(Closed) Engaged but insecure about myself. Compare us to other couples :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It doesn’t sound like your SO has any manners. Who doesn’t open the door for other people?!

Post # 3
Member
2503 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

comparison is the theif of joy

Post # 4
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

“Comparison is the thief of joy”.

I used to do this too, not just comparing my relationship but even my life in general to others, especially with social media and people constantly posting the highlights of their life.

What you need to remember is that not everything is what it appears to be. A lot of times, the people who appear the happiest around you or are constantly gushing about their SO over social media are those with the biggest problems. I see even with me and my Fiance sometimes. For example, we will have an epic fight right before going out, but as soon as we are around other people we will put a smile on. people have no idea and will gush about how perfect we are, not reaizing we were just at each others throats 5 minutes ago and are still mad at each other. 

The point is, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, so don’t let how other couples act around you make you doubt your relationship. A Fiance might be holding the door for his Fiance, and then abusing her at home, and you’d have no idea based on their outward appearance as a couple. As long as your fiance treats you with kindness and respect, and as long as your happy, then stop comparing.

 

Post # 6
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
beevincent18 :  HA, just came here to write the same thing! Everytime  I find myself comparing myself to others, I say that to myself.

Post # 7
Member
2842 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I think it’s totally normal to compare yourself and your relationship to others. We all do it at some point but it’s important not to dwell on those comparisons. If you don’t feel like your Fiance does enough for you in that aspect, why don’t you just ask him about it? Just tell him that it would be sweet of him to open the door for you (kind of surprised he doesn’t do this one already though). Little things can have a big impact, but since he is your Fiance, you should be able to discuss those things with him. 

Post # 8
Member
5582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
monkey84 :  .

All you know is what these couples choose to show you. They don’t show you the bad parts of their relationship or their lives.

I would look into therapy for your insecurities, it sounds like you have low self esteem.

Post # 9
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

What you see on the outside of other relationships is such a small piece of their whole story. As PP said, comparing yourselves to others will never make you happier. Are you and your fiance happy? That’s the only question you really need to think about.

Post # 10
Member
7591 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

All the things you listed that other couples do for each other are extremely superficial and not necessarily a reflection on how “good” these couples’ relationships really are. For example, maybe a couple you’re friends with has a ton of common interests, which you wish you and your Fiance had, but they’re actually more like friends than lovers. (This was the case with a good friend of mine and her ex; they loved doing all the same outdoorsy shit together, but there was zero passion.) You never really know what’s going on under the surface in another person’s relationship, so it’s kind of useless to say “he refills her water glass so he must be the ideal boyfriend.” Like maybe he is super messy or talks down to her when they’re alone, who knows?

The point is: you need to focus on your own relationship. What are the things that make you happy about it, and what are the things you wish would be different? Maybe make a list and go from there, understanding that no relationship is perfect. I am very happy in my relationship, but are there things I wish I could change? I mean, honestly, yes! I wish my husband were less messy! I wish he didn’t snore! I wish he didn’t break shit all the time lol. And I’m sure he wishes I didn’t give him so many “instructions” about how to clean the dishes or take out the trash lol. But there’s no one I’d rather spend my life with than him.

Post # 11
Member
2503 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

FWIW, some of the happiest acting couples I know have some of the deepest rooted issues. You truly never know the interworkings of someones relationships. 

I have even known a couple who acted totally in love like they had no issues and the husband was extremely abusive.

Not saying at all that this is typical, but you only know what people choose to show you!

Post # 12
Member
977 posts
Busy bee

So what? I knew a guy who was the most charming and loving in public. Later I found out, he would beat his wife nearly half to death on regular occasion. I wouldn’t be getting all down about lack of romance because you see a guy pouring some lemonade for his girlfriend. 

Post # 13
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

It sounds like you might be wanting personality traits in a partner your fiancé might not have.  When you think of your relationship, what do you feel?  A pang?  

It’s important to note that your relationship is NOT the source of your own personal fulfillment and satisfaction of who you are.  

Post # 14
Member
7462 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If you are going to marry someone, you need to be able to accept that once you commit, you will probably never have those things you see in other relationships. That can be good or bad, and those other relationships may never have what you have with your Fiance. Relationships can be strong and romantic in many different ways, but if you will always pine for what you don’t have instead of appreciating what you do have, marriage isn’t the right thing for you.

DH and I were raised quite differently, and he simply wasn’t taught to be chivalrous. Once it had been icy and we were going on a date night. I stepped out onto the step and held my arm out (in my head, he would take my arm and help me to the car due to the ice). He walked past me and said, “Be careful. Don’t fall on your a*s.” I realize that sounds like a really d*ck move, but he really IS a caring, sweet guy. He just had never seen/experienced a woman holding her arm out, expecting to be helped. When we were on our honeymoon we were on a trolley. It was full, and an elderly woman was standing in the aisle next to hm. I leaned over and whispered that he should give his seat up for her, which he immediately did. Later, he said that was a really good idea I had about him giving his seat up. I told him that it wasn’t MY idea at all, but common courtesy on public transportation. He had never taken public transportation before (grew up rurally), so he just didn’t know. But I married him knowing that he just didn’t know a lot of those things and realized he may never internalize them. The man he was/is has made all those little things worthwhile, and we have a LOT of inside jokes about them now! Everytime it gets icy, one of says, “Be careful…” ;D

Post # 15
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
monkey84 :  Not saying this is happening with the people you know, but just a little anecdote-

My ex used to open doors for me and buy me flowers and make me mix CDs just because. He’d write lovely romantic notes telling me how much he loved me. His friends and family thought he was the nicest guy alive. He would also deliberately move things around the house to trigger OCD related panic attacks. He hid behind doors with a knife and pulled it on me because it was “funny”. He forced me to have sex when I didn’t want to. He yelled at me in public. He made me sleep in the bath when he was mad at me. He once shoved a sewing needle into my ear. After four years together he kicked me out of our apartment because he met another girl and told her he was single.

You don’t always know what goes on in people’s relationships. If you are having issues with your FI’s behaviour, it’s fine to bring it up, but be reminded that other people’s “perfect” lives may not be what you think.

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