(Closed) Engaged, but night didn't quite go as I'd hoped

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

1) Besides a happy “CONGRATS!” I didn’t get much more out of my family/friends either. It sounds like they were more just thrown by the fact that your proposed, which is silly but just try to let it go. Once you start planning the wedding (and honestly, once you get your ring) I’m sure they will be excited for you.

2) Unfortunatly people just don’t get social media ettiquete. We had to specifically tell people not to post about our engagement on social media because we were still trying to get ahold of people to let them know. Just let anyone who is upset, know that you were absolutely going to to tell them personally and don’t know what your FI’s grandmother was thinking.

3) Your engagement isn’t about other people’s reaction. Be happy because you are engaged to the man you love. Your happiness in life cannot be control by other people’s reactions, otherwise you aren’t going to get much of it.

4) Can you imagine how your Fiance would feel if he heard you say that you truly wish you hadn’t proposed last night. I would have been devestated if my Fiance had said something like that. Again, your engagement isn’t about other people’s reactions, it’s about the two of you. If you were happy when it happened, I see no reason to not be happy today despite what other people did or said in reaction to your engagement.

Post # 3
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Some people have very strange ideas about how planning to get married is “supposed to happen.” We didn’t even do a proposal, we just sat down one day and decided to get married the next summer, which bemused a few of my family members too.

I’m sorry you didn’t get to break the news to everyone like you hoped, but at least your friends were completely positive about the whole thing. Also your fiancé was overjoyed, which is the most important bit. It does suck that your families were less than completely supportive though. People act oddly when surprised, so ideally most of them will come through and be happy.

Do you have a picture of his ring?

Post # 4
Member
9540 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

A few thoughts. First one is that while it’s tempting when you’re upset to just view all things in the most negative light possible, it might help to focus on the things that really weren’t that bad here. For example, the phone calls. I’m sure that the people you called were happy to hear from you and, while congratulating you on the engagement, wanted to also catch up about other things. I think that’s totally acceptable. Not everyone’s reaction will be to ask nonstop questions about the engagement and the wedding and how in love you are, etc.

As for the grandma’s post — if her words really did make you look desperate, then yes, I’d definitely be annoyed about that part. But as for the sheer act of doing it, she was probably just very excited for you two and unless you indicated to her when you told her the news that you’d appreciate if she could keep it on the DL for awhile until you told some of your other friends and family, then I can’t fault her too much for that. And I’d definitely not fault her for the “unflattering photo” — what’s unflattering to you might not be to anyone else. It might have been the first pic she found of you two.

All that said, I would feel sad too that it ended up with grandma yelling at your Fiance and your sister being upset about finding out from FB. But at the end of the day, just remember that this is a special time for you and your Fiance no matter what/how other people react. Don’t let any of that ruin this for you two. Brush all that away and start fresh, thinking, “I’m engaged!!! Now what?”

Post # 5
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

im sort of doing the same thing, my boyfriend has tried 3 failed proposals over nearly 6 months

  • we where both under too much pressure and it went badly
  • he had a plan but it got cancelled due to a storm
  • plans fell through but he tried anyway but I accidently kind of cut it off before it happened without thinking

Like you I got him a ring but he doesn’t know yet and Ive planned it this time (because lets face it, us girls are just better at getting shit done lol) but when we tell people im going to deliberatly avoid telling them who proposed (he shy anyway so people wouldnt expect a rambling speach from him + has my ring already so ill be wearing it by then)

if they ask I tell them how it happened but that doesnt require pronouns for example ‘on a weekend get away to (insert place) on a river boat at sunset’ that should be enough detail for them and no cause for rude comments

 

you could of just said ‘oh, it was at home on the sofa after a long day… the lights where dimmed it was very sweet now we’re going out for a meal’ and if they ask about your ring you could of just deflected with ‘he’s having it custom made but there has been a delay, its a (insert stone/ringstyle), hopefully it will be here soon’

 

there is NOTHING wrong with women proposing… infact majority of proposals are women because we tend to be the ones that bring up marraige first but sometimes when dealing with old fashioned or small minded people its easier just to not give them any foder for their rants

Post # 6
Member
2202 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Congratulations!

We had a rather low key proposal (we were away and he said if we found a ring I liked we could get it), so we had a few different responses to our engagement news. When we called my dad he said he didn’t know what to say and when we told him how the proposal had happened ulge said it wasn’t overly romantic and ‘was that it?’ My grandma said congratulations but did check it was to my bf of nearly 5 years and not some random I’d found.

I love that you proposed to him. I was considering proposing to my DH (he beat me to it) and I would have really loved to propose to him. Not everyone will get it and so I’m (unfortunately) not surprised that you’ve received a comment. If you do something ‘different’ during your wedding you will probably get a wellmeaning comment (all the commenters always mean well…). Learn to ignore them as best you can.

As for the grandma sharing on Facebook, I agree with PP that some people aren’t aware of how to behave on Facebook and some do know but just don’t care! The best way to approach this in the future would be ‘hey grandma we have great news but we aren’t quite ready to share on Facebook we just want to finish telling everyone. We’ll post something when we are happy to share the news and you’re welcome to share that post’. If she then shares again, she gets put to the end of the news distribution queue. It sucks that people can’t respect boundaries on social media but unfortunately it’s not something that is going to go away.

Enjoy your engagement and if anyone asks how you got engaged in the future just own it. Although some excitement dies down after this initial period so that might help – the only person who has asked how we got engaged is someone I work with who is waiting and evaluated my story against her dream proposal.

Post # 7
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
vinca:  congratulations!!!!

Very easy for me to sit here and say this, but as long as you two are happy about it, who gives a stuff what they think? Don’t be so hard on yourself and try and see the bigger picture. 

My mum was happy for us but didn’t jump around for joy like I thought she would and didn’t do anything to mark the occasion. Everytime I discussed venues etc, she changed the topic. I thought she was being sour and it made me upset. I wish I hadnt let that feeling affect such wonderful first few days because she actually was happy for us but was just worried about the cost of the wedding. (I dont think she realised we were paying!) 

What I am trying to say is, while it is lovely to celebrate with friends and family, the REAL excitement is between both of you 

Post # 8
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

First – congratulations! I love that you got him a ring and popped the question! best wishes!

second-oh gosh, social media. I think maybe we all could use a lesson in remembering other people’s big news and such should be theirs and give them a chance first to tell it …for example my sis in law was so mad when her sister started posting pics of the baby my sis in law had just given birth to! They’d texted some photos to family and for some reason this sister decided she could post them and the couple hadn’t even had a chance yet and they were so disappointed that al the initial congratulations comments came in on something they were tagged in and not even their own announcement. I see their side but as I mentioned to her to try to help-it’s something exciting in the sister’s life too and she just didn’t think about it. So maybe try to think of it-grandma wouldn’t have posted about the engagement if she wasn’t excited and proud. to post it publicly meant she thought it was worth sharing! I know  it wasn’t how you wanted but I’m sure it wasn’t meant maliciously. 

Third-I’m sorry this wasn’t your dream sequencenof events. But try to enjoy the congratulations  and don’t worry about things. People often “judge” much less than we think. Most people aren’t going to see a post and think gosh she was so desperate. They’re thinking-yay my friend just got engaged!  

I’m so sorry our traditions/culture resulted in some people not having the right outlook and not having the reaction you deserved.  (Like, “what, she proposed instead of him!?”) Give it time for them for it to sink in too   They’re still going to be excited for you.  And maybe next big news-after telling someone, ask them to keep it private until they see youve made a public announcement of some sort :/

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
vinca:  It seems that this “Why the hell am I hearing about your engagement on FB!” thing happens a lot. So much, that I’m not sure anyone can get engaged and tell even one person without the risk of this happening (assuming that person is on FB). Old people who don’t get it are especially prone to spoiling the surprise in this way. Not sure there’s anything to be done about it. It’s the world we are living in — nothing is private anymore and news spreads like wildfire. 

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