Post # 1
Hi everyone. This is my first time posting to a board like this, so I am a little nervous, but I just feel so emotionally bogged down it would be nice to have other opinions other than my own. I have been dating my fiance Matt, for about 6 years now and we were engaged last year. About 3 years into my relationship, I started graduate school I met someone, we’ll call him Andrew, that turned my world upside down. We had an instant and strong connection, unlike anything I had experienced before. We were always on the same page and had the same quirky sense of humor. One side glance at each other was enough to have us bawling in class. We became the best friends and slowly realized that our connection was too strong and too much for friendship. We would talk and text for hours on end about absolutely nothing and still have so much fun. My then boyfriend (now fiance, Matt) and I went on a break and ultimately broke up for about 5 months until I figured things out. I had been in a relationship since I was 18 and I think a lot of my curiousity was also out of never being single. During that time I distanced myself from both. But ultimately, Matt got in touch with me again and we began talking once more. We rekindled what we had had and eventually got back together. I just felt like our 3 year relationship was more meaningful and made more sense. I wanted to be logical about it. My family and friends already knew and loved Matt, I felt a similar pressure from them to be back together. I wanted to play it safe than sorry, because what I had with Andrew was still very much in the beginning stages. While Andrew did cross my mind and I did have moments of wondering whether or not I made the right choice, after some time I did not question it any more. I did continue to feel pangs of wanting to be single, I felt like I missed out on a signficant period of my development being in a committed relationship from 18-24.
Fast forward 2 years Matt and I are engaged. And all of a sudden, its like I have complete clarity now. I saw Andrew again at a formal event about 6 months ago and it just felt like a magnetic field was drawing us together. We spent much of the evening hanging out, catching up and laughting I just felt that connection was strong as ever, despite the years apart. Its like as much as I try to fight it and reason with it I just cant get it out of my head. Its something I cant explain or justify. It is the kind of connection and feeling you have with the person you end up with. After that night, all my doubts came creeping back in and I was back to where I was 3 years ago but with complete clarity. I felt like Andrew should have been who I should have chosen, that our connection and friendship is what I should have chosen for marriage and a life time. Additionally important is Andrew is in a relationship living with his girlfriend.
I love my fiance more than anything and he is the perfect man. Smart, caring, funny, understanding. He would do anything for me. I feel so guilty to have these thoughts and these feelings and not be able to give him the love he deserves and gives me. I am torn because as much as I try to get rid of these feelings I cant. Bottom line is I am afraid I cannot promise my fiance the lifetime of love he deserves.
Post # 2
every156 : BOOOIIIII IF YOU DONT….
You are being complete unfair to your fiance. You cant marry a man and expect to be happy while he is your second choice.
Post # 3
every156 : I couldn’t vote since I’d say ‘break off the engagement, say nothing.’
That clarity that you have now? Heed it. If you put yourself to ‘sleep’ again to please others who knows how many years will go by before you ‘wake up’ again.
Words of caution: what MAY happen (or not) with Andrew is completely independent of your relationship with Matt. You cannot pull someone out of your life and plug someone else into it. You won’t go from being in a stable relationship with Matt to being Andrew’s fiancée. Your family won’t accept Andrew (initially or ever) as much as they did Matt. Etc, etc, etc.
I still think it’s worth it to live YOUR life, mistakes, messiness and all instead of living the life you think others want for you.
Post # 4
You are being so unfair to your fiancé. You are being cruel and selfish actually. He deserves to be more than someone’s second choice and safety net. You should absolutely end your engagement.
As for Andrew. You’ve never been in a relationship with him. He’s not your ex. You have absolutely no idea if it would have been a good match. You’ve romanticized and idealized a fictional romantic relationship.
Post # 5
Yeah, you need to break it off. You chose Matt but he wasn’t really your choice. It sounds like you were choosing safety and what seemed right and easy. But the fact that seeing Andrew makes you question (and then regret) your decision means that, at the very least, your fiance deserves better and you owe it to him to call things off.
Post # 6
every156 : Ask yourself, would you consider breaking up with Matt if you didn’t have these feelings for Andrew? You need to take Andrew out of the picture alltogether and ponder this.
You don’t know that what you’re feeling toward Andrew is anything but lust. You have no idea what it’s like to be in a relationship with him. He may treat women terribly. He may be a mysoginist. And he is NOT your ex. The grass always looks greener.
But if you have feelings for anyone else and think about possibly being single, then you need to break it off with Matt. It’s not fair to him at all. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Would you want someone that settled for you, because that’s what it sounds like you’re doing with Matt. You said there was a lot of pressure to get back with him. You need to be totally honest with youself.
Post # 7
Exactly what PPs have said, especially hikingbride : you were never in a relationship with Andrew. So the fact that you’re more in love with this “what possibly might have could have been” alternate reality with a guy you didn’t even truly know than you are with own reality with your own Fiance who you’ve been with for 6 years tells me that you don’t actually love your Fiance “more than anything.” He deserves better.
Post # 8
I agree with MrsHarryDresden : that you should break it off, say nothing.
