Engaged but still in love with my ex

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: what do i do?
    stay engaged, say nothing : (6 votes)
    6 %
    stay engaged, tell my fiance : (2 votes)
    2 %
    break off engagement, tell my fiance : (99 votes)
    93 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    465 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Poor Matt! I’d say, break it off with him because he needs someone who will consider him their first choice, not the safe one. I’m sorry you’re having these feelings and issues. It can’t be easy. If this is truly how you feel, break up with him and MAKE SURE that he knows it’s because you’re confused and you think he deserves better than that. Poor guy is going to be heartbroken, but it won’t be nearly as bad as it could be in ten years. You absolutely cannot waste however many years of his life or yours due to emotional uncertainty.

    Post # 32
    Member
    10 posts
    Newbee

    I feel compelled to comment on this because its eerily similar to my experience. I had a long-term HS Boyfriend or Best Friend whom I loved and my family accepted as their own. We got engaged the beginning of grad school, and during grad school I felt the same sort of magnetism towards a guy I went to school with. We met about 1 year prior to my wedding (when the date was set, payments made, etc…). He was also in a long term relationship (ie: wasn’t hitting on me or trying to get with me), and I knew it was likely lust so I got it out of my head. It was nothing to the point where I’d break off an engagement to my fiance who I’d been with 9 years – we hung out like 3 times. But something was there that felt different.

    Fast forward 2 years into my unhappy marriage (going separate ways type thing, been together since we were both 17 and just didn’t have the same personalities anymore). I was graduating and leaving the state in a month. A group of grad students went out to the bar one night and at the end of the night ‘magnet boy’ and I ended up in deep conversation about how we had feelings for one another. I was shocked because I never knew he felt anything towards me – he had a long time Girlfriend, I was married. 

    Long story short – I worked up the courage to get divorced and pursue the relationship that felt right. We’re getting married this spring, and I can honestly say that I’ve found my best friend. I definitely burned a lot of bridges in terms of mutual friends, etc.. but we only live one life and I couldn’t stand to think I wouldn’t get to spend it with my soulmate.

    So, as someone who did the HS relationship thing and had similar feelings you’re having – definitely end it now. Ending an engagement sucks, and families will be sad, they’ll try and get you back together, etc.. but it’s better than going through with an expensive wedding only to realize a few years later you should have never gotten married in the first place. It doesn’t sound to me like it’s a done deal you’ll end up with Andrew, but clearly there’s something missing in your current relationship.

    Post # 33
    Member
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    every156 :  I’m glad both me and my fiancé had dated and slept around with multiple other people precisely to calm the fear that either one of us would do what you are doing to your fiancé.  You don’t have the experience to know what you want.  Fantasizing about another man (who you never dated and is not your ex) who is in another relationship like he is an option??  You might not respect your relationship, but you need to at least respect his!  

    You need to end your relationship and spend time developing yourself.  

    Post # 34
    Member
    9034 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    every156 :  have you had any contact with Andrew since running into him?

    Post # 35
    Member
    414 posts
    Helper bee

    The issue is that Andrew is not available. Imagine you do break off your engagement and pursue Andrew, what if he really loves his Girlfriend and won’t break up with her for you? Are you going to crawl back to your Fiance and expect him to take you back with open arms? 

    For Matt’s sake I’d say break up with him just so you don’t “settle”. Trust me, those marriages never work out anyway. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    616 posts
    Busy bee

    If you were with Matt and allowed yourself to get close enough to Andrew to love him then you arent really in it for Matt. He just seems to be your fallback guy incase Andrew ever became single. 

    You know you are settling, you are just sandbagging a nice guy because the one you want isnt available. It is not fair on Matt at all. Dont settle, and dont take away Matt’s chance at finding someone who is 100% Team Matt.

    Post # 37
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    Honey, you aren’t being fair to your Fiance. Clearly you are in love with someone else. You may indeed love you Fiance but you aren’t in love with him. Your story sound very familar I dated a guy some years back we broke up and I met my current SO.

    I had that same feeling like I have never felt that way about another man, not even the guy I dated. About 2 years later my ex and i got back together and got engaged. We had the wedding planned out, I had my dress and everything. 5 months before my wedding I saw my Current SO after a long time. All those feelings came back stronger then before.

    I broke off my engagement because i realized i was not in love with my ex. I waited a year after my breakup to figure myself out and My current SO had been single for a while so we decided to try things out. I made the right choice!

    SO and I will be engaged soon. Take it from me. You need to let him go.  Andrew is currently not available but if it’s ment to be you guys will eventually find away when he is single if that should happen. Don’t pursue him though he is obviously with someone and you have to respect that. Good luck

    Post # 38
    Member
    16 posts
    Newbee

    oh my gosh, poor your fiance

    Post # 39
    Member
    712 posts
    Busy bee

    Did I miss the part where you explained how Andrew is an ex? He sounds more like a fantasy to me. You didn’t date, you don’t know how a relationship would be with him. It seems like you want the attention from someone else. There are tons of people that get into relationships young and are happy the rest of their lives. You, however, seem to be looking for an out. This isn’t fair to Matt and you should end it, but he doesn’t need to know the details. That will only make it worse.

    Post # 40
    Member
    379 posts
    Helper bee

    Break it off and move on. Just to be clear, Andrew is not even your ex. Does he have the same feelings for you as you think you have for him?

    Post # 41
    Member
    1043 posts
    Bumble bee

    every156 :  After reading your original post again, what jumps out is that you say Andrew turned your world upside down.  But it sounds like YOU did not turn his world upside down, or he would have dated you. It’s very hard to deal with knowing the man you love doesn’t want to be with you. However denying reality doesn’t make it go away.

    I spent a long time in therapy delving why I became so devoted to a man who chose to not be with me, and I recommend therapy a lot. You will find it very helpful 

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