(Closed) Engaged but still in love with my ex

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: what do i do?

    stay engaged, say nothing

    stay engaged, tell my fiance

    break off engagement, tell my fiance

  • Post # 16
    289 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

    End the engagement, and please tread lightly when you break it off with Matt, because he spent a significant portion of his life with you and if he knew some of the things you wrote in your post, I’m sure he would be devastated. If your Fiance is the right man for you, you wouldn’t be having any doubts whatsoever.

    Post # 17
    279 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I’m not buying that you love your Fiance more than anything considering the way you’re acting. Also, we can’t ignore that you’re calling Andrew your ex when he…I don’t know…ISN’T? You didn’t even date? 

    This “magnetic field” or whatever that YOU felt could be totally one-sided anyway.

    Either stay with your Fiance and be unfair and cruel to someone you “love more than anything” or break it off. I vote break it off. Say nothing. The other guy is not even your ex… I don’t know, this is all just weird to me. 


    AND! Andrew is living with a girlfriend. You really need to reevaluate your values because this **actually** isn’t all about you, believe it or not. You could be ruining two relationships. 

    Post # 18
    747 posts
    Busy bee

    End the engagement. Poor guy deserves SO much better than you. 

    Post # 19
    29 posts

    I think you should break up with your fiance, but I don’t think you will. So instead, I am going to advise you that if you are going to stay with Matt, you need to stop seeing Andrew completely.

    Post # 20
    1673 posts
    Bumble bee

    Something doesn’t add up for me. You broke off with Matt because you had a connection with Andrew, and yet you distanced yourself from them for five months. Why didn’t you pursue something with Andrew then!? When you were legitimately single. And why didn’t Andrew chase you? Perhaps Andrew only likes flirting with you when you have a boyfriend and nothing can actually come of it (trust me, guys like this exist!)

    Has andrew indicated he even wants to be with you? I’m sure he likes you and enjoys your “connection” or banter or whatever, but does he actually want a relationship with you?

    IMO you are either ill suited to your fiancé, or you have the sort of personality/emotional immaturity that just concocts crushes in your head and this is just likely to continue. 

    Didnt vote, don’t know what to suggest. I just think Matt deserves better than this. 


    Post # 21
    45 posts
    • Wedding: June 2021

    It depends what you want to do. 

    Your fiance and you have been through a lot together, I imagine. 6 years is a long time and relationships are a mirror for your soul, so yu probably worked more on yourself with your fiance than with this guy. 
    Also, it’s way easier to see someone else as a perfect fit when you’ve never dated them and you’ve never seen their ugly side. It’s far easier to love and want what’s new and shiny! 
    What seems to you like clarity might very well not be. But of course you know yourself and you need to do what’s right for you. 

    Good luck! 

    Post # 22
    4231 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Would you miss your fiancé and regret breaking it off if Andrew said “nah”?

    Post # 23
    3149 posts
    Sugar bee

    Everyone deserves to be someone’s first choice. You need to break up with your fiancé. 

    Post # 24
    10126 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    every156 :  

    You’re talking in absolutes about a relationship that does not exist outside of your imagination.  Andrew lives with his gf.  Pursuing a relationship with him means blowing that up.  Nice way to start a new romance.

    Let your poor fiancé go.

    You have some maturing to do before considering marriage to anyone.

    Post # 25
    951 posts
    Busy bee

    So…..WHY are you in this relationship AT ALL? You honestly are what I would call a cruel human being. I also think you are putting Andrew up on a pedestal and seeing him through rose-colored glasses. This “magnetic attraction” you have with Andrew could also be completely one-sided and he maybe feels nothing. 

    If you have one tiny ounce of caring for your “fiance,” let him go so he can live an actually happy life with someone who WANTS to be with him. 

    Post # 26
    951 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    sassy411 :  Yeahhh, doesn’t really sound like OP gives much thought to others peoples emotions besides her own so far. 

    Post # 27
    2229 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    Hes not your ex and you don’t love him. 

    Post # 28
    999 posts
    Busy bee

    OP I have no advice to give, but I’ve been in a similar situation. If you need to talk without feeling judged, feel free to PM me.

    Post # 29
    2544 posts
    Sugar bee

    Wow, everyone is being really harsh! OP isn’t trying to hurt anyone.. it’s perfectly possible to love someone and care about them deeply while not being head over heels for them. It’s HARD to leave a good and stable relationship with someone you care about because the passion isn’t there, or because something indefinable is missing. You chose Matt because it was the logical decision to make, you just might not have realized that the heart doesn’t always line up with what is logically good. 

    I had a similar situation with an ex – named matt funnily enough – and even though he did nothing wrong, and I broke up with HIM it was one of the hardest breakups of my life because I had to walk away from something because something that i couldn’t even EXPLAIN was missing. And I had no idea if it actually existed or if I’d find it elsewhere. I met my husband less than 6 months later and only then did I fully understand what was missing before. 

    Life is messy and hard, feelings are complex and difficult to define. There’s no rule book for love – we’re all just feeling our way out. 

    Post # 30
    131 posts
    Blushing bee

    I agree with PPs. Leave Matt. He deserves so much more than what you’re giving him. If you want to go have fun with a fantasized relationship then that’s on you and that’s completely your choice to make, but there’s absolutely no reason to stay with Matt. That would be extremely selfish and a very cruel thing to do.

    Remember though, the grass is always greener on the other side (even after you hop the fence)

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