I don’t even think it’s so much about Andrew specifically, but the strength of your feelings for him are a pretty clear indicator that you don’t feel that strongly for your Fiance.
It seems like you’ve been going along with Matt because it’s easy and it’s what you’re used to, but if you don’t feel passionately about the relationship now, imagine how worn out it will feel in 20 years. He’s not the person for you.
Post # 9
I agree with pps saying it’s not about Andrew. Life is short and you are super young. You won’t end up with Andrew but it sounds like you are missing that feeling and connection with your fiance. You owe it to him to let him find someone who has that for him and again,life is too short to not feel that way about a man you will spend forever with. End the engagement and go be young and single. Andrew is not the only man you will ever fins that with.
Post # 10
I know that you have been with Matt since High School and you are curious to see what is out there. However, you need to make up your mind and either give Matt you all or be real with yourself and make a decision. What if you broke up with Matt and tried to get with Andrew and Andrew tells you no? How would you feel?? How would Matt feel (the one who has been there for you for 6 years) if he found out that you care more about someone that you have never dated more than him and broke up with him because of that? You have to think that this is more than dating at this point. You accepted an engagement. You are planning on getting married which is a legal and lifetime agreement that should be taken very seriously. Divorces sometimes take years of hell to resolve. You need to make up your mind and make the best choice for you. However, in my opinion, I think you should forget about Andrew. You will be highly upset if he either rejects you or start dating him and he is nothing like what you have imagined him to be. Be careful. You are playing a very dangerous game.
Post # 11
every156 : Girlllll! Get out now. Staying with your Fiance is setting you and him up for failure. You won’t be happily married if you are having these feelings.
I was in a VERY similar situation. I was engaged to a wonderful person who I cared for deeply, but also had that “one person” that I felt a strong connection to. Once I officially became engaged to my ex, I couldn’t stop thinking about this other person. For back story, the other person was someone who I was friends with, but We always felt that extra connection. Like you, I also felt like we were always on the same page, understood each other, etc. Timing had always prevented us from exploring our feelings. I tried my hardest to distance myself from this person but we kept in touch over the years (7 to be exact) and they still would creep into my thoughts from time to time. Eventually I owned the fact that it was unfair to marry my ex while having these feelings and I broke off the engagement. It felt absolutely horrible hurting my ex, but it was what needed to be done. Luckily my ex was eventually able to move past everything and is happily dating a wonderful girl.
I’m now happily married to that friend. I’ve never been happier and I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. My second engagement was 100% free from doubt. Listen to to your gut. I’m not necessarily saying you should go pursue something with Andrew btw, but your Fiance probably isn’t the one for you. You won’t be happy marrying Matt if you feel that there’s the possibility of you having a stronger connection with someone else.
Post # 12
“I love my fiance more than anything.”
No. No you don’t.
But that’s OK as long as you realize that you cannot stay engaged to him.
As prior posters have said, you need to break off your engagement now, because you’re not being fair to your fiance.
Once you do that, then only you and Andrew can decide if you want to pursue a relationship with each other. And, obviouly, if that is to happen, Andrew must choose to end things with his girlfriend.
But even if you talk with Andrew, and he is not willing to end his current relationship, you should not attempt to stay with Matt, because you don’t really want to be with him.
Post # 13
how did u manage to say Yes to your FI’s proposal? i doubt Andrew would want to switch his Girlfriend for anyone. connections happened but it’s merely connection. u said he’s ur ex, but in ur description, we didn’t see any form of “relationship”. or did u both actually have a relationship and broke it off?
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
You don’t love your Fiance, break it off with him. Andrew is not your ex, nor is he available.
Post # 15
….I just want to add one more thing…..I want you to think about life…Life brings things that you might not expect where you need someone that is going to be there for you through those rough times. Beyond that connection has to be a certain level of commitment. What if the person that you select becomes sick? What if God forbid you become sick? Wouldn’t you want someone that you selected as your significant other to be there for you and support you? What if you have financial problems? Can you guarantee that the person that you select would be there to work with you when you need them the most? What about kids? Would they be a great Father? These are things that you need to think about. In life, their are going to be people that look better…Have more money…Have the personality that you can vibe with but that is all superficial. I would never have accepted my fiances hand in marriage if I was not absolutely sure that this is someone that I can love and trust for the rest of my life. My Fiance and I have been together for a long time with a child and all. We have been through so much together and we have always stood by each other no matter what. He has proven himself as a loyal best friend and companion and I will forever be loyal to him. I don’t care if the most handsome man in the world with a personality identical to mine, I would not give that man a chance let alone allow myself to vibe with him due to the loyalty and respect I have for my fiance. NEVER! So, you need to do some soul searching and think about life in general. Maybe Matt is not the right one for you…However, this cant be something new that you are feeling all of a sudden. Basically, you wasted this mans time and allowed him to believe that you are ready for commitment and love him unconditionally. Imagine if someone did this to you…It’s just not right at all. Just think about it. You won’t be young forever.