Post # 1
I really don’t know where to put this or a suitable heading. Sorry if this is long. I feel myself going stir crazy and am wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation.
It’s probably going to come across as strange, but basically, long story short – I am really happy we are engaged. Really really happy, so don’t get me wrong. I just don’t want to think about wedding. But now that we are engaged, it’s almost like a wedding is inevitable, so I should be thinking about it and planning it, right?
But honestly it is just stressing me out, I am spending too much time looking online and thinking about it. We don’t have a date, and there is no sense of unrgency. And I am seriously ok with that. I honestly never thought we would get married. I have always had the impression that now-FI has thought of marriage as an expensive formality. And I was never one to fantasise about my dream wedding or anything as a child. Growing up I would really only think about my own hypothetical wedding when going to those of friends. Since being with Fiance, it crossed my mind every now and then, whether he would propose, how our wedding might be, but I was more than comfortable with the idea of maybe someday we will get married but it doesn’t matter if we don’t. We already live together, share a household, pets, etc. And the joke among friends is that we are ‘practically married anyway’.
I know long engagements happen, and I’m incredibly comfortable having one. Fiance too. But how am I supposed to get the inevitable wedding off my mind for now? We have been engaged 3 months, so maybe it’s still new and I am still getting used to it?
Post # 2
I’m confused, do you want to be married? Assuming the answer is yes, why not just go to the courthouse and have a civil ceremony? There’s no law (at least in the U.S.!) that says you have to do a big ceremony and party. It sounds like the idea of doing a traditional wedding is causing anxiety, but remember you have the option to do it however you and your fiancé want.
Post # 3
Meh, you also don’t need to have a wedding- if neither one of you are super enthused, why not just run down tothe court house and get it done? Maybe go out for a nice dinner afterwards. There’s no rule that says you HAVE to have a fancy wedding if it’s not something you’re interested in!
Post # 4
panda87: Hi there! I can identify but I think I would need more information regarding your agreements or communications with your Fiance regarding plans to marry.
Our situation was that my Fiance proposed but asked that we not start wedding planning yet. I readily agreed, but as soon as we started calling people to announce our engagement (which my parents told me was appropriate etiquette), we started fielding all sorts of questions about the wedding (like: when will it be??) that we had not thought about or discussed.
All of a sudden, and with a little too much free time on my hands, I started discovering “the world of wedding planning” and have not escaped since. My Fiance was completely bewildered, because he always thought I would be an easygoing, disinterested bride, and it turns out, well, I’m interested. Really interested.
Things that helped:
1) Picking a date, actually. A far away date. Agreeing upon one together. We actually picked one originally and then delayed it another year.
2) Finally deciding on a venue. Made it less “anything is possible! must imagine different scenarios and plan and pin for all of them!” Basically, once you make decisions about what you do want, you’ll stop daydreaming about all the different possibilities and trying to figure out what to pick.
3) Going on vacation and making a concious effort not to talk about wedding planning.
What I wish I’d done:
1) Stayed away from Pinterest. 🙂
Post # 5
Thanks for the replies.. geneva2’s situation at the beginning is probably similar to ours. As I said, don’t get me wrong.. it’s not that I don’t want to be married. I just never thought we would and that was fine. I am not opposed to getting married at all, I just don’t see any urgency or need. A wedding will not really change anything for us – we are already legally recognised as defacto, we don’t have children nor are planning to in the near future, so there is really no hurry to do this. He feels the same.
We do have different ideas about the actual event, when it eventually happens. He wants low cost, low fuss (or going away somewhere, people can come if they want). I do like this idea to a point, but I have so many people close to me that I would like to share it with and know I will regret it if we elope. He doesn’t really have those close ties to family/friends and it wouldn’t phase him.
The suggestions of setting a date and venue are really good ones, and a friend suggested similar the other day. But I think that would make me more anxious to be honest. I am indecisive at the best of times and know if I lock something in now I will be thinking about that and whether it was the best choice and so on, and will probably change my mind 10000 times. Plus, FI’s work means we move around, so if I say ok we will get married in the town we are in in 2-3 years time, we could be gone by then.
So really, I just don’t want to think about it. Not because I don’t want it to happen, but because we aren’t ready yet (financially and practically). We are happy with a long engagement and I want to enjoy it.
Wholeheartedly agree about Pinterest. It is a great tool at times, but others it is just way too much and it becomes overwhelming. I suppose reading a wedding board doesn’t help either (I came here looking for engagement rings), nor does helping a few close friends with their weddings.
Post # 6
First off, CONGRATS! It is super exciting to be engaged!
You DO NOT HAVE to have a grand wedding with bells and whistles. The beautiful thing about weddings is that it can be anything you WANT it to be. A courthouse wedding, an elopement, a 150 guest attendance at the Taj Mahal, it is whatever you want.
So take it easy on yourself. You also have the right to be engaged as long as you want too! Don’t compare yourself to others. As long as you and Fiance are communicating and on the same page, it will go how it ought to.
Post # 7
nycaribbeanpeach: thank you 🙂 It is exciting!!
I think I am feeling a bit better now.. I have started watching some new TV series so that is occupying me in the evenings rather than trawling through Pinterest and thinking too much!
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
Sounds like you might be best doing something low-key. Something simple like a picnic in your backyard or at a park with your closest friends and family.
Pick a date, book a pavillion, send out invites, buy a nice sundress, get bbq catered, ask your closest friends/family to make a side or a dessert to bring, find someone who can officiate, and do it. You don’t need all the fuss if you don’t want all the fuss.
Post # 9
Congratulations on the engagement. I can relate to how you feel because I recently got engaged as well, my Fiance was my first boyfriend ..first everything to be exact. And we moved in before getting engaged so I sort of already felt like we were married. Also, before knowing him I never really thought about the idea of getting married perhaps because I was never in a relationship but did like the idea of being in a long term relationship. Now, that I am in one I thought abotu getting married because eventually long term relationships may come with having children, etc.
It’s okay to feel the way you do, don’t get intimated by others. People have constantly asked me everywhere I go , when’s the wedding, have you planned etc.. I don’t have nothing planned lol. I am taking it “easy” for now.. I personally want a small simple wedding with our family and friends nothing big. But, I know other women who want to go all out. It’s all a sense of perference between the two.
Post # 10
You don’t have to have a wedding if you and your fiance are fine with not having a wedding. Marriage is about you and your future husband. Go to a court house and no wedding planning needed.
Post # 11
Same here, the formalities and financial obligations to the event wear on my mood, although it all seems fun. Been engaged 4 mos. and feel the same..
Post # 12
I’m the same way, we’re planning to get engaged in the fall and then not married until at least 2018 and possibly later. There’s nothing wrong with just taking a while to enjoy being engaged.
Post # 13
Thanks everyone 🙂 (and thank you for the congratulations!)
CrystalV, your story sounds very similar to mine!
I think I am worrying less because I have managed to be busy for a little while. I think it’s also helped that I’ve got something I want to achieve with study and work that will take a few years, so it is realistic to say, I am going to wait until after then.
It’s not that I don’t want a wedding, I just don’t want to think about it yet. It’s kind of like (not trying to trivialise, just put into perspective on a much smaller scale) planning what I am going to make for dinner 6 months in advance… No point, becuase there are so many things that can and will change between now and then. I could obsess over collecting recipes, shopping, buying ingredients, etc etc. OR, I could stop stressing and think about it closer to time 🙂
Glad to know that others are feeling the same way, and hopefully it doesn’t get to you too much like it was with me for a little while there.. Thanks again 🙂