issues from him abandoning me before, and the fact that he was letting someone outside of our relationship dictate our future, I broke up with him. I felt like there was nothing he could tell someone who had such strong opinions based in nothing, that would convince her otherwise. He bought a ring and cited that his mother didn’t understand how important I was until she saw how hurt he was when I left.
So we got engaged… Not even an hour after I said yes, his sister called(not knowing it was a special day for us) and started this huge argument with him and it really spoiled the mood. We don’t live together so once we got back to my place, his mood had not improved and he left, saying we would celebrate later. It definitely bummed me out that he let his family issues ruin our special night but i was still pretty happy abt being engaged and was hopeful we would share in that excitement later. I told my family and friends and ordered this book to sort of log memories from our engagement for us to fill our together. But since then, he hasn’t really wanted to talk abt it… First he was waiting for a good time to tell his family(they have been having some issues, and his mother is here being treated for an illness so he has a lot going on)… which ended up being weeks after our engagement. When I brought up the wedding intially he wasn’t ready to talk about it or make decisions, he wanted to “just enjoy being engaged for a whiile”… The most we have decided on is an approximate time of year, and that we both agree on wanting a small/no frills, destination wedding. At first I was calling him “Fiance” and being really jokingly dramatic and happy abt it, but his enthusiasm just hasn’t matched mine whatsoever and I have lost that excitement. I haven’t mentioned the wedding in abt a month and he hasn’t brought it up, the memories book is collecting dust on my nightstand.
The other things that worry me are that we do not communicate well when we have disagreements or issues.. We end up yelling and he leaves and I am always the one to initiate contact after an argument, it seems like he could go days not speaking, whereas I want to resolve things, not doing so makes me anxious and I won’t stop thinking abt it until it’s fixed. I feel like I am always the one to apologize when generally, I was the one upset initially… he flips things and ends up getting more upset than I was. While arguing, he doesn’t seem to regard me in any sort of protective way, my tears have no effect on him, he’s harsh and deflects. Lastly, as I stated earlier, we do not live together but he recently stayed with me for a few weeks until his new place was ready. This was something I welcomed and was excited abt, but it brought something else to light, our sex drives do not match. We have always had sex less often than I would like, but I figured this had to do with our living situations and when we were living together it would be more often… It wasn’t. We had sex/sexual contact twice in three weeks, and I was the one to initiate it… and this was with me dropping major hints, skimpy clothing, touching him, sitting on his lap, etc, green lights all the way, and nothing from him. It’s great when we do have it, so there are no issues like that, he just doesn’t seem to want it as often and I can’t help but think it will only get worse as we get older. I actually noticed there was very little affection in general, he would kiss me before going to sleep, and I would hug and kiss him when he got home from work. Other than that, if there was any physical contact it was from me he doesn’t even attempt to cuddle or even sit closely while we are watching tv. Now I am wondering if he is actually even sexually attracted to me and if he actually wants to get married. And I am starting to wonder if that is what I want as well, I don’t know if it is just a rough patch but reading what others post here on how they deal with conflict in their marriages and why some relationships didn’t work out, I am starting to see some red flags. Sometimes I really don’t feel like he treasures me or I am someone he is proud to be with and wonder why he asked me to marry him. I just expected to be so much happier at this point in our relationship.