(Closed) Engaged but not happy

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Sunny777:  I read somewhere that like 70% of couples who end in divorce, at least one of them knew it wouldn’t work before they got married. It’s hard to stop the train once it begins rolling, but maybe this is the time to decide if this is what you want before you get married. I had to take a weekend to myself without my Fiance to think things over, and ultimately I decided that marrying him was exactly what I wanted. Only you know if it’s right for you, right? Best of luck to you… 

Post # 48
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@Sunny777:  At this point, you are just making each other miserable. Maybe you should take a break.

Post # 49
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@Sunny777: I am guessing you had some idea of what a medical career meant when you decided to make “sacrifices” for him. Its a lot of hard work and sacrifice but in the end, he will probably make enough money to satisfy you. You should not feel resentful towards him, this is not a new situation, it was something you were aware of.

Post # 50
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Have you thought about the “seven year itch?” That’s a real thing with human chemistry levels and it might be part of what you’re feeling. I agree that therapy is really important for saving the relationship (if you decide to go down that path). Best of luck and I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

Post # 51
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Anyone else think it’s kinda weird that a medical professional, who knows all the risks, has taken up smoking as a hobby?!?

Post # 52
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@KoiKove:  Unfortunately, not really, especially if he is unhappy. I know plenty of doctors who are overweight and drink too and plenty of mentally unstable psychologists.

Post # 53
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

Wow this sounds really rough… I wouldn’t end the engagement or the relationship just yet though… Personally, I would just avoid setting a date and pick up counselling biweekly. It might only take a few sessions to air your grievances, and then you might both feel better, and ready to committ…

 

I have not given my SO a walk date or ultimatum, but I have one brewing in the very back of my head, when we start getting closer to that date, if I chicken out of talking to him about it, I believe I will end up resenting him. So obviously I’m hoping to talk to him about it in a year or two. 

 

Don’t give up hope yet!

Post # 54
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Don’t feel like there’s a negative stigma with trying counseling, or even medication.  Especially with all of the stress you’ve been/ are going through!  There’s a lot of sorting out that you need to do, and medication can actually help you to FOCUS.  I’ve been on a few medications to try and help my anxiety & depression – I know the feeling of hanging on the edge and wondering “great, what’s next?” 

My relationship in its earlier stages sounds kind of similar to yours.  I’ve been with my fiance for five years (we’ve been together since we were each 17), and we’ve hit a lot of hard patches along the way.  Out of our two sets of parents, only my mother was present for the majority of the relationship.  From going to school long distance, to my fiance independently supporting himself and his father (car, electric, grocery, gas, insurance, and water bills when he could) it was very difficult to keep everything on track.  I would try and focus on my studies, but ultimately worry about how he was doing back home.  Things became even worse with my anxiety and depression where I would cry, became depressed, feel very lost & unsure of what made happy.. except when I was in a rare moment of happiness.  There were times when I didn’t think we would make it.  Our schedules would conflict, other obligations became a priority, but we always TALKED it out.  We would spend hours dissecting what was wrong, and even playing games like “What do you want out of life?” 

I think a huge problem is your fiance’s answer of “just survive.”  That even makes my stomach turn – because that’s exactly what you’re feeling right now.  You want more of an answer out of him, and I think he should know better to have a better answer than that.  YOU should be part of his answer, or he should want something more than to “Just get by.”  Nobody wants that.  Definitely try talking, try talking to a professional that can raise more important questions and even to your fiance.  Tell him how you feel and see if you can rekindle any flames. 

Thoughts are with you, I know this is a stressful time.  Don’t do any more wedding planning or it will only dig the knife deeper and make you feel more confused.

Post # 55
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@Sunny777:  oh sweeties, being engaged shouldn’t be this hard.

My knee jerk reaction is: this is not the man for you.

Post # 55
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

Learning from mine and others’ experiences, I feel that ultimatums lead to decisions that don’t last.<br />Just like a boyfriend that doesn’t want you until you are actually about to leave… I would seek pre-marital counselling before continuing, to be 100% that you were both truly on the same page. 

Post # 56
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
Sunny777:  Hi,I feel the same way. Ive been dating the same guy for 7 years. And he only proposed a few months ago. He doesnt want to plan a wedding nor is he excited. Im so unhappy because this is supposed to be the most happiest time in my life. I dont know whether to call it quits and move on or stay and see what happens. He doesn’t even include me any decisions he makes. Its just pushing me away. I dont want an unhappy marriage. I will be sooo broken and scarred for life. Every time I bring up the topic he blames me or ignores me.

Post # 57
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
samz:  I would advise you to talk it out with your Fiance. It understand how it feels because i have been there before. Wedding is your happiest period of your life, ask your close friends. I had no idea i was not happy until they told me i did not “shine like a bride-to-be”. He should include you in decisions. Its ok if one person takes a lead, but an agreement has be made together to finalise it. After all, it is a couple decision. I took the lead in venue hunting, snapped photos but made sure I discussed with him, both agreed before making payment. 

Unfortunately, mine didnt work out. We broke off 4-5months prior to the wedding. I could sense that he was not excited about the preparation but brushed it off, giving myself excuses that he might be too tired at work etc. Trust your instinct but also talk it out with him before any decision is made. Most of the times, there are bigger issues underlying it that needs to be addressed. 

Hope this helps!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  surrealme.
Post # 58
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

So what did you decide?

Post # 59
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
Dani Beck :  she hasn’t been back in 3 years… I doubt she is going to update us lol

Post # 60
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
Dani Beck :  I assume you’re engaged and unhappy since you would have to specifically search this post as it has been dead for 3 years. I suggest creating a new thread. The ladies (and men) here are super nice and have helped me with a lot of things 

The topic ‘Engaged but not happy’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